Page 112 of Knox
“Me either. But ever since Dad died, and maybe even since you left, whenever I dared look at Jesus, I saw anger. But what if…what if I was looking at Jesus through the lens of my own shame. My own self-judgment. I saw what I thought I deserved.”
“Okay, I take it back, you are smarter than you look.”
Knox offered a small harrumph. “And then, I just stopped looking, put my head down, and kept working.”
Reuben nodded. “Yeah, I get that. Sometimes it’s just easier to do the things we know will make us feel better than simply stopping to…I don’t know, receive. It’s like what happens when we get a water dump—we take cover and let the bombers take out the fire around us. They do all the work.”
“Stand back and see what I will do,” Knox mumbled. “Remember that verse Dad used to quote, from Exodus? After Moses tried everything with Pharaoh?”
“Exodus 14:13. ‘Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today,’” Rueben said softly.
Knox nodded, his eyes turning gritty. “What if that’s the key to the entire thing? To stop and look up and…truly see Jesus. Believe Him at His word, that He loves us. That we shouldn’t assign how we feel about ourselves to Jesus. Maybe He loves us. Nothing else.”
“I think I figured it out. You’re sitting in the big leather chair. Dad is rubbing off on you, because now you’re starting to sound like him,” Reuben said.
Heat rushed over Knox, through him, touched his bones, and he looked away, his eyes burning.
“You know, bro, maybe if we saw love more in each other, it might be easier to look up and accept it from God.”
Knox looked at him. “Clearly it’s not the chair.”
Reuben lifted a shoulder. “Gilly’s dad is a preacher. Something might have stuck.”
Knox sighed. “I’m sorry, Reuben. For everything. I was…I was so jealous of you. And Wyatt and Tate and even Ford. Jealous that you got to run off and live your lives, and I pined for my stupid bull-riding dream. And who knows if I would have made it into the PBR, but—but that’s not the point. I kept looking at your lives, and I hated mine. I thought it was…boring, I guess.”
“And then Kelsey walked in,” Reuben said, smiling. “And your boring became her sexy.”
Safe is a good thing, you know.Kelsey walked into his head, took a seat on his lap, leaned her lips close to his, and his mouth dried. Especially when he heard his own words to her.
Have you not met me? I’m the guy who sticks around. Who keeps his promises—or tries with everything inside him to. I show up. And I stick around. You can count on me. I made you a promise back in Texas, and I intend to keep it.
He shook his head. Some promise keeper he was. “Maybe it’s time I was reckless.”
Reuben gave him a slow grin. “Maybe.” He got up. “The insurance guy is headed this way. I’m going to go talk to him—I’d like to get started on the barn, and I need to see how much we might get for it.” He got up, but then stopped at the door. “Let me be the brother you need me to be. You—go do something crazy.”
Knox nodded. He ran his fingers over the lyrics on the desk.
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Oh, Dad. How Knox missed him.
Who is Jesus to you, son?
He closed his eyes, heard the question.
He’d have to look up to find out, perhaps.
You’ll never find your path by looking at yourself, Knox.
He drew in a breath, hearing his father’s voice, that last time they’d ridden fence together.You want to find your way, keep looking up.
Except, he hadn’t even been moving, too safe.
Not anymore.
Lord, help me to see You. To put my focus not on myself, and not on my brothers, but on You. On Your love. Be my vision, Lord.