Page 82 of Under the Waves

Jakson managed to save his ass from being thrown into thedeep below and climbed back onto his board. Nate was paddling back out when Jakson caught a wave. He dove into the highest point scoring combo we practiced together, nailing each move with precision. I could feel the boys watching him—eyeing each move he threw himself into and mentally noting down how he pulled it off.

Even Poppy was watching him with a hint of admiration in her fierce gaze.

The only one unfazed by his surfing magic was Lia. She looked like she’d been kissed by death, watching him with bated breath. Each move he drove himself into made her flinch—the movement was so subtle not even Lachlan caught it, despite her body resting up against his.

If Jakson was here,hewould’ve noticed it.

If he was here, he would’ve seen just how terrified she became for him whenever he surfed.

But he wasn’t here, was he?

Helefther. He left them all.

I drew in a breath, my chest tightening. I knew Jakson Calloway—I’d been picking his drunken ass off the floor since seventh grade. Even before that, I was keeping him above the waves every damned day. I watched as he threw his life away slowly over the years. Despite how many times I tried to stop him, the alcohol always won. I’d been enabling him my entire life, but it was either that or risk losing him, and somehow, letting him slowly kill himself was better than losing him entirely.

I watched as he turned from Lego to whiskey, from humor to silence. Watched as he disappeared into a shade of gray for days on end, only to return all smiles and jokes and laughter. It was brushed away, hidden under the rug that dampened the darkness of his life.

That was how he coped.

He drank. He disappeared. He silenced himself.

Jakson Calloway was the epitome of happiness until you looked past all of that and sawhim. Saw past the humor he used to cope with, past the flashy grins and lying eyes.

Underneath all of those defensive masks was a boy who silenced himself because that was all he knew. His parents never taught him that it was okay tofeel, and because of that, he pushed away any hint of emotion that touched him.

He kept it all in because no one had ever given him that safe space for him to let it all out.

It was bottled up, buried, and burned.

He isolated himself from the world because he didn’t think he was worthanything—they never showed up for him, never once watched him pick up that surfboard and decide that it was going to be his lifeline. That this sport was going to give him more of a home than they ever did for him.

Jakson Calloway was the original lost boy who was still searching for his place in this world. His empty home echoed with every breath he let out, every step he took. The loneliness swallowed him whole.

So, he searched for ways to fill the silence.

He thought by making other people laugh, it would fill that blackened, blistering hole inside of him. That he could scrub away the silence and replace it with a constant ringing of happiness. It never mattered to him that all that joy would never belong to him, that he would never get to feel like them. So long as they laughed at him, he wouldn’t feel so alone. He wouldn’tbe soalone.

So, I laughed along with him.

Never at him.

I picked him off the floor, washed his vomit-stained shirts. And in return, he opened up his big, empty house for us all, creating what would become to be our safe space. Our hideaway. Ourhome. Something we all craved in our own ways. For some it was the security, the sense of belonging…but I needed thestability, the reassurance that I had them, that I could rely on them, and they wouldn’t leave me too.

They wouldn’t be taken away from my life like my dad was.

They wouldn’t be erased into memories, intonothingness.

I’d never considered how different my life would’ve been if I hadn’t met Jakson Calloway. It had never crossed my mind. He was my brother, my best friend. Yet he was still just akid; a kid who had to raise himself, and when the road got tough, he turned his head to be met with a blank wall of an empty house. They should’ve been standing there. He looked every time hoping the next one would finally be different, that they would finally show up for him…but they never did.

It was Lia and I who sat in the hospital room with him afterhe broke his first bone. Huddled together on that small cot, shivering as crisp winter snow settled outside. Wires and tubes. The constant beeping.

Jakson spent a week in that hospital room.

And they never once showed up to comfort him, something about a business conference too important to miss.

Something that was more important than him.

So, Lia and I stayed by his side every step of the way.