Page 9 of Up All Night
“Forty-three. And like you, I’m not a cheater. I was married to a woman for over two decades. I took our vows seriously.” Sean’s tone was conversational but firm. “She was one of my best friends. Even if she would have been okay with me screwing around on the side, I wasn’t going to step out on her or the kids. That’s not who I am.”
My eyebrows lifted. “She wouldn’t have minded?”
“She implied as much a few times. Maxine is an academic-minded climate scientist who’d rather be analyzing snow samples than making bedroom magic.” Sean’s tone was fond, and he gave an almost wistful shake of his head. “We were the classic high-school couple of valedictorian good girl and second-string football player. Our families went to the same church, and our dating felt predestined. Not many sparks, but a deep friendship. We always could talk about anything.”
“Talking is good.” I said the words, but I tended to go for sparks. I wasn’t one for deep conversations. Sean’s chatty nature was both infectious and unnerving, the way I wanted him to keep going rather than herding him out of my apartment. “So you were high-school sweethearts?”
“Yup. Predictably went all the way on senior prom night. Had sporadic sex over the next year. Got pregnant with Declan despite using protection.”
“That happens.” Not to me, but the way Sean’s mouth twisted said he still had unresolved feelings about the decades-old surprise. “So you got married?”
“Tale as old as time.” Done toweling off, he pulled back on his jeans. “Got married. Conceived Bridget in a sleep-deprived act neither of us remembered until the two pink lines showed up.”
I blinked at that. “Can’t say I’ve ever had sex while sleeping.”
“Can’t say I recommend it.” Sean chuckled as he picked up his pullover from the bathroom floor and put it on. “We muddled through those early years together. Then Maxine discovered the queer community in graduate school and became comfortable with talking about her asexuality. It explained a lot of our bedroom friction.”
“I’m sorry.” As soon as I said it, I knew that probably wasn’t the right reply, and predictably, Sean bristled.
“Don’t be. It was a good life, and I had my right hand and porn for restless nights. We were both committed to raising the kids. Sex took a backseat, but we made a lot of great family memories. Then, she asked for a divorce. Said it was time. Kids are grown. Her career is global at this point. The marriage that had been so comfortable for us both had started to chafe, I guess.”
“But not for you?” Not in any particular hurry to get dressed, I wrapped my towel around my waist as Sean found his socks.
“Maxine said it wasn’t fair to me to keep it going. That I needed to get out there, find what would make me happy. I wasn’t so sure. I’m kind of a creature of habit. The marriage and lack of sex weren’t ideal, but things were familiar. I liked our house, our neighborhood, our friends, and my job. Our life, really. I liked that life.”
“Maxine’s not wrong.” I wasn’t sure what to make of Sean pining for a domesticity I’d never known or craved. This Maxine seemed wiser and more logical than Sean. Move on. That’s what I’d do, but then, that was what I’d always done. “So you took her advice finally? That’s why you said yes to me? An experiment? See if dick does it for you before you find the next Mrs.?”
“Boy, you have a lot of bitterness for someone who had the bright idea to invite me in for a shower.” Sean shook his head, tone more disappointed than censoring. “I’m not sure who wounded you, but it wasn’t me.”
“You’re right.” I blew out a harsh breath. This wasn’t like me, the snappy, judgmental attitude. Unlike Sean, I wasn’t good at the whole sharing my life history thing, but I owed him a piece of the truth.
“It’s not your fault. I seem to be a magnet for straight dudes. I don’t really do relationships, but the closest I had was a toxic on-again-off-again thing with a band member when I was a roadie for a number of years.” Somehow, I managed to make the disaster that was getting involved with James sound like a mild cold, not the poison that almost did me in. “He wasn’t ever coming out, and I knew it, but somehow, we kept ending up back in bed. I finally ended it. I wouldn’t say wounded, but maybe there are a few scars.”
Liar.My chest ached, the deep hole where others had hearts calling me out.
“Understandable. And I’ll be honest with you. I’m not sure what this was.” A muscle in Sean’s jaw moved as he finished putting on his shoes. “When I was younger, before Maxine and I got serious, I had some inkling that certain guys did it for me. Never acted on it because there was a lot of pressure to do the all-American football player thing. Then later, my porn-watching habits became rather…diverse. And then gradually more and more oriented toward man-on-man action. I didn’t want the divorce, but now that it’s happened, exploring doesn’t seem like the worst idea.”
“It’s not. Be safe out there, but sow those wild oats.” I made my voice hearty but detached. “Sounds like you never got the chance earlier. Go forth and have all the hookups.”
“But not with you?” Sean met my gaze, peering deeply into my eyes.
I glanced away. Didn’t need him seeing how damn much I’d like seconds with him. But I couldn’t. “Not with me.”
“You’re good with casual, but not repeats?” He sounded let down. Not only had he been a fire captain used to being in charge, but he was also charming enough that he probably didn’t often hear the wordno.
“I’m not opposed to repeats, but I can’t be your introductory course in queer sex.” I went for firm honesty, steering him out of the bathroom, out of temptation’s range, and toward the door.
“Even if I asked nicely?” Yep. He was charming, all right. So charming I could way too easily picture him on his knees again, maybe this time on my bed…
Buzz. Buzz.Sean dug his phone out of his pocket before I could answer his question.
“Darn it. Eric’s kids are awake.” Frowning, he grabbed his jacket off the coat rack. “Some sort of pancake drama happening. I better go.”
I swallowed a frustrated noise. I’d been way too close to giving in and resented the reminder that Sean was a responsible guy. He was in town to help a friend, not drifting through, and for all he was eager to experience more, this wasn’t a guy who did casual anything. Dangerous for us both.
I nodded sharply, gesturing at the door. “Yeah, you better.”
“Well, uh… Thanks?” Sean offered me a crooked smile that quickly faded to a confused expression. He wasn’t the only one who had no idea how to part, but I couldn’t let him see that any more than I could let him see how tempted I was.