Page 170 of Under the Waves

Something was wrong.

Something was wrong you big, fucking idiot!

“Fuck!” I yelled, slamming my fist against the wall. Trembling fingers grasped at my chest as I collapsed under the weight of my own body, sliding down the wall until I ended up as a broken pile of bones on the floor. I slammed my head back against the wall repeatedly in an attempt to quieten all the thoughts inside my head.

No one believes me, dad,I thought as tears started dripping from my eyelids in rivers down my cheeks,they don’t need me anymore.

Sobs tore my throat raw as they erupted from inside of me like a volcano that had been waiting years to explode. I was finally breaking—I could feel it in the way my chest hammered,and my eyes burned and how my breaths stammered out of my lips as my teeth chattered together.

I just wanted my dad. I wanted him more than anything in the world. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I needed him to tell me I would survive this. I didn’t know what to do anymore. My mom had slaved away her entire life making sure I’d never forget how loved I was, even though it was just her and me, when everyone else had two loving parents and a house full of dreams.

There were times when I missed him more than I treasured having her—times when I forgot that I still had a mom and losing him didn’t mean losing her too.

Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong.

“Get out of my head!” I snapped, muffling the sound with my hands in fear that they would hear me losing my sanity. I didn’t even want to know how pathetic I looked right now. Every part of me felt agitated and absolutely helpless, I could feel it right down to my bones.

“Just get out of my head,” I cried, voice utterly hoarse and ripped to shreds. I shook my head, trying to collect my thoughts and puzzle together some sort of recollection of what my head was screaming at me to remember.

But everything was a blur—a big, fatblur. My fists clenched as I exhaled, heavily and painfully, before dropping helplessly by my sides. My entire body was beating to the drum of a broken record, patches of words and fragments of memories floating around my head like lost puzzle pieces.

“Jasper?”

I peeked up to the sound of a little voice whispering my name. As I squinted, I could barely see two little blue eyes staring at me through the darkness of the hallway. A tiny pair of fingers hugged the edge of the door frame, gripping onto it with such might—something I’d only ever seen in the Davis siblings: that unbeatable determination to never give up.

I wiped the back of my hand across my face, trying to make myself look less likemeand more like Uncle Jas.

“Are you okay?”

As soon as I heard those three words, I knew they could only belong to one Davis girl.

“Hey, Bells,” I tried to smile. “What are you doing up so late?”

Her quiet footsteps crept across the floorboards without making them creak, and part of me wondered if it was down to pure luck, or if it was something she’d picked up from her older sister. My heart sank into my chest at the thought of her alone in that house at eight years old, knowing that the only way to not get hurt was to be quiet—to be seen and not heard.

I opened my arms as she drew near, her small body falling against mine as I tucked her against my body. Her head fell against my chest, right above my heart, as her long, brown hair spilled everywhere. Keeping one firm grip around her, I used my free hand to cradle her small frame tightly against mine.

“Yeah,” I breathed, lightly kissing the top of her head as I brushed a loose strand of hair from her eyes. “I’m okay, Farfallina.”

She nodded ever so slightly but I could tell she was unconvinced. It would never fail to shock me how similar she was to Lia and the truth was, I thought she too deep down knew it too, and resented the hell out of it.

Belle had always wanted to be her own person. Ever since she was born, I knew from the moment I looked into those big, blue eyes, that she was going to be extraordinary—that she was going to rock this world straight off its axis, and nothing could’ve prepared me to watch her slowly lose that passion, that fiery spark that was now inherited by her little brother, Lucas.

Part of me thought that maybe she felt kind of stuck in who she wanted to be, and the world hadn’t given her much of a choice in the matter. She looked after her younger twin siblings like they were her own. At only eight years old, she’d helped raise three children. She’d lost parts of herself in the process of it, just like Lia had, but I’d be damned if I let her lose herself entirely. This hell of a world would have to rip her from my cold, dead arms before I wouldeverlet anything bad happen to her.

I didn’t know if I’d ever have kids someday, having witnessedwhat each and every single one of my friends had gone through over the years, but I didn’t need a biological daughter when I had her. Belle was the closest I would ever get to being a parent, and just seeing the empathy and compassion in her eyes told me that I was doing a good job—that I was doing everything right by her.

“Why were you crying, Uncle Jas?” her little voice whispered as she pulled backwards just a fraction, looking up at me with those saddened blue eyes that were far too young to have seen all the horrors they had witnessed over the years. “Are you not happy anymore?”

I paused, letting her words sink into my skin.

Was I even happy anymore?

I sighed, feeling at a loss. “Sometimes, Bells, people feel sad and alone even though they’re surrounded by all their friends.”

“Is that how you feel, though?” she asked carefully, little brows knitted together. “Do I make you sad?” she added, barely above a whisper.

I shook my head immediately. “No, you could never make me sad, Bells. You’re one of the only happy things in my life and I don’t want you to ever let go, okay?”