Page 20 of Fight
Only until you showed up. See how disappointed he looks?
Her gaze lifts from her phone to see Matt’s furrowed brow as he double-checks his cards for the fourth time. Dude has the worst tell. She laughs across the table and tries to cover it with a cough, shoving her phone into her pocket.
Picnic tonight it is.
The shower slowly fills with steam. Am I really going through with this?Butterflies swarm my stomach. Maybe he wasn’t even serious. It’s not like we made any concrete plans. I agreed tolater. I’m not sure what that even means. Later could mean tonight, a week from now, or on my seventy-fifth birthday.
If it is tonight, then I have a new problem to solve:Is a picnic just a picnic?Or is it more? If it’s more, then what? Another decision.
Here’s what I know:I want to feel alive. Desired, independent, spontaneous.Is it selfish to want those things? This is part of the new me. I can sleep with other men now. Sleep with them just for the hell of it.
“New beginnings come with growing pains.”
Stepping under the shower spray, I squeeze a small amount of shampoo into my palm and massage it into my hair and recall the days of listening to endless sermons that became more and more confusing as I grew older. I would study the faces in the congregation for any sign they felt the same way I did. They didn’t.
I envied every stranger on the outside, wondered what their lives were like and how desperately I wanted to trade with them. If only for a day. Everyone has their own struggles, and I understood there’s no way of knowing whether the grass was greener, but the monotony was going to kill me either way, so at least I’d have a change of scenery.
One impulsive night at a fire camp could never outweigh the shame of my years spent in The Fold. So what am I afraid of?
I rinse out the shampoo and add conditioner. Then suds up my legs and get started on shaving. What is sex like when it happens organically, by choice? Doubt creeps into my mind. Perhaps I should have done this with a stranger… What if it’s nothing like what I know? No, that can’t be true. It’s the same concept. I can follow his lead. Hell, tonight could simply be a picnic and I’m getting all keyed up over eating a damn bag of popcorn.
I roll my eyes at myself.Stop overthinking.
After drying off, I flip my head upside down and use the hand dryers on the wall to dry my hair while I work through some tangles. It doesn't dry completely, but it’s close enough. Brushing my teeth feels amazing, but it always does when I have cold water to rinse with. Then I stand in front of the mirror and lay out my drugstore eyeshadow, blush, and mascara, then swipe on the products. My application has improved and gotten faster over the few weeks I’ve started wearing it.
I check my phone to see he hasn’t texted me yet.Does he still want to get together?I shrug. I’ll feel silly if I just put on makeup for nothing. We finished eating dinner about an hour ago. I sat with Matt at a different table but caught Callahan glancing at me on more than one occasion, and I like the way he looks at me.
Back in my room, I pull out my paperback and attempt to read, but every few paragraphs, I have to start over because I getdistracted. There’re so many people around. Even with my door shut, it’s too loud.
I grab my backpack and fill it with some of my winnings from the poker game. I came out ahead, which means my junk food cache is flush with snacks. Beginner’s luck. Cal kept his word and took the caramel corn. Next, I stuff my training manual and the fiction novel I was reading inside, zip it up, and throw it over my shoulder.
I knock on Matt’s door.
“Come in!” he hollers.
“Hey, do you mind if I get the keys for the rig?”
He nods and rolls to his side to reach his jacket, where he feels around in the pockets until he finds them. “Something you need?”
He tosses the keys in my direction, and I catch them out of the air. “Just wanted to read a little bit. And maybe go through the handbook. In peace.”
“Yeah, I hear ya. These guys can be loud as hell.” His words are punctuated by some boisterous laughter below. “Did you want me to go through any of the exercises with you?”
I shake my head. “Nah, I’m good. But I’ll text you if I run into any questions.” I lift my hand holding the keys. “Thanks again.”
“No prob.” I leave, and he shouts after me. “Don’t work too hard!”
“I won’t!”
At first it was chilly in the ambulance, but the temperature in the back has warmed enough for me to pull off my sweatshirt and setit aside. It’s been forty minutes with no messages from Callahan, but I’m not disappointed in the least. I’ve been savoring the solitude. Being around that many people in a small space reminds me of back home. While the hotshots have been the most entertainment I’ve had in a while, it’s nice to have a couple hours of quiet. Thunder rolls in the distance, and raindrops spatter on the ambulance roof. It’s comforting. The ambient sounds help me escape into the well-worn pages of my book.
My phone buzzes. One or two butterflies take flight in my stomach—as they tend to do when I finally get a text notification from him.
Callahan
Are you awake?
Yes.