Page 60 of Delay of Game

“Well, you know, Zachary lives in Vancouver, and he stayed in Philly last offseason, so I wasn’t sure whether his family would want him to come home?”

“What does that have to do with me?” Nate couldn’t quite quell the rising feeling of panic choking his throat.

“I thought—maybe—well, silly me, I just thought maybe you two would be seeing his family this year instead, at least for a little,” Mom said. Her voice was very soft and very kind and so hopeful that Nate wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

“Mom,”he said, over the sound of his blood rushing in his ears like the ocean in a seashell. “He’sgoing home,I’mnot going. It’s not—it’s not like we’redating.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just thought after I saw you at the Chanukah party—maybe—you two had figured it out.”

Nate swallowed hard and rested his head against the cool metal of the fridge. His chest felt tight and twisted. It wasn’t like his mom had ever implied something like this before, but it still wasn’t entirely a surprise. Of course she thought they were dating, because she had always thought the world of him and couldn’t understand why other people didn’t see it too.Shedidn’t understand the imbalance, the weird set of circumstances and delusions that had aligned to let Nate have this, at least for a time. She didn’t understand the house of cards he’d built. Zach had figured it out, and Nate was...well, Nate was Nate.

“Mom, it’s really not like that.”

“Oh,Nathaniel...”

Nate thought almost savagely, hating himself,don’t fuckingpityme, not you too, please, and snapped, “Seriously, Mom? Can you ever mind your own business? Can we not talk about this, please? I’m going to be there. He won’t.”

“Nathaniel.”

“Mom... I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I didn’t mean to yell, I’m just...having a rough time this year.” He stared out the kitchen window at the pots that had been his herb garden. The plants had withered and died in the cold; he just hadn’t had a chance to dig them out. It was so fucking stupid, but hot tears were pricking the corners of his eyes, like he was a kid who couldn’t control himself anymore.

“You seemed so much happier and at ease with yourself, that’s why I thought—”

Nate’s eyes stung but instead, he said, “Well, it’s been a weird year. I, um, don’t really wanna talk about it on the phone.”

“Well...whenever you’re ready, honey, you know I’m here.”

“I know, Mom. I do.”

“Okay, well. You owe us a dinner at home soon.”

“I’ll be there, I promise.”

“Okay, Nathaniel. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

When Nate hung up, he heard the door open and then close again. Shit, that meant Zach was here. He took a deep breath and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand in a desperate attempt to look like he hadn’t been crying. It was probably a lost cause, anyway. He always had dark circles under his eyes, and now they were probably swollen and red. There was Zach, standing in the living room of Nate’s house. It wasn’t a surprise; he often came over for a pregame nap, and he had Nate’s door code. He was still in his rumpled plane sweats, frowning in concern when he saw the state of Nate’s facial expression.

“Baby,” he said, “what’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing,” Nate mumbled. “Just, you know. My mom called.”

“She didn’t say anything nasty, did she...?”

“No, no, she didn’t mean to be a jerk or anything, it’s just...sometimes she just, uh, assumes things about me, and my life. That aren’t true.”

Zach stepped forward and embraced him, and for a second, Nate could let his entire body relax into it. Zach’s warm arms, a comfort he absolutely didn’t deserve because he was such a fuckingmess. “You can tell me about it if you want. I’m a pretty good listener, you know. There’s a reason I’m a highly sought-after date.”

After everything, the words lashed his skin like a scourge. Nate could feel everything inside of him wither and die, the shame of wanting so desperately to date Zach for real and knowing it could never happen. The humiliating knowledge that he was panting like a fucking dog after something he could never have. “But it’s not likewe’redating.”

Zach’s arms around him went still. He looked up at Nate and took a deep breath. “Yeah, probably,” he said.

“But, you know. It’s not really a big deal.” Nate took a deep breath of his own and counted to ten. If he could just get himself back under control, if he could just act normally, he could get through the day and then things would be fine for the game later. Just thinking about being able to sleep in the bed with Zach, to have his body curled up against Nate’s, was calming.

“It’s not?”

“Well, no. I just have to...not take things she says so personally. Sometimes. She means well. That’s the thing with her. She always means well. It’s just me that’s the problem.”