Page 76 of Your Rule to Break

Well, fuck. Poor Eliza.

“What else do you feel?”

She rubs her chest, the skin flushed and red. “Like I can’t breathe. Like my lungs are made of cement and can’t move. They’re heavy. Something is wrong with me. I’m sick or something. I’m dying. I’m going to die before I can get married.” The panic gets stronger with each word.

I pull her into me and wrap my arms around her as tight as I can. She’s having a panic attack.

“Eliza, listen to me. You’re not dying. It feels like you’re dying, but you’re not. You’re breathing. Your heart is beating.” She cries into me, almost hyperventilating. “Breathe in, slowly. It’s hard but you have to try.”

I give her a few seconds to get her breathing under control.

“You’re having a panic attack. I get them too, and they do make you feel like you’re dying. But your brain is tricking you.” She goes almost slack around me. I sit back so I can see her face.

“Put your hand on your heart.” I place Eliza’s hand on her chest. “Feel that? Heart beating. Blood pumping. You’re not dying. Now, try to slow your breathing; you’ll feel your heartbeat change.”

My little sister is almost gripping her chest but she does what I say. The panic drips off a little with each breath. I can see her coming back to herself.

“Do you want to tell me what you’re seeing? Or will that make this worse?”

“No, I want to tell someone. I didn’t know how to tell Mitch.” She takes a breath. “It’s like the plane is crashing and I’m on it. A plane crashing into the resort. A tsunami wave hitting us, my family and friends, watching people drown, not being able to save them. And then it’s things like, what would it be like to touch my curling iron? Wrap my fingers around it?” Her eyes move to the floor.

My heart hurts for her. I’m not a professional but I think I know exactly what this is.

“Did something happen to set this off?”

She wipes the back of her eyes with her hands, “The wedding has been stressful. But I expected it. I don’t know what it is, but Mom and Dadare just treating me like… I’m not enough. Like if I don’t follow exactly what they think I should do, it’s wrong. They’re treating me like I’m…”

“Me.” I finish her sentence.

Eliza doesn’t correct me but does keep going.

“And some of my friends, if you can call them that, aren’t any better. They talk bad about Mitch. They have nothing good to say ever. And the amount of questions they’ve asked about you, or Zack, or how you know Willow. Their motives couldn’t be more apparent.”

“Do you want to marry Mitch?”

“Yes. No questions asked.”

“Then do it. That’s what this is all about. Marry Mitch and try to do it your way, but know that at the end of the day, that’s what counts. As far as your friends, sometimes you have to let people go, no matter how long they’ve been around. Then you’ll have room for people who care.”

“What about Mom and Dad?”

I let out a loud laugh. It bounces off the walls and the closed door. Throwing a hand over my mouth, I keep laughing but it’s not nearly as offensive.

“I’m sorry. I don’t have any advice, except learning about yourself and setting boundaries. I’m still working on it, and I see a therapist specifically for Mom and Dad.”

Eliza laughs at me, and it’s nice to see her do that, even if the tears are still fresh on her face.

“As far as what you’re seeing, the thoughts? You need to see a doctor. It sounds like intrusive thoughts, a type of OCD, which I have. It’s scary, but learning how to cope is a game changer.”

Eliza and I sit on the floor in the bathroom, and I tell her about my thoughts; about all the wild things that have run through my brain, brought me to my knees on occasion. I tell her about some of the thingsI do that help. I even tell her about the night with Zack, what happened, how he took care of me.

“You know, when he first came up to Mitch and me at that event, I thought you guys were lying. Like, not actually dating. But I was wrong.”

She’s not the only one.

I keep thinking about how we’re in this gray area. We want each other but it’s still kind of tainted with the fake premise we started with. I want something new and fresh. Something that makes Zack mine.

I look at the time and see that hours have gone by. I get Eliza in her pajamas and go get Mitch from the balcony. I give him the thirty-second version, just so he can help her in the short term.