Page 101 of The Club

I can still appreciate then even when I don’t plan to fuck him. Right now, I just want to get clean and feel everything wash away.

I’m hungry too, but I’m mostly tired. I want to rest. With Rafael.

We shuck off our pants and get in the shower. The blood has dried, so we do a lot of scrubbing. There’s some kissing too. We both get a little hard, but it’s mostly affection. We just need to be close.

I’ve never been affectionate with anyone, but I love taking care of Rafael. I love washing his hair. I love touching him for no reason. I love how he leans against me.

We finish showering, dry off, and get in bed. It’s mid morning, and we’re both exhausted. We curl up together and fall asleep.

***

There isn’t any fresh produce or milk in the kitchen, but there are plenty of pantry staples and frozen foods. Shrimp thaws fast, so I set it in a colander under running water and look up a recipe for cocktail sauce.

While the shrimp sautés in olive oil and butter, I make the sauce.

“You told me you could only make waffles,” Rafael says inaccurately.

“I told you that I could make waffles, not that I couldonlymake waffles.”

He pokes at the shrimp with the tongs. “How do you know when these are done?”

“When they turn pink.”

“Oh. What?” He glances at me. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

I shake my head, embarrassed.

“What?”

“You’re just … weirdly adorable sometimes.”

“Because I don’t know anything about cooking?”

“Yes. Give me those tongs. Move.”

He yields the tongs and moves, but where he goes is right behind me.

“You keep standing behind me,” I observe. “And you’re touching my ass more. I’m not asking you to stop, but it makes me wonder: do you want to top me? Is that what it’s about?”

His chin rests on my shoulder. “I don’t know. I really, really love when you top me, but … I guess it’s an impulse.”

“Because you’ve mostly topped in the past?”

“How did you know that?”

“I can tell, Rafael.”

“But I like bottoming.”

“I can tell that too.”

“I guess I kind of want you to experience it. I mean … um …”

Willingly, is the unspoken word.

“I know what you mean,” I say.

“It feels good,” he tells me and starts kissing my neck. “Do you think you would ever want to?”