Page 69 of Forever Only Once

I wasn’t the same woman I had been with Thomas, and I surely wasn’t the same person I had become after.

I was a new me, now, one I couldn’t quite figure out. But one I needed to decode.

Paris: Excuse me, you’re not answering your texts. Are you playing with his eggplant emoji?

I laughed out loud and started cleaning off the counter, my salad freshly prepared, before I finally picked up my phone.

Me: I do believe it’s time for us to start on the next phase of this pact because if you’re spending so much time discussing a certain eggplant emoji that has nothing to do with you, it’s your time.

Dakota:I agree with that. It’s her time next.

Myra: So does that mean you’re done? You’re happy?

I paused, trying to decide exactly how to answer that.

Paris: We can’t move on to me unless we know you’re settled.

Me:Excuse me? I didn’t know that was part of the rules. And what do we mean, settled? How settled do I need to be?

Sweat broke out over my body, and I tried to catch my breath. Settled? I had been married once before and could still remember the heat of his breath on my neck. The way he tugged and pulled at me. The way he made me scream. I didn’t want to be married again. Right?

Or was I wrong?

Dakota: Hey, settled doesn’t mean married.

Myra:No, settled just means happy. And you haven’t told us what you feel. That’s all we mean. We don’t want to leave you behind as we try to figure out the mess that is Paris’s love life.

I laughed then and shook my head.

Paris:Excuse me. We are all in the same boat of the what-the-hell of our love lives. You don’t need to single me out.

Myra: You’re next. I’m going to single you out. However, the word settled does have connotations that could mean too much for all of us. Perhaps we really do need an explanation.

I loved when Myra got all technical. She was so poised and a little elite sometimes, but then she could do shots like nobody’s business.

Me: Let’s not discuss the word settled. Happy. Does happy work?

Perhaps.

Me:Maybe. What does that mean?

Dakota:I don’t know what Paris means, but from my point of view, I think we should still work on Paris and get started because she’s just going to bombard you with eggplant emojis. While we’re doing that, we can focus on you, as well. We are smart, funny women who can multitask. Let’s do that. We’ll multitask in the name of figuring out exactly who the hell we’re going to set Paris up with, and how we’re going to make sure that you stay happy. Because we want you happy.

My cheeks warmed, and my stomach clenched, but it wasn’t nerves. No, it was the fact that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t alone anymore, despite what Thomas had tried for so many years.

I had left him, run from him, and I’d lost everyone from my past. Had almost lost everything. Now I had a new family, one that I had chosen.

Cross wasn’t part of that. Not yet. But he could be. And that was different for me. Something I was still trying to figure out. He made me happy, and I knew I wasn’t alone. I had him. So maybe I just needed to figure out what that meant.

Me: I’m meeting Cross later tonight for dinner. I’m not going to discuss eggplant emojis with you, but let’s just say, there’s enough eggplant to go around. But I’m not sharing.

I laughed out loud at all the emojis the other girls sent, mostly eggplants and peaches and wide-eyed little faces.

My friends were dorks, but then again, so was I. It’s why we got along. Because we’d all been hurt in more ways than one, only some of us didn’t talk about it as much.

But we were trying. We had made a pact to start dating for a reason. Because we were lonely and needed something more in our lives.

Somehow, even when I wasn’t looking, Cross had become that person for me.