Page 56 of This Could Be Us
“Was he still fine, though?” Hendrix asks.
“As hell,” I reply without missing a beat. I bounce a glance between the two of them, and we all laugh on that invisible cue that comes with familiar friendship.
“I know he was.” Hendrixhmm hmm hmms. “How was seeing him again?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Weird. Great. He helped me when he didn’t have to.”
I hesitate before confessing. “I met him at Edward’s Christmas party last year before all this happened, and we kind of had a moment or something.”
“Do tell,” Yasmen leans forward and rests her elbows on the dining room table, chin in her hands. “You been holding out on us.”
“Not holding out.” I pull my hair over one shoulder and toy with the curls restlessly. “I was attracted to him. Like, really attracted to him, and I felt guilty because obviously I was a married woman.”
“You ain’t now,” Hendrix says. “Was he feeling you too?”
“I… I think so.” I close my eyes and draw a sharp breath. “It felt like it. Feels like it. Even today it was like if you lit a match in our general vicinity, we’d combust.”
I lean in conspiratorially and lower my voice to a whisper. “And he asked if I’d have coffee with him.”
“Coffee?” Yasmen clutches imaginary pearls. “Scandalous.”
“It’s not the coffee itself that’s the problem.” I split a look between them. “I’m not ready for anything with anyone right now, much less something as complicated as going out with the man who put my ex-husband in prison. It’s too… messy, and I don’t want messy.”
“You could just fuck him,” Hendrix says. “There’s no law against that.”
“Hen! She wouldn’t do that.” Yasmen slides aYou can tell melook my way. “Would you?”
“Of course not.” I gather my empty bowl and stand. “I’m really enjoying this time on my own, if I’m being honest. I spent my whole adult life with Edward. I poured a lot into him. It’s time to pour into me.”
“I like the sound of that,” Hendrix says. “I’m sorry I suggested it. You know my horny ass denies myselfnothingwhen it comes to sex.”
“I’m horny too,” I admit shamelessly. “But my vibrator won’t break my heart and won’t set unrealistic expectations for what I’m getting from a relationship. I’ve been talking with my therapist about self-partnering.”
“Girl, I’ve been accidentally self-partnering foryears.” Hendrix grabs a slice of mango from the fruit tray I laid as dessert. “I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. Now, dick? That I would miss, but somedude all up on me and expecting me to put him first all the time? And getting my spare pillow hot and drooly? Oh, hell no.”
“If there’s ever a womannotin need of self-partnering,” I joke, “it’s you, Hen. All the stuff my therapist is talking through, it sounds like you’ve already learned.”
“Well, she wasn’t married to a con man,” Yasmen asserts. “You were.”
“I’m only now realizing how Edward subtly cut me down all the time to keep me feeling dependent on him for my worth. All these years I thought we were working together, but Edward thought I wasn’t working at all. He viewed me as a dependent, not a partner, even though he couldn’t have accomplished half of what he has without me.”
“He’s a narcissist,” Hendrix says. “He needed to be the center of everything.”
“If you need a season of being alone,” Yasmen says, “take it.”
“Maybe that fine-ass accountant will still be available when you’re ready,” Hendrix teases with an affectionate smile.
For a moment I consider confessing the clandestine touches beneath the sheets to my memories of Judah, but I decide against it. I don’t want to muddy the waters any more than they already are. I said I’m happy being by myself for the first time, and I am. I need this. I just wish my body had gotten the memo because it lights up around Judah Cross.
I’m loading my bowl into the dishwasher when my cell rings in my back pocket.
“Hello,” I answer, accepting Yasmen and Hendrix’s bowls when they enter the kitchen.
“Mrs. Barnes?” A man’s voice, brusque and businesslike, comes over the line.
I don’t bother correcting that I’ve gone back to my maiden name, Charles. “Yes, this is she.”
“I’m calling from Spiros to confirm your reservation for this Saturday night.”