Page 55 of Hometown Cowboy

“Oh.”

“Oh, all right. When did you think it would be a good time to let me know I’d gotten her pregnant?” Bitterness leaked into his words, as hard as he tried to stop it.

“It wasn’t my secret to tell.”

She reached over to grab his hand between her own. He pulled away from the touch. Julie sat straighter.

He stared at her, wishing with all his strength that she could take all the crazy and make it all make sense.

Ryan gripped the edge of the table. “It wasn’t a bloody secret at all! The whole damned town knows. That’s why they’ve all been looking at me weird, why they’ve all had thatpoor Ryanlook on their faces. Isn’t it?”

He dropped his head to his hands, his elbows on the table. “How could I forget? How could I forgether?”

A warm hand squeezed his shoulder. He didn’t have the strength to pull away. He didn’t really want to, anyway.

“There’s something I need to tell you. Something I should have talked about a long time ago, made clear.”

He rubbed at his face, suddenly incredibly weary. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“Alan told me what happened when you went to see him. He feels terrible about it. He feels responsible. There are… things… that you need to know.”

“These things—are they things I already know but can’t remember, orrealthings that I don’t know?”

Ryan looked up when the silence went on too long. His mother’s face held an expression he’d never seen before—resignation, uncertainty, and a whole lot of sadness.

“I know you’re trying to be funny, but I’m talking about your dad. It wasn’t all his fault that you grew up without a father.”

Ryan sat back, totally confused now. “Of course it was him. He’s the one who left.”

Julie looked at the tablecloth and drew little circles on it with her finger. “And that was my fault.”

“No—” Ryan grabbed at her hand. She couldn’t keep blaming herself for things out of her control. It made him even angrier with his so-called father that she’d had to be both parents over the years.

She looked up, her eyes suddenly hard. “Yes, it was. It wasallme. You know we got married far too young.” She waited for him to nod. “I was only eighteen. He was six months older.”

He knew all this. Why was she repeating it?

He went to speak but she waved him quiet. “The part you don’t know is that it was a mutual agreement to split up. We only got married because it was expected. If we hadn’t fallen pregnant, it wouldn’t have lasted a month. We tried.Alantried. He really did. But little things that shouldn’t matter made us fight for no reason. We weren’t happy. We didn’t love each other. And we thought we had to stay together. So, it got worse. By the time we realised we were better apart, it was nearly too late. We made an agreement—and the fallout was you.”

The sadness overshadowed any other expression on her face now. Ryan’s stomach churned. His mother didn’t show her feelings very often, not to this extent. She was of the opinion you just picked up and got on with things.

“What do you mean?”

She rubbed her hands together and moved uncomfortably on the chair. “We decided to part. I didn’t want him to be a part-time dad who was never there when you needed him, so I insisted he stay away. For good. For your sake. And that if there ever was a timeyouwent looking for him, then he could integrate back into your life, but only on your terms.” She breathed deeply. “I sent pictures. Every year. Birthdays and Christmases. Significant events. He has all of them. In the beginning he sent presents, but I made him stop. I didn’t want him confusing you, not when he was supposed to be unseen. That akubra hat you wear? That was his, not mine. You cherished that thing as a littlie. I couldn’t bear to take it from you.”

Ryan’s stomach rolled. No. His father was the bad guy. He’d left him behind.

It was what he’d believed his entire life.

“I made… mistakes. Big ones. I forced his compliance. I did something I’ll never forgive myself for.”

Sudden nausea churned. He broke out in a sweat. He didn’t need to hear this. Didn’t need to find out the person he’d looked up to all his life was flawed, was actually human.

“Don’t.”

“Honey, I have to. It’s not Alan’s fault. It’smine.” She grabbed his hands in a tight squeeze that was almost painful. “I was so young. I was selfish and angry and I didn’t know what to do to make him stay out of your life. Once we’d broken up I just wanted to start over, just you and me. I wanted him gone. I took out a restraining order against him. I lied to keep him away. In amongst all that, he met Genevieve. Fighting me nearly broke him.”

Ryan yanked his hands from hers. Not his mother. He refused to believe it.