Page 181 of Under the Waves
Just how much of my childhood did I spend as a forgotten thought?
How many times did my mom choose getting high over picking her own daughter up from school?
Those pills—those tiny, little white pills, would always mean more to her than I ever would because they were the one thing I wasn’t. When she looked at them, she saw an escape, a pathway of life where no pain existed. Whereas when she looked at me, pain was all she could see. In me, she saw the fragments of him.
And those damned green eyes.
Mygreen eyes.
She loved him for the same reason she resented me.
You’d think she would’ve loved me just for the amount of my father she saw in me…but she didn’t. She was blinded by love for him. He could do no wrong in her eyes.
ButIcould. Oh fuck, I could.
Hismistakes.Mypunishment.
God, I was so exhausted from taking the heat for his shit when he wasn’t even under the same roof as us anymore.
A small whimper left my lips as I shifted my weight onto my other leg, and as soon as it did, Jasper’s eyes slid to mine. Worry shone in those golden eyes as clear as daylight. I offered whatever I could pull together to resemble a smile.
I was okay. I wasalwaysokay.
His whole demeanor relaxed at my sad little attempt at a smile.
Then, he did something incredible—hesmiled. Not even that, that boy wasbeamingat me, eyes glowing and dilated, cheekstinted a soft rose. Each and all of it, just for me.
Safe had become Jasper Ridge.
He’d become it all.
“Hi, Jasper,” I whispered, feeling completely bare under the weight of his gaze burning into mine.
“Hi, Poppy.”
Jasper Ridge wasn’t just looking at me,no. He wasworshipingme.
“Mamma, this is Poppy. Wellsy, this is my mom, Vienna,” he hummed, a soft sort of proudness glinting in his gaze. Vienna spun around to face me. Her eyes instantly locked onto mine and glowed, just as Jasper’s had moments ago.Mother like son.
“Gosh, it’s so good to finally meet you, my darling!” she praised, clapping her hands together gently after setting the wooden spoon down on the side. There was something so pure, so comforting about her essence that had me fighting away tears from forming in the corners of my eyes.
More than that, she looked at me like shecaredabout me. That from that very first glance, she decided that I was also hers to protect and cherish in the same way she would her own child.
As she walked over towards me, the scent of lavender and vanilla mixed creating a heavenly atmosphere. The delicate touch of her fingers brushing against my shoulder and gently squeezing it in an encouraging tone was the last straw. Before I knew it, a dampness coated my cheeks. Mirroring rivers of salty tears fell across my skin as I licked away the evidence of them as they settled on my lips.
“Oh, my little girl,” Vienna half-whispered, before pulling me into a full blown hug. Her arms settled tightly around my back, as one of her hands gently brushed the back of my head in a comforting manner. Each stroke of her fingers against my hair just caused more tears to fall from my eyes, serving as a reminder that this would never,ever, be mine. I wasn’t worthy of it. Iwasn’t.
“It’s going to be okay, Poppy. Just you wait and see. All the monsters are gone, my sweet, little girl. You’re with us now.” Pulling back ever so slightly, she dabbed the back of the sleeve of her cotton cardigan against my damp cheeks, erasing away every tear whilst unknowingly patching up wounds that were never ripped open because of her. “You don’t ever have to go back there, okay? You will always have a choice in what you wantto do, sweetie, and my boy and I will respect whatever it is that you chose to do.”
I sniffled, wiping the back of my hand against my eyes in an attempt to regain any dignity I had left after bawling my eyes out in front of Jasper’s mom. Though, I had very little energy left to even begin to think about caring. I was exhausted and tired and drained.
Completely and utterlydrained.
“Would…would it be okay if I stayed here tonight? I mean, I don’t want to impose at all. I can go and find somewhere else to stay if it’s any inconvenience. I can find somewhere, really. It’s no trouble, I—”
“Damn fucking straight you’re staying here,” Jasper growled, reaching where I stood in only three strides before his palms were cupping my cheeks and his darkened eyes fiercely locked onto mine. My bottom lip trembled as I bit down on it. Just before I could scratch my neck, Jasper interlocked both his hands in mine and rested them atop of my heart, just as I had for him that day in the showers.
He knew.A small smile fell onto my lips. Jasper knew that was how I coped with my anxiety and was instead offering me an alternative coping mechanism that was less self-destructive.