Page 26 of A Sea of Unspoken Things

Micah’s expression changed a little, his eyes softening.

“And for it to happen outthere.” I swallowed, careful not to touch too closely to the memory we’d both worked hard to bury. “I mean, that’s just a coincidence?”

Micah leaned back in the chair, saying nothing, and I didn’t know if it was because he didn’t want to revisit the night Griffin Walker died any more than I did, or if he’d thought the same thing.

Griffin had been our friend. Never as tightly pulled into the circle as me, Micah, and Johnny, but, living next door, he was always around. I would never have pegged him as a kid who would turn out to be remarkably talented, but the entire town revolved around him for the few years before he died. Even then, to us, he was still just Griffin.

Things didn’t really change until he was recruited by Stanford, and overnight, it was as if he suddenly believed everything everyone was saying about him. I’d had the same experience when I got my acceptance letter and scholarship to Byron. Like before that moment, it hadn’t been safe to really buy in to what other people said about me.

That’s also when things changed betweenus.I still don’t know why, but Griffin was the first person I told about the news from Byron. I didn’t know how to tell Johnny, or Micah for that matter, and I wasn’tsure I could really talk myself into going. Maybe the reason I told him was because Griffin was the only other person in town who was leaving. Or maybe it was because I wanted someone to give me permission to actually do it. But what I didn’t know was what would happen once there was a secret between us.

Stanford was only a short drive from Byron, and it wasn’t long before Griffin was talking about whenwewent away. Whenwewent to the city. Weeks went by, and I still hadn’t told my brother. Not because I was afraid that he would stop me from going. The real reason I didn’t want to tell him was because I knew he would make the decision for me. He would pack my things himself. Drive me down to San Francisco, even if I didn’t want to go. And I was ashamed to admit that I was terrified to leave him behind.

By the time I realized that Griffin had feelings for me, it was too late. And that night in the gorge, when he’d tried to kiss me, he was drunk. I couldn’t tell him that I was with Micah, because no one knew. Not even Johnny. And I had no idea when I put my hand on his chest and pushed him away, what was going to happen next.

“I’m just trying to understand what exactly was going on before Johnny died,” I said.

Micah finally exhaled. “Honestly, things were going…really well. Once he got hired on to the CAS project, I felt like that was it for him. Like he’d finally found his way in the world. He really believed in what they were doing, and he was well suited for it. I could tell that he was dreading it being over.”

“And he seemed…normal?”

“Normal?” Micah almost laughed.

“I mean, was he himself?”

“Being himself wasn’t exactly…You know how he was, James.”

I did. And that was the whole problem. Johnny had always been a burning fuse, even when we were kids. I’d spent years feeling like it was my job to tamp it out, but eventually, I’d had to accept that there was no controlling him. No predicting him, either. It was that burning fuse that had resulted in me leaving.

The mistake I’d made was thinking that I knew the limits of what he was capable of. And I’d also been wrong about the lengthsI’dgo to protect him. In the end, Johnny wasn’t the only one with blood on his hands.

“I just want to know that he was okay,” I said.

“Sometimes he was. Sometimes he wasn’t.”

“Come on, Micah.”

“What do you want me to say? You want a detailed timeline of Johnny’s moods for the last twenty years? I can’t give you that. Was he always kind of a mess? Yeah, he was. But he’d made a life for himself. He was happy. And you would know that if you’d bothered to come back.”

As soon as he said the words, I could tell that he wanted to pull them back into his mouth. But it was too late. It had taken all of three minutes for us to fall back into the same gaping wound that had always been there.

“Look, I don’t want to fight with you, James.”

I swallowed past the pain in my throat. “I don’t want to fight, either.”

“That’s a first,” he muttered.

I shot him a look, my temper ready to flare again, but it fizzled out when I saw the small grin pulling at his mouth. He was teasing me now.

“How about we try this again.” His eyes lifted from his glass to meet mine straight on, but it looked like it took effort. “It’s good to see you, James. Really.”

I let my fingers tap against my glass, emotion curling in my throat. “Yeah. You too.”

The words were hard to say, but not because they weren’t true. It was good to see him, but it hurt, too.

He licked his lips, hesitating. “And I know I owe you an apology.”

“For?”