Page 37 of A Sea of Unspoken Things

What would I tell him? That I was beginning to think I was being haunted by my brother? That I’d come to the gorge with the disturbing hope of somehow communicating with him? I knew how it sounded. The last thing I needed was for Micah to think I was losing my mind.

He didn’t argue or press, instead taking something from the chest pocket of his jacket. It took a moment for me to realize what it was. He held a joint up in the air with a question in his eyes. An involuntary smile broke on my lips before I nodded, and he grinned, fumbling with a lighter until its end was aglow. He took a steady dragbefore he leaned back over the fire, offering it to me, and I sat up, taking it between my fingers.

The sweet, potent smell of the weed was another one of those things that reminded me of before. Skipping class with Micah or coming home to him and Johnny smoking out at the fire pit was synonymous with those nights in the parking lot of The Penny with Olivia or the weekends at the swimming hole.

I set the joint on my lips and inhaled the smoke, letting the taste swirl in my mouth and down my throat, into my chest. It burned before it began to numb the ache that lived there. After I exhaled, I took another to chase down that dull stupor.

I passed it back to him, watching the flick of the flames between us. It only took a few minutes for the erratic jolt of the fire to slow in my vision, mimicking the movement of water. I sank into that feeling, burrowing down into the blanket until it covered my chin.

The joint glowed bright between Micah’s fingers as he took another drag. Once the smoke had left his lips, he let his head fall back to rest against the stone wall.

“You still have it,” he said.

I blinked slowly, his words taking their time to land.

“That thing with Johnny. It’s still there, isn’t it?”

I let my eyes run over his face, the shock I felt not fully taking shape through the high. “What thing with Johnny?”

“Are you really going to act like you don’t know what I’m talking about?”

“I didn’t know you knew about that,” I said, throat tight.

“I watched you almost drown that day, James.”

The memory came flooding back again, rushing ahead of my sluggish thoughts. Johnny up on those cliffs. The way my heart had nearly stopped. That falling feeling that pulled me under the water.

“And that wasn’t the only time. I was around you guys long enough to see it. Even if you didn’t want to tell me.” His eyes were on the fire now.

I hadn’t ever considered whether Micah had really thought aboutwhat he’d seen that day. I hadn’t even figured it out myself for a while after. Once I did, the strange link between me and Johnny wasn’t something I’d talked to anyone about. Not even Johnny.

“You could have, you know,” Micah said.

“Could have what?”

“Told me.”

I exhaled, shivering beneath the blanket. There was a part of me that knew that. There was almost nothing I felt like I couldn’t tell Micah back then, but in the end, it was that very secret that had made me leave.

“I can still feel it,” I said. “I can still feel that connection between us. Like it’s not gone.”

“He’s a part of you, James. Maybe it won’t ever feel that way.”

“That’s not what I mean.” I shook my head. “This is different. It’s worse since I got back. Like I’m somehow tapping into his mind. His memories. I can hear him sometimes. The other day, I thought I…” I didn’t finish. “What do you think that means?” I breathed, the fragrance of the weed still potent around me.

The calm that had settled in me moments ago dissipated just a little. I was suddenly desperate for him to put words to this. To validate this inexplicable, unquantifiable feeling I’d had since we were kids.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you believe in anything?” I asked. “Like about what happens when we die?”

His head lifted back up so he could look at me. “What?”

“Seriously, what do you think happens?” It was almost all I’d thought about since Johnny died, but I couldn’t remember the three of us ever talking about it. I had no idea what Johnny had really believed.

Micah took his time in answering, putting together the words with care before he spoke. “I mean, I guess I’ve always felt like it makes the most sense that we would just…become a part of everything else,you know?” He waved a hand at the surrounding darkness, where the sound of the rain and wind still swelled. “This can’t just all be for nothing, right?”

Those words unearthed ones that Johnny had once spoken to me.