Page 72 of Loving Jemima

She closed her eyes and laid her head back against the seat. “He offered me a choice.”

“What kind of choice?”

She kept her eyes tight closed. “I could carry on as I wanted, but I would be cut off. Or I could…” She had to swallow. “I could break up with Ellie and leave the city for a while, keep everything, and be more discreet when I came back. Basically live the life I’ve had up until now.”

“Oh, Jem,” Rolly said. “I’m so sorry. My spare room is yours, obviously, we’ll get your things packed up immediately and have them moved over.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Jem said, eyes still closed.

There was silence. A long silence. Until she heard Rolly pick up his glass and swallow. When he finally spoke, his voice was higher and tighter.

“Surely, you didn’t…”

“I did what I had to do.”

“Jem, you didn’t…”

Her eyes flashed open and she sat up straight. “You weren’t there. I did what I had to do.”

“But…” Rolly’s face was pale and his eyes were wide. “But I thought you loved her?”

It hurt more than she could possibly say, in a visceral, barbaric kind of way, like having her insides ripped out through a hole in her stomach. “She got to keep her job.”

“What?” asked Rolly, still pale.

“She got to keep her job,” Jem repeated. “That was the deal thatI made. We both get to keep everything except each other, which since having each other was the problem in the first place seems rather fair, doesn’t it?”

“I don’t understand,” said Rolly.

Jem picked up her glass and drained it in one. “I destroyed both our lives by opening my big mouth in front of Jasper. This way I get to undo all that. I’ll go back to the life I had before, and what was so wrong with that? And Ellie will get to keep the contract for the party. Her business will be a success, she won’t suffer at all for what I’ve done.”

“She won’t suffer?” Rolly said. “You think she’s not suffering right now? I assume you’ve already told her.”

“Suffering is a part of life, it’s the price you pay for winning, at least according to my father.”

“Who is absolutely to be relied upon for advice in matters of the heart,” Rolly said acidly.

“Rolly, please. I’m trying to do the right thing here. I know it doesn’t look good, but it was the best choice that I had. I know it’s not what you wanted me to do, and it’s probably not what Ellie wanted me to do, and it’s not what would happen in some stupid saccharine movie. I know I’m supposed to give up everything for her.”

“But you didn’t.”

“I would,” Jem said, closing her eyes again. “I would. I’d give it all up for her. But she shouldn’t have to give up her business for me. I did the right thing. The pain is temporary. And we’ll both get to go back to our normal lives.”

“You did the cowardly thing,” Rolly said simply. “You’re afraid, afraid of being yourself, afraid that your self is so tied up in your name and your wealth and your status that you’d lose yourself without those things. So when faced with a choice, you took the easy way out.”

“The easy way?” She opened her eyes. “You think this is the easy way?”

Rolly drank his drink. “I think this is the path of least resistance. I think this is the way that lets you keep your secrets,lets you go back to a life that you think is safe. But I think you’re in for a nasty surprise.”

“Nastier than having my brother call me a deviant?”

Rolly nodded and his eyes were sad. “I think you’re going to find out that you can’t go back. That you can’t unsay things, undo them, that you’ve changed, Jem, and your old life just won’t be enough anymore.”

“Fine,” Jem said. “Fine, if that’s the way it has to be. But Ellie will be alright. She’ll do the party, she’ll get a reputation, she’ll play by the rules like she always does and she’ll find the success that she’s worked so hard for.”

“If that’s what she wants.”

“It’s what she deserves.” Jem took a breath. “And maybe you’re right, I’m a coward. But I don’t know how to be anything else, Rolly. I really don’t.”