Page 49 of Colors and Curves
“I have to try. I love him too, Daisy.”
“I know.” A mask of pity covers her face. “But I don’t know if it’s enough. The more he loves someone, the harder he pushes them away when something bad happens. Don’t let him.”
I nod and close my eyes, trying to give myself a pep talk. I’m a tough chick from Boston and I tell it like it is. And he likes that about me, right?
I walk out of the kitchen and notice Chance’s toys splayed throughout the open living space. My chest tightens. If I feel like I’m going to lose it, I can only imagine what Julius is battling. This is a situation I’ve never faced before.
A few footsteps later, I’m standing in front of his bedroom door. I push my ear against it to hear if there is any movement.Silence.My body quivers as I tap on the door.Silence.
“Go on in,” Daisy urges from behind me. What if it’s locked?
The knob turns without stopping and a small sense of relief swirls through my body. I push it open slightly, preparing myself for what I might see. The lights aren’t on, but the late day sun shines through the window to the left. He’s sitting on the lounge chair in the corner of his room. His body is completely limp. His hair is disheveled and his shirt is opened, revealing his chest. My heart breaks a little bit more and I’m afraid to breathe in the still silence. I close the door behind me.
He doesn’t acknowledge that someone’s in his room.
“Julius, it’s me.” I approach him cautiously.Silence.I kneel down in front of him, but not too close. “I’m so sorry.” My voice cracks.
His heaving chest grabs my attention. My breath rushes out of me when I see his tear-covered face. I want to pull him in my arms, but there’s a wall of negative energy around him. I look into his eyes but they reflect only emptiness. There’s no love or warmth there. It’s as if he’s erased me from his heart.
“Leave,” he says bitterly. “Go back to your happy fucking family.” I flinch at his evil tone.
Hang on, Sky!I tell myself.Remember, he’s hurting.
But my sadness turns to rage. He’s not going to shut me out or use me as his punching bag. I won’t let him. I want to take all his pain away—I could at least try—but I know he won’t let me. He’s closed himself off, and I don’t know if he’ll ever come back to me.
“I don’t want you or anybody here.” His voice is flat and hard.
“Julius, we all loved Chance. We’re all hurting right along with you. Let me help you get through this.”
He jumps up from the chair, making me fall back on my hands. “I don’t want your fucking help… I don’t want anybody’s help. I just want to be left alone.”
I stand up swiftly. “Well, thanks for your honesty, but it’s bullshit. You do need us. You need me. I won’t let you ruin what we have.”
“There is no us, Skylar. I have nothing to offer you. If I wouldn’t have left him today, he’d still be alive!”Skylar… Not Sky.
“That’s not true, and you know it. He was sick and if it didn’t happen today, it would’ve happened another day. With or without you there.”
“I don’t care. I shouldn’t have gone with you today. I knew it—the moment I let myself be happy, I knew something would destroy it. And it has. I can’t love you the way you should be loved. Find someone like Josh who has less baggage. I can’t make you happy when I’m miserable. I’ll only drag you down with me, and that’s not fair to you.”
“I don’t want Josh or any other man. I want you!”
He shakes his head and stalks to the window. He props his hands on the sill and stares outside.
“Julius! Look at me, damn it.”
“I told you to leave. I’m better off alone. This crippling feeling in my chest isn’t worth it. The pain’s too much to bear again. I’m better off being numb.”
I walk over and pull on his arm so he’ll look at me. I’m mad. Iamthat girl from Boston, who tells it like it is. And he’s gonna hear it.
“You didn’t learn a damn thing from Chance. It’s so sad. You gave him a new life, a better life. He took advantage and lived it to the fullest every second of the day. He was broken, but he didn’t care because he had you—the one person who loved him unconditionally and set him free.
“And this tree on your back. The tree of life.” I scoff. “What a load of shit. It’s supposed to mean rebirth. A new chance at life. What did you say? Positivity and bright future? Right. You weren’t reflecting any of that when I first met you. Nor did it mean anything in your past, apparently. Not even after your aunt took you both in. You never really lived like that. But it started to show when you met me. I saw it there.”
He rakes his hands roughly through his hair, then looks away.
“I can’t do this, Skylar. Why can’t you let me be?”
“Because when you hurt, I hurt. Why does Chance’s death mean you have to throw us away? His death is a reminder that life can change in a second. You have the chance to be happy with me. I love you, Julius.”