Page 44 of Narrow Margins
“Hey, Griff, what are you doing in here?” I walk in and see him standing in the doorway of his bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. “Oh, I can see now.” I laugh.
“Yeah, I needed to shower and change, I thought I’d give you some space.” I see the hesitancy in his stance and hear it in his words. “We need to talk, don’t you think?”
“I guess so.” I shift slightly, fidgeting as Griff’s eyes roam my body. “Um, yeah. Okay, I’m gonna make some coffee so you can get dressed.”
The coffee is ready and I lean against the counter with a mug in my hand, waiting for Griff to appear, but my mind strays and I wonder who I will be if Griff choses to carry on with his racing dreams. Am I going to be the guy at the back of the garage no one ever really sees or pays any mind to?
As I bring my mug up to my mouth, the strong, bitter aroma floods my nose before the burning liquid hits my tongue. I see myself fading away, losing who I am as I become a part of Griff’s life. How long will it take before he realizes I am not want he wants, as he misses the touch of a woman?
Will I be pushed aside as he makes his comeback? How will his new team react to him being with me? I take another gulp of my coffee. Jolting away from the counter, I walk out into the sunshine in the back yard.
The sun here is as hot as the desert sun but not bringing any of the threats that hide in the whitewashed buildings or behind the rocks and trees scattered around the sparse villages. Then, for no reason, I’m catapulted back to the last day in the desert, to my last moments in hell on earth.
Whatever triggered my mind, I feel helpless, paralyzed as my vision blurs and my head fills with the heat and acrid smell of poorly constructed incendiary devices.
I hear the cries of my brothers then my eyes latch onto a disturbance in the earth. I spy the outline of another improvised bomb. Niall walks towards the IED, his eyes explore everything but the ground, seeking out movement from a possible suspect. Before I can even find my voice, I launch myself towards him and call out his name as I hit him. But, by throwing him out of the way, my heel catches on the trigger and I’m hurtled fifty feet away from my comrades.
Then there is nothing, until I wake up in a strange bed, in a strange room, with an empty space where my leg should have been.
I gasp for breath as I try to center myself in the here and now. With my breathing still labored, swarms of questions and answers that don’t belong there permeate my mind. Why would the thought of me being in the background of my lover’s life correlate with the pain and loss of the desert? Searching deep in my soul, I know it’s because I refuse to be nothing more than a number, a figure that conforms and obeys.
I survived hell to be more than a mere shadow; I need to be me, as a survivor. Not someone’s boyfriend or, even worse, someone’s mistake.
My coffee has gone cold and, returning to the kitchen to grab another coffee, I spy Griff. He doesn’t move away from the cupboard door he reclines against but his eyes roam over me, almost as if he’s trying to read, not only my mind but my whole body and mannerisms.
A random thought flashes through me and I blurt it out before I have time to add a filter.
“What do you see when you look at me?”
“Wha… What do you mean?” Griff stutters surprised.
“I mean, when you look at me, what do you see? What did you see when I first spilt beer down your shirt, and what do you see now? Not how you feel, what you see.”
“Why?” Griff shakes his head still confused.
“Humor me.” I raise an eyebrow, egging him on, desperate to find out precisely how honest he is going to be, because his answer is pivotal to my decision.
“Okay, when I first saw you, I thought ‘what the fuck!’ Because I had cold beer dripping down my back.” Griff thinks harder and smiles, “Then I saw your fucking gorgeous eyes; they sparkled mischievously, as if you weren’t all that sorry. Hey! Did you do it on purpose? Did you want to meet me?”
“Maybe.” I grin back, “I am a fan, y’know.” I wink. “Carry on.”
“Right, I remember thinking you were hot, and that shocked the hell out of me. I’ve never thought of a guy as hot before. I noticed you had a slight limp when we walked to sit down but, other than that, I thought you were damn hot.” Griff blushes as he remembers more, “I remember the jolt of electricity that shot up my arm when we shook hands.”
“Okay, thanks. What about now?” I feel the frown develop on my brow as I worry about his answer.
“Now? Shit, now is very different because now I can’t look at you without my emotions being there, too. I see a strong man, a very independent, stubborn man. I still see the smoking hot, make-me-hard-with-a-glance man. Although, now it is mixed with respect and hope for more to come. Your looks don’t define you to me; it’s you who is the draw, the call of your body has me enthralled, captivated.”
I observe his eyes darken as he gazes at me, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallows hard and he shifts his feet, like he wants to get closer.
“Do you care what other people think when they see me, especially when I’ve got shorts on? Do you care what other people think of you with me, when they see my prosthesis?”
“Jeez, Corrie, what’s with the twenty fucking questions? No, I don’t care what people think when they see you, unless they are checking you out and, yeah! That pisses me off, or if they don’t like what they see, that just makes me mad. But, do I care if people see me with you? Hell-to-the-fucking-no! I don’t give a shit about other people’s opinions. Do you? Is that what this is about? Are you having second thoughts about being seen with me?”
Griff is close now, in three strides he is almost against me. His eyes flash, questioning me.
“No, I don’t give a fucking shit, Griff, I’m proud of who I am. I just want to know how you feel, how you are going to react to the sneers and the jibes, the trash talk about you and me when you get back in the limelight. Are you going to find yourself so busy that you don’t have time for me, that I’ll be lost in the background of your life? Because I don’t think I can do that, I don’t want to be the boyfriend that no one knows what to say to, because they are embarrassed that you even have a boyfriend.”
By the stunned look on Griff’s face, this is a shock to him. Was it the word boyfriend? I watch him take a step back and his hands clench in and out of fists.