Page 81 of Fight

“Everyone on the crew is tight, we have to be, but those two are the closest I’ll ever get to real brothers.”

She tucks her head against my chest and breathes deep. “Tell me about them.”

“Where do I start?” I chuckle. “We’ve been through everything together, walked through fire together. King—his actual name is Rowan Kingsley, he grew up in Sky Ridge. He wasinvolved with rugby in high school, played varsity, and is really connected with the town.”

“Did you play any sports?”

“Nah, I was more of an outdoor junkie. I spent my summers fishing the lakes, rafting the rivers, and hiking in the mountains. In the winter, I was on the slopes skiing or snowboarding. But King and I came up as rookies together when we joined the shots.”

“What about Xander? When did you guys meet?”

“Xander is from Michigan, so he moved out here to be a shot. He’s got a great sense of humor and a good heart. His dad was also a hotshot.”

“Wait, with the same hotshot crew?”

“Yeah.” My throat clears. “His dad, Garrett, was our superintendent up until five years ago when he died on the job.”

She nuzzles into me. “I’m sorry.”

“It was bad, really bad. Garrett died in the middle of the season, and then we lost Jacob toward the end of it. Fuck, that was an ugly year… Jacob was basically our brother, and Garrett was like a dad to a lot of us, his death was a huge loss for everyone, but Xander took the biggest hit losing his father. He carries it every day. It’s horrible to watch someone you care about hurting without a way to fix it.” I pause to collect my thoughts. It’s not something I talk about with people who don’t understand, but after hearing about Scottie’s upbringing, I want to open up to her about my life too. And it’s something she needs to know about if we’re going to move forward.

“Xander was never the same after his dad died. I blame myself for a lot of that. Logically, I understand it doesn’t make sense, but that’s just the way it is.”

She doesn’t interrupt or try to convince me otherwise, she just lets me speak.

“This job is hard. There are pieces of me that are broken, and they can’t be repaired. Sometimes it feels like my life’s beensplit into all these fragments. The hazardous work and dangerous terrain… falling back into safety zones, always being a couple bad decisions away from the worst, the near misses and close calls, watching friends die.”

Her soft scratches turn to gentle caresses as she listens.

“My head is constantly on a swivel. There’s an underlying agitation that follows me around. Sometimes, I have panic attacks, or get lost in my thoughts, or appear distracted. It’s not intentional, it just happens. Loud noises, trees falling when I don’t expect it, that sort of thing tend to set me off.”

She squeezes me tight. “Well, it’s a good thing you don’t have a job where you’re around any of those things.”

I chuckle. “Right?”

She doesn't laugh with me. “Really, though, have you ever thought about talking to someone about it?”

I shrug. “Yeah, I’ve received a diagnosis for C-PTSD, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, but it’s one of those things that won’t ever go away, so it’s hard to justify the cost and time.”

She nods against my chest. “But you don’t think it would be worth it to try? It affects your quality of life, Cal.”

“There are some things I’ll never be able to let go of, no matter how much I want to, so dredging them up is exhausting. Not only for me, but the people around me. I tried before, and it wasn’t long after that Molly and I started having major problems. I’ve been hesitant to get involved with anyone seriously since then, until you… I don’t want to put you through that.”

She retreats and tilts her head up to look at me. “Don’t you think that’s a decision you should let me make?”

I pull her closer. “Of course, but people don’t always know how to react when I lose myself or freeze up… There are days when it feels like there’s no one inside my body.”

She has no idea how difficult it is for me to even discuss this with her. I’m in uncharted territory. My mind is screaming tolock it all down and enjoy the night, return to light conversation topics like music and books, the easy stuff—like I did with Molly. I take a deep breath.

“And you’re right, this is your decision… It’s a big ask, but I’m still asking.”

Her fingers pause, and she stares up at me, searching my eyes. “What are you asking me?”

“I’m asking you to stay anyway.”

The silence between us is heavy, and my lungs burn with a trapped breath while I wait for her response.

“I want to…”