Page 45 of Burned & Bound
“Okay,” I replied after pretending to think about it. “I’ll unsaddle and get them situated with feed after the day wraps up. Just make sure their stalls are clean before you leave if you can and brush them down when you get back.”
“I can do that.” The weight lifting off him was visible. Resting his forearms on the wood, he leaned against the fence. He still fussed with the rag, but at least he seemed calmer. “Thank you.”
“Any time.”
“It’s a meeting,” he told me quietly.Holy hell, he was sharing something with me.“Two… two of them. That’s why I need to leave.”
“I’ll make sure it works,” I promised. “You just worry about taking care of you. That’s all that matters.”
He just nodded, that expression on his face telling me he wasn’t convinced. I knew there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to make sure he knew it. That was just something he had to figure out for himself.
CHAPTER 31
west
The only thing Igot out of AA meetings was the fact that I wasn’t the only one going through this shit.The alcohol part, not everything else.I didn’t talk and wasn’t sure I ever wanted to. Bobby gave methe Big Book, which I was supposed to read, but every time I tried, I had a panic attack. I never made it past the first page or two.
All of this was too much change too fucking quickly. I struggled to stay afloat, which felt like the complete opposite of what this fucking program was supposed to do.
To my credit, I didn’t drink. I fucking wanted to, but I didn’t. So maybe that was something.
Bobby was far nicer than I deserved. Every meeting he was there greeting me beforehand and checking in afterward. He talked. I listened. It worked for us—at least I thought it did. Eventually, I’d probably have to do some kind of talking, but I wasn’t there yet. The idea of it made me want to run. Or hit something. It depended on the day.
Instead of a quick conversation at the back door, Bobby invited me out to dinner. While I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t ready to return to the ranch yet, so I followed him down the road to a small diner.
“How are you doing?” Bobby asked when the waiter left. I started to shrug but stopped myself. Shrugging never got me fucking anywhere with him. It wasn’t that he was pushy in any way, but he had this tendency to just wait me out until I was so uncomfortable that I started talking. It was a horrible fucking gift that he used to his advantage.
“I’m okay enough,” I said. “Don’t feel as crappy.”
“But still not hungry?” he replied. I didn’t blame him, considering I hadn’t ordered food. But I didn’t know how to explain that I’d gone years without eating much, so I just never ate much. Food had always been scarce. I was good at one meal a day or a few snacks because I was used to it.
“Not really,” I muttered. “But that’s nothing new.”
“It’ll catch up to you,” he told me knowingly. “The first few weeks or so can really knock you on your ass.”
“Yeah.”That was the understatement of the fucking century.I couldn’t count the number of times I was tempted to go right back to drinking just so I’d feel better. At least when I was drunk, I didn’t feel like I was fucking dying nearly as much as I did lately.
“Have you thought about who you want as a sponsor?” he continued, and I frowned.What the hell were he and I doing if not exactly that?Fuck, did I have to talk to someone else?
“Can’t you just be my sponsor?” I replied. The thought of getting to know another fucking person wasn’t appealing. Not that Bobby and I knew each other either, but it was better than nothing. “Is that a fucking option? I don’t know how this shit works.”
“I can be if that’s what you want,” Bobby said. “But I will be honest and say that I have some reservations about doing so.”
Fuck.
“I’d like to revisit the idea of ninety meetings in ninety days with you,” he replied. I resisted rolling my eyes. I couldn’t do ninety days straight of this shit. I didn’t have it in me.The people.The people fucking drove me to the brink of panic.
“I can’t with my job,” I said, using the same excuse I did the first time. It wasn’t a total lie. I had a hard time believing that Jackson would let me run my schedule wild for ninety days of meetings, even if he was overly helpful.
“Those first ninety days are crucial, West. Newcomers often find that they need the most support in the first ninety days. I know you’re at two meetings a week right now, but I think it’d be smart to add in at least another meeting or two a week to keep you going.”
“I just can’t get it in with my job,” I reiterated. He nodded slowly, and I could tell he didn’t approve of my choice.
“So, let me ask you something,” Bobby began slowly, “and know that this comes from a place of observation. There is no judgment here.”
I made a sound, already hating whatever the hell he was going to say.
“Do you live out of your truck?” he asked. “I ask because I’ve worked with a lot of people in different living situations, and there are signs—”