Page 58 of Off the Clock
“Stupid like dumb shit that’s one step short of having a permanent record. And if I tell people about what went down last year, sometimes they act like stupidity might be contagious. Or like they need to hide their wallets and lock up the spray paint.”
“Ah. Judgmental people are the worst.” What I didn’t add because it wouldn’t be helpful was that expectations went both ways. For years, everyone had expected me to do the right and predictable thing to the point that wanting a life of my own felt like a radical act.
“Yeah. And sometimes it’s people you least expect to judge.” He pursed his lips before glancing back at the house. I had a feeling he meant John, but I didn’t want to press. “Feels like I’ll always be that fuckup.”
“It’s never too late for a fresh start and for proving people wrong.”
“Put it on a motivational poster.” He gave me a much-deserved pointed look.
“Sorry.” I offered a sheepish smile. He was right that my advice was cliché, but the words rumbled in my brain. Whose assumptions did I need to prove wrong? Caleb? Coach Willard?My friends? In Scotty’s case, negative expectations were holding him back, but I was proof that positive ones could be equally hard to overcome.
“Everyone is always going to see Scotty the Fuckup.” Scotty made a wide, sweeping gesture with his hands. “Doesn’t matter what I do.”
“I don’t believe that’s true.” I gentled my voice. “You’ve got friends here. And even if they might seem judgmental about your past, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t call you that.”
“Of course not. They’renice.” Scotty said nice like it was a curse word. “And they’re why I want to change. But I did something today that I don’t wanna tell Caleb about, and you’d think I lifted a car, what with John yammering over precedent and secret keeping.”
“Ah.” Dangerous territory indeed, as there was a limit to what secrets I could keep on Scotty’s behalf.
“Chill. It wasn’t illegal or anything.” Scotty made a dismissive gesture. “But Caleb’s always going to see the worst in me and treat me like a little kid. And this is exactly what I meant. Get a rep for making impulsive mistakes and everyone assumes I went base-jumping or shoplifting, not that I talked to a recruiter.”
“A recruiter? Like army?” At least it wasn’t criminal, but given Caleb’s reluctance for Scotty to pursue the military post-graduation, I had to tread carefully here.
“Yeah. An army recruiter. I always thought enlisting would mean no more football, but it turns out I could play football at West Point or use an ROTC scholarship to supplement scholarships for playing elsewhere. And even though my grades from my old school suck, it’s not an automatic rejection, especially if I keep it together this year.”
“That’s good news on the grades,” I said carefully. “See? People do see the potential for you to change.”
“But Caleb won’t.” Scotty set his jaw as his eyes took on a stubborn cast. “You have any idea what a hard act to follow he is?”
“Maybe a little,” I said before I thought the better of the reply. It was the truth, however, because I wasn’t sure I personally was ever replacing the effect Caleb had on my life.
“He’s such a good person, and he expects everyone else to be too.”
“You are good too,” I protested, even though I had an idea what Scotty meant. Caleb had a strong, unwavering moral core, and he did have high expectations for others in his life. It made sense that he didn’t see staying on the down-low as an option for us.
“At finding trouble.” Scotty snorted. “I wanna be a better person, but that’s different from everything coming easy.”
My eyes went wide at that. “You really think Caleb’s had it that easy? Maybe you should ask him about high school.”
For all Caleb had talked to me about being bullied, I didn’t like to think about his younger self because a helpless sort of rage overwhelmed me when I did. But I pushed past those feelings to a more important point: Scotty didn’t know what Caleb had been through because they’d never talked. All he saw was the person Caleb was now, a well-respected firefighter, happy with a group of friends, and the laughing exterior Caleb insisted on presenting to most of the world.
I knew him differently. I knew his struggles and his desire to be taken more seriously by his colleagues. However, I knew because Caleb had told me.You’ll keep it under your hat.Coach Willard’s words rang in my ears. For the first time, my frustration at Caleb being unwilling to consider the option of not being out gave way to an understanding that the suggestion alone came from a place of privilege. I could pass as straight. I had for an entire military career, but at what cost?
“Talk to your brother.” I used my sergeant voice on Scotty. I couldn’t reveal the confidences Caleb had shared with me, and I couldn’t force Caleb to reveal his inner self to Scotty. But they could both benefit. “You might learn something.”
“Ha.” Scotty gave a harsh laugh.
“Seriously. You guys are more alike than you think. And he’s your brother who loves you. Don’t take that for granted.”
An electric jolt hit the back of my neck. I had been doing exactly that, taking Caleb’s easygoing nature and affection for granted.
“It’s hard when he’s so annoyingly perfect.” Scotty glanced skyward like God might be on his side with this one, then exhaled loudly. “But I get what you’re saying. Caleb does a lot for me.”
“He does. And he put in a lot of effort to make you a home.” My voice wavered because Scotty wasn’t the only one who’d taken Caleb for granted. And in all my deliberating over what might be best for me and, by extension, us, I hadn’t thought enough about Caleb and what he deserved.
“I better get going before Caleb sends out a search party.” Scotty’s tone was fonder now.
“Think about talking to him. About everything. Give him a chance,” I urged while hoping Caleb could do the same for me. I needed a chance to make things right. I’d spent days wondering how to save things with Caleb, but it turned out I’d possibly been asking the wrong questions all along.