Page 19 of So Long, Honey

“I’m just saying.” She shrugged. “You should talk to him,” she told me after the silence seeped between us. “He might surprise you.”

I nodded and looked up at the stars. ‘Starlight’ his voice hummed in the back of my mind.

Please don’t break my heart, Ryan Cody.

FIELD

Isat at my desk the next afternoon, writing a letter to Ryan that explained why I couldn’t tutor him any longer. It hadn’t been an easy conclusion to come to, but after laying in bed staring at the ceiling all night, I realized I couldn’t let him plague me like that.

Whether or not he was truthful or lying, I shouldn't be tangled up so tight by a boy who had bulldozed into my life with only a month left of school. I had plans to graduate, to move away, to experience life without the fears of my mother and the nagging of my father…somewhere far from the sounds of hospital beeping and feelings of needles poking my skin.

I couldn’t let a boy destroy my hope of freedom, not when I had come so far.

I had also re-written the letter four times, but none of the words came out properly. I hadn’t even gone to school today, avoiding him properly the best I could until I figured out how to tell him.

I was surprised he hadn’t shown up yet, banging on my door for answers. That seemed like the thing Ryan would do most. SoI sat silently, trying to figure out exactly how to tell him all my feelings. Considering we weren’t even…anything to one another, it seemed stupid.I can no longer continue to assist Mr. Cody in his tutoring.

That sounded cold.

I have simply too much preparation to do for my exams and my school work, so I will no longer be able to help Ryan.

That sounded insensitive.

I hate that everyone stares at me when he’s around, and there’s never anywhere to hide.

I’m a massive coward.

There had been too many times before when everyone whispered, wanting to know why I had missed so much school and where I had gone. Mostly, the rumors were that I had gotten pregnant, and they sent me to a convent to purge me of my sins and have the baby in private. That one was hilarious.

But the rumors were just that, rumors.

Ihadbeen sick. They found a tumor in my lung.

But radiation was enough for me to go into remission and return to school after a month of recovery at home. Not to mention the multiple arguments between my parents over whether or not I should go back. Mom had wanted me to stay home, to finish my senior year from my bed…my cage. Dad suggested I go back, that the rumors of my absence had started to affect his re-election.

So I went back to school, and they went back to ignoring me.

But Ryan complicated everything. Tutoring him was one thing, having a crush on a boy like him… It was messy, to begin with, stupid. Even admitting that I had inklings of those feelings felt dangerous, but I couldn’t help myself. Every time he smiled at me, I forgot about the tumor, I forgot about the hospitals and the fighting. I forgot that there was a chance everything came crashing back down.

Ryan made me feel high, and it was terrifying.

So I had to stop tutoring him. I needed to stop seeing him because if this was a game to him- I set the pen down and sighed, staring at the botched letters as my stomach grumbled.

I tried several times, but nothing came out, so I pushed the papers aside and wandered downstairs. I ate a bowl of pasta on the island alone because Mom and Dad were out of town being friendly with the Governor or something. I didn’t really care.

The quiet was peaceful, giving me time to think through my decision and cement my reasoning for not entertaining this tutoring deal any longer. The school could get mad if they wanted, but ultimately, no one could force me to continue helping Ryan. He was practically halfway through his assignments anyway, so it’s not like it mattered.

He didn’t need me to help him at all. He just wanted to draw attention to himself.

I cleaned up my mess and grabbed a glass of water before making my way back to my room. I was trying to decide which movie to watch when I noticed a shadow moving under my closed door.

Someone was in my room…

I pressed my ear to the wood, scared it might be an intruder, but sighed when I heard his soft mumbling. I opened the door to him in time to see him crumble to the floor at the end of my bed.

“Ryan?” I said when he didn’t look up from his hands. “How did you get in my room?” I asked him. His dark blue t-shirt was ripped around the collar, his arms wrapped around his torso, and his legs stretched across my carpet. I would get yelled at later for the streaks of mud his cowboy boots left.

“I climbed up,” he grumbled, still not looking at me.