Page 131 of Ford

The wave picked her up, bobbed her, settled her back into a trough. She grabbed the edge of the boat, took a breath, and ducked under the side, back out into the open water, still clinging to the rim of the boat.

A pale moon had come out, the storm clouds scattered, only a few stars willing to scrabble through the clutter. But the moon shed wan light on the blackened water. Around her, the sea still churned, dragging her into a cauldron of unformed waves. Her arms trembled, her bones liquid. She couldn’t even guess how long she’d been under the skiff, but it seemed night had deepened and might even be waning.

She could be headed for Iran for all she knew.

Get on the boat. The thought banged inside her, and she reached for a hold, anything to pull herself onto the bottom of the craft. But it was smooth and slick, and she fell back.

Her breaths came fast, one over another, and she closed her eyes, trying to find her center.

Dig deep, Red. You can give more than you have, you just don’t realize it.

Ford, his voice, pushing her to swim faster, harder during her training.

She gritted her teeth and searched again for a hold on the hull of the boat.

That’s my girl.

Only this time, not Ford but her mother. She fell back into the water, kicking, leaning her head against the side.

She closed her eyes, willing herself to not let go. “Help.”

She didn’t know where the word came from or to whom she might be talking—the word simply bubbled out of her. And with it, Yanna’s voice.All they have to do is call out to Him, and He’ll be there. Every time. He does not forsake His people.

She clenched her jaw, remembering her outburst to Ford on the train.Admit it, Ford. God abandoned me. Just like my mother. If I think for one minute that He is going to save me, if I start relying on Him to care, to show up, to believe that I matter, then I’m going to be in big trouble.

So maybe she had no business calling out to God—if He was even listening.

Another wave hit, slamming her against the boat, tugging her away. “Help!”

Her arms burned, and she barely held on, but pulled herself back to the boat.

I think hope is also about who you hope in. Maybe you don’t trust the circumstances, but the source.

The source.

Want an animal cracker?

The bizarre question, rising now from her memory, brought a whimper. Her mother, coming to sit beside her in the bleachers between meets the year she’d swum for her junior high team.

She was shivering so hard her teeth clattered—even now the force of them could draw blood, and she tasted it, hot and tinny on her lips.

Don’t sit out here and freeze.

In memory, her mother sat down beside her, wrapping a heavy towel over her shoulders, then her arm as she pulled Scarlett to herself. She was dry and sober and smelled of the cigarette smoke at the Lucky 13 where she waited tables. Probably fresh off a day shift.

Want an animal cracker? She handed Scarlett a box of Barnum’s.Sorry,I already ate all the elephants, but I left the lions for you.

“Mom.”

Scarlett’s breath hiccupped, a fist releasing in her chest. Wow, she missed her. And yes, her mother had been a wreck most of the time.

But she’d wanted to love Scarlett. Even if she didn’t know how. Didn’t know how to give love—didn’t know how to receive love. Didn’t even know how to love herself. Or if she was worth loving.

And she’d passed on that fear to her daughter.

Scarlett kept looking at herself, fearing that she wasn’t enough to make God show up but…what if He had sent Ford? Over and over and…

I don’t need a reason to love you.