Page 31 of Your Rule to Break

After some lukewarm goodbyes, I hold Emilie’s hand as we walk to the car.

“That actually could’ve been worse,” she says, eyes fixed on the sidewalk in front of us. “I mean, I know it wasn’t great, but I’ve definitely had worse interactions with them.” Her words fall out of her mouth, quick and a little breathless. Maybe this is for her benefit, like she’s trying to convince herself?

Before I open the car door, I stop and turn toward her.

“What’s the matter?” Concern etches her soft cheeks and golden eyes.

I scoff. “Are you okay?”

“That actually wasn’t that bad. I mean—” She starts down a path which probably ends at some sort of excuse or reasoning. But before she gets too far, I quickly pull her to me. My arms wrap around her mid-back and squeeze. I breathe her in, vanilla, when I tip down and put my head on her shoulder.

When she hugs me back, I feel her exhale. She leans in, holds onto me, and my heart cracks a little.

“You deserve better than that. Whatever the fuck that was.”

I feel her take a breath, her front flush to mine.

“Thank you.”

When she doesn’t let go, I keep holding on, trying to make up for all the times she’s been cast aside, not valued.

Who knows if there’s enough time to make up for all those other ones, but damn it, I’m going to try.

Chapter 18

Emilie

I’d be lying ifI hadn’t been thinking about Zack much more than one should when it comes to a fake boyfriend. It was the way he went to bat for me with my family and did it without question or issue. He treated me with such kindness; not that he hasn’t before, but this was different.

It was the way he told me about the best first date I’ve never been on. He had a story lined up, quick and convincing. If he’d asked me out on that date, it would’ve been hard to say no.

Plus, Zack can hold his own with them. I know enough that his family is probably lovely; full of love and adoration for one another, instead of the transactional relationship I'm used to. Part of me is embarrassed he knows where I came from.

I feel like Zack has seen a lot of me, but the part that’s reserved for the energy my family takes is different. Obviously, I love them. But they require significant boundaries. It’s not like one day something changed and I was then second best. Over time, I became too vocal, too loud, and wanted to do things other than what they’d planned. All the while, Eliza never told them no. She fit into the perfect mold they dreamed up for a daughter. There’s not much room for the woman who still wants to hold hands with her family at twenty-five.

For fuck’s sake, she got them to up and move to New York—my dad’s practice and all—for a college she ended up dropping out of. The real kicker? They talk about Eliza’s NYU acceptance like it’s this massive accomplishment.

Eliza is smarter than she lets on and that infuriates me. We’ve never been close as adults. One day she was my kid sister, who needed help cutting the tops off her strawberries and mixing the milk and butter for the Mac and cheese after school. Then in the next moment, she was her own human who didn’t need me anymore.

I’ve not shut the door on us having a better relationship, but her marrying Mitch will always be something that stings.

Mitch. God. He is two years older than me and stuck his hooks in when I was a junior in high school. He went to our rival high school and loved to come around with his buddies to work up whoever he could. We didn’t date until I was a senior—I was the girl with the college boyfriend, probably another reason my so-called-friends flocked to me. He had all the connections for the things we were too young for.

Things seemed fine until I was in my fourth year of college. I was living in a house off-campus; really it was a glorified closet, but rent was the cheapest I could find and I got along with everyone. I felt safe.

Mitch hated where I lived. He’d drive over in his shiny silver BMW, and talk down to me and everyone else, like he knew better. He especially didn’t like that other guys lived in this house, not that I’d ever done anything to make him question my loyalty. This was also the year that Mitch got the internship with my dad’s firm, and that’s when I knew it was over.

He had signed up for a life I for sure didn’t want. I’d seen it play out. My parents arguing, loud and aggressive, until one day there was no more arguing. They move around each other like two acquaintances out in public—smiles that are kind enough and minimal conversation.

I wanted someone who loved me, and I always wondered if Mitch was dating me to get close to my dad but chalked that up to watching too many movies. And really, the question I should’ve asked was maybe he was trying to get close to my sister.

I’ll never forget that Thanksgiving. It was the last one we had in my family home, before they sold it and moved to New York. I thought I was going to be stuck at my internship, but when I still had time to make dinner, I thought I’d surprise my family.

Mitch and I had broken up six months before. It was my decision, and for a while he kept in touch, acting like nothing had changed. He told me that I’d make a mistake and I’d be crawling back before I knew it.

I walk up to the door of my childhood home, excitement seeping into my bones. It’d been too long since I’d been home last, work and classes getting in the way. Iturned twenty-one a month ago, and my parents sent flowers and a bottle of champagne—not able to make the trip to see me.

None of that mattered, because I was going to be able to spend one of my favorite days with my family. They were never the warmest of parents, but something about the holidays seemed to thaw them a bit.