Page 9 of Under the Waves
The crashing of waves echoed in my ears as the moonlight blared down on the open ocean. We must have been talking as we walked as we ended up stood outside the surf school, the night sky dancing above our heads.
“Take care of yourself kid,” he paused for a minute before adding, “and if you need anything at all, don’t even think twice about coming here or asking us for help. We’re here for you Pops.”
With a nod, I offered him as much of a smile I could master before walking down the road, careful on my footing. I pushed the emotions away, locking them in a cage deep inside me. What was it that Elsa said?Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show…or something like that. I refused to think about what he said until I was buried under my sheets and deep into a tub of ice cream with my favorite marvel hoodie on.
Just as I tugged my headphones on, letting the comfort ofCamdenby Gracie Abrams hum through them, I crashed into a wall. Well, Ithoughtit was a wall until a pair of fierce green eyes met mine.
“Whoa there, princess,” he said with a smile, grabbing onto my arms to stop me from falling.What the hell was happening to me. I was invisible, a wallflower, a damned fuckingnobodyin this towns eyes. What the hell had I done to deserve this bad karma?
“Sorry, I didn’t see you there,” I muttered beneath my breath, my head still spinning from before, but when I looked up, Iflinched.
Nate.Ohmygod it was Nate. Why did it have to beNate?
I needed to leave.Now.
“No problem, princess,” Nate smiled, before tugging at the wire of my headphones. “Nice headphones.”
He laughed and the sound made me want togag. A million memories threatened to resurface—of him and his friends towering over my helpless body curled up on the sidewalk, the sound of their laughter ricocheting around me like a cruel joke. Bile arose in my throat, and even though I swallowed it back down, the bitter taste remained.
I pulled my headphones off, stuffing them into my pockets before he had a chance to hear the song pounding through them. I didn’t need him to know how much I related to that song. I didn’t want him to realize who he was talking to and humiliate me again like I was some little kid in the grade below him. I didn’t want it to start all over again.
I was the butt of all his jokes.And I was sick of it.
“Alright then…are you feeling any better?”
“What?” I squeaked out. Each one of my fingers trembled.
Hold it down. Hold it down. Hold it down.
Nate’s thumb brushed over the bridge of my nose and down across my cheek to the edge of my jaw. I recoiled backwards. Everything around me started to blur.
You’re not there anymore.
He can’t hurt you.
He can’t touch you.
You’re okay.
You’re fine.
Breathe.
“Oh…yeah, I’m fine,” I replied shakily. I’d said the wordsI’m fineso fucking much they didn’t mean anything anymore.
Wait…how did he know about what happened?
“How do you know about that?” I asked cautiously, tugging my arms away from him, but his steel grip remained, pulling me back towards him. Every part of me was trembling yet he still didn’t let me go.
“Don’t you remember me?” He laughed like he hadn’t been one of the leaders of the group of people who bullied me relentlessly through middle school. Of course I remembered him.How could I not?I remembered every single thing he did to me and I would continue to for the rest of my life. He bore the face of my nightmares. The sound of his laughter was my own personal hell.
I hated it.
Every day of middle school, I walked the halls with my head hung low, trying to make myself as small as physically possible. Him, Miya, their friends…they all made me terrified of leaving the house. Something as simple as walking home became abattlefield. It was relentless. They were mean, and cruel, and downrighthorrible…and-and what had I done to deserve it? Why had I been the target of their abuse?
What was so horrible about me? What was sounlovable?
I was tame. I was kind and sweet and gentle. I laughed and I loved and Idreamed.