Page 19 of Willow
Grabbing one of her books, we head into my room. She makes a contented sigh and I know I’m doing what feels right. “I’m going to read you your favorite story before bed.”
“Yama Red,” she whispers. I sit in my chair, tucking her close to me, and open the book.
“Yes,Llama Llama Red Pajama.” Only we change the name from Mama to Baba when we read it to her. I know it’s not right, but by the time she can read, she’ll already know about the mother thing. I swear.
By the time I finish the first five pages, she’s sound asleep. I hold her close just so I can hear her breathe. The nighttime is the hardest for me. I barely sleep since I’m always listening to the baby monitor and her breathing. Fearing the worst but hoping for the best. I know it’s all on me. The doctors have reassured me a thousand times. It’s something I need to get a grip on. So for now, I just cradle her in my arms and enjoy the moment. Time goes by way too quickly and before I know it, she won’t want snuggles from her daddy anymore. I already know when that happens, it will break my heart.
Once her breathing slows, I carefully stand and pull the blankets back and tuck her in my bed. Using the bed rail so she doesn’t fall out. My bed is much higher than hers, and I don’t want her getting hurt since I’m selfish and want her with me tonight.
I go into the en suite, strip off my clothes, and take a quick shower. After drying off, I throw on my briefs and lay down next to her. She looks like her mom. It used to bother me but not anymore. Cadence has her own personality, and it sure as hell doesn’t reflect her mothers, thank god.
I stroke her chubby little cheeks and for the life of me I’m not sure if it’s to comfort myself or to comfort her. Closing my eyes, I sleep like the dead.
12
WILLOW
Today,I decidedto sleep in. There’s no reason for me to get out of bed, and I’m sporting a hangover which I’m not too proud of. Why does that man keep coming back for more after I continually make an ass out of myself? I acted like a two-year-old. Demanding answers and wanting Caleb to justify his responses. Who the hell do I think I am? Nothing. In the grand scheme of things, I’m nothing. If I were him, I’d run for the hills. As far away from me as possible.
Rolling over, I bury my face into my pillow. Not that anyone’s here to see me cry or hear me screaming. It’s just me, myself, and I as always. I’m my own worst enemy and I know this. It’s just a hard pill to swallow sometimes. My life would be so much easier if I could jump into bed with any man. Unfortunately, that’s not me, but Caleb isn’t just any ordinary man. I’m attracted to him. I have been since the first time I laid eyes on him. Yep, truth right there. I just pushed down every feeling, emotion, and ache that I felt because I promised myself all those years ago I wouldn’t do it again. I have strict rules set in place to protect myself:
No huge age gap.
No kids.
Never let him get too close.
Whether I’m ready to admit it or not, he just might be worth the risk.
I contemplate calling him and then I squash that real fast. What am I going to say, “I decided to sleep with you to pass the time, can you come pick me up?” Yeah, right. How needy and immature would that be?
Needing to let out some of this pent-up frustration, I scream into my pillow. As loud as I can! Do I feel better? Just a little, but now I have a bigger headache. I sigh, knowing nothing’s going to change, unless I change it myself.
Holding my head, I go in search of some ibuprofen. It’s the only thing that will get rid of the pounding vice in my head. That and a ton of water.
Stumbling into the bathroom, I open the medicine chest and grab the bottle. I pop it open and stuff four in my mouth. The directions mean nothing to me at this point. One or two will not do the trick. Then I wash it down with a bottle of water I grabbed out of the fridge. Now I wait.
Sitting on the couch, I close my eyes. Once I get my bearings and don’t feel like death, I’ll take a shower. After that, I might spend the day bingeingLuciferon Netflix. The devil might be just what I need to forget about Caleb. Yeah, I don’t believe that for a hot second.
An hour or so later, I feel better, so I force myself off the couch and into the shower. Best idea I’ve had yet. After I’m all squeaky clean and lounging around in some clean yoga pants and aSinful Sevenconcert tee, surreal or what, I flip on the TV and start watching season four. Oh my, I’d forgotten just how sexy the devil can be. Tom Ellis is one hot— I stop right there and Google him. Yep, just what I thought. There’s a big age gap between him and me. More so than Caleb and me. Why, oh why, do I gravitate to older men? Duh, they’re sexy as fuck, and know how to handle themselves. All the awkward BS, pick-up lines, and fumbling to get in your panties are over. They’ve been through it all before so they just walk in and take control. I find that very appealing. There! After all these years, I finally figured out why they lure me in. Besides, women mature faster than men, so I’d have to date someone who’s at least four years older than me to be on the same page. Oh, and another thing. Caleb’s financially stable where some guys my own age still live at home with their parents. Trevor being one of those guys, but in all fairness, he’s been taking care of his mom since he was twelve so he doesn’t count.
Well, now that I’ve come to that conclusion, I’m feeling better about myself. I’m not broken, I’m just looking for a man who can handle all of me. There’s no doubt in my mind that Caleb’s more than up for the task. It’s just that my heart hasn’t caught up with my brain quite yet. Perhaps one day soon it will. Then I might be ready. Until then, I’ll just enjoy his company.
I’m flipping through the stations when Mom comes home from work. Sucks that she has to work nights and weekends. And the occasional holiday.
“Hey, Willow. How was the wedding?” Yesterday, I was angry she didn’t go. Today, I’m glad.
“Beautiful. Abby was glowing and Lucas looked fine in his tux. Of course he had to wear his Vans but that’s a given. Caleb’s villa is gorgeous and I’m sure the wedding pictures will be exquisite. The food was insane and the champagne flowed like water. It was a fairy tale and I’m so happy for the both of them.” I truly am.
“I’m happy for them, too. I’m exhausted, sweetie. Would you mind if we called out for a pizza and watched a movie or something?”
“Sounds perfect, Mom. I’ll order online while you take your shower.” And, that’s how you can turn a crappy day into something special. Binge-watchingGilmore Girlswith your mom while eating pizza on a Sunday night.
* * *
CALEB
While Mom’splayingwith Cadence, I decided to go workout. Hoping it will relieve some of the tension from the wedding. I messed that up big time. What I had hoped would be the perfect day turned out all kinds of messed up. Willow was a bit tipsy, and Trevor just pissed all over my leg. Cock-blocking me at every turn. It was fucking annoying. I understand they’re cousins and he’s very protective and all, but I don’t like the fact that he interferes with her life as much as he does. I also found out that she’s not afraid to voice her own opinion. That’s a good thing, but very frustrating since we’re still at square one.