Page 86 of This Could Be Us
“Is this what friends do?” My laugh comes out like forced air, rough and short. “Want each other?”
In two strides he’s much closer, towering over me, pouring a devouring look down the length of my body. He leans into me until our noses brush and our parted lips nearly touch.
“You want me, Sol?” he asks, his breath fanning my lips.
“Yes,” I pant.
He grips my hip with one hand, pulling me flush against him so I feel how I’ve affected him, how hard he is for me. He lowers his head, and I know that if I don’t speak now, our first kiss will consume all thought.
“But I want myself more than I want to fuck you.”
My words hang between our lips, which are only separated by a paltry centimeter. His thick lashes flick up and his eyes meet mine. “Elaborate.”
“I want what I’m learning about myself, what I’m fixing about myself, how I’m standing on my own,” I say in a rush. “I want that more than anything. Even you.”
I reach up to touch the hard, high slant of his cheekbone.
“And I do want you so much,” I confess, letting my thumb drop to caress the full, soft anomaly of his lips in the rugged beauty of his face. “But this is something I have to do on my own. If I don’t do it now, I’ll repeat my mistakes, Judah. And I can’t go through it again, what I went through with Edward.”
“I’m not Edward.”
“But IamSoledad. I’m that girl who chose comfort over truth. Did I ignore what was wrong in my marriage, with my husband, because I wasn’t sure there was anything else for me? Did I not want to disrupt life for my girls? Or was it that I didn’t want to disrupt life for myself? Those are questions that demand answers.”
I don’t look away even when shame curdles in my belly at how weak that could make me appear to a man who’s so incredibly self-assured and strong.
“Maybe I didn’t see how I could do better on my own.” I lift my chin, even though it brings my mouth dangerously close to his. “But I’m learning what I’m capable of without a man. Just me.”
“And you want to be alone?”
“I want to know that if I am alone, it doesn’t mean I have to be lonely. That I can be content. I’m taking time to know and understand myself better. To converse with my heart. To listen to it.”
“I get that. I respect it.” He glances up, searching my eyes. “Is this forever? Are you saying that I can’t ever have something with you?”
A muscle twitches in his jaw while he waits, and I clearly see so much hangs on this question.
“No, I’m not saying that.”
He presses closer, laying his nose against my neck and breathing me in.
“Then I’ll wait.” His lips brush the soft skin of my throat, and I stifle a moan and pull back enough to find his eyes.
“I’m not asking you to, Judah. That’s not fair.”
His hand at my hip coasts up my back, sliding between my shoulder blades to caress my nape beneath the heavy fall of hair. “And what do you think I would be doing if I wasn’t waiting for you?”
I shrug, as if I don’t know, but I do know. I do know the risk of refusing to be with a man like Judah—eligible, successful, handsome, kind, generous, an amazing father. The risk is losing him before I ever get to have him.
“I guess you could find someone else and—”
“I’ve been divorced almost four years,” he says, lifting my chin and capturing my gaze. “Haven’t been in a relationship. Haven’t even been on a date. Haven’t been tempted to.”
I must do a bad job of hiding my shock because he chuckles and says, “I see that surprises you.”
“Well, yeah.”
“Why?”
“Have you seen yourself?” I laugh up at him. “I bet every single woman you meet and a few married ones are after you.”