Page 54 of Loving Jemima
“What?” Ellie said, opening her eyes sleepily.
“Nothing,” said Jem. “Nothing. Do you want to shower first?”
“No, go ahead.” Ellie looked at her and Jem wanted to kiss her so badly she could taste it. For a long minute they just looked at each other until Ellie smiled a little and turned away. “Do you need to borrow some clothes?”
“Nah, I’ll stop by my place before I come into the office,” Jem said, swinging her feet over the bed. The bedroom was cute, almost like a tent in its smallness. And she’d slept surprisingly well, though she hadn’t been sure she’d be able to with Ellie so close to her. In the end, they’d slept barely touching but it had been enough to comfort Jem in a way she didn’t know she needed comforting.
“Are you sure that isn’t mold?” she said when she came out of the bathroom.
Ellie sighed and plated up the eggs she’d made. “It might be, I suppose.”
“Do you make eggs for all your overnight visitors?” Jem teased, sitting down at the tiny bar between the kitchen andliving room.
“We were drinking, we have a long day, eggs seemed like a good idea,” Ellie said primly. Then she looked away, putting the pan in the sink. “And there haven’t been any. Just for info.”
“Any what?” asked Jem, blowing on a forkful of eggs.
“Overnight visitors. There haven’t been any.”
Jem suddenly felt proud for reasons she couldn’t fathom. And slightly touched. “No one else has ever slept here?”
“We barely slept here,” Ellie said, standing up to eat her own breakfast.
“And yet I feel full of life and raring to go. Don’t you? Come on, El, admit it, you had a good time last night.”
Ellie smiled and Jem’s heart threatened to explode again. “Alright, yes, I did. But that doesn’t mean that I can live like that every night.”
The room seemed a little darker. “Right, it was just one night. I remember.”
With a sigh, Ellie put her plate down. “Jem, I like you. God knows why, but I do. I’m not going to deny that there’s an attraction there, I’m not going to deny that under different circumstances I’d be willing to… to, I don’t know, to get to know you better, I suppose.”
“Then why not?” Jem said, putting down her fork. “Why not, Ellie? We’re both adults here, we’re both attracted to each other.”
Ellie’s eyes softened and she shook her head. “Not like this. I won’t be anyone’s secret.”
“I’m not saying we’d be secret forever,” Jem said. “But why create a fuss when we don’t even know where this is going. We could be terribly mismatched.”
“We are terribly mismatched,” Ellie said.
“You know what I mean. This could all end in disaster. Why don’t we just… have a trial period, see how things go.”
“And then you’ll tell your family if I happen to live up to expectations?” Ellie snapped.
Jem closed her eyes, took a breath, and swallowed. “That’s not how I meant it.”
“But it’s how it would be,” Ellie said gently. She took a step forward and leaned her elbows on the bar so that her face was closer to Jem’s. “I understand, Jem, I really do. And I’m not giving you an ultimatum here.”
“That’s what it sounds like.”
“Well, I’m not. But, here’s the thing. I’ve worked long and hard in my life to be myself. It’s not always been easy. I’ve come out so many times over the years and sometimes it ends badly, I’m not going to lie. But I didn’t do all that work just so that I could jump back into the closet with someone, even with you, Jem.”
“So it is an ultimatum. If I want to be with you in any fashion, I have to come out to my family.” Her stomach flipped at the thought of it. It seemed so unfair and yet so fair all at the same time.
“I suppose,” Ellie said. She shook her head sadly. “I hate this as much as you do, Jem. I swear I do. The only thing that I can tell you is that I really do like you, I really am attracted to you, but there are rules that I won’t break, and this is one of mine.”
“Rules, rules,” Jem said. “It’s always about the rules.”
“Life is about rules. It’s about obeying them, making them, punishment for breaking them. If we didn’t have rules, we’d have chaos.”