Page 28 of So Long, Honey

“Ryan,” I said to him, my voice pulling his attention back. His eyes are so big and hopeful that it nearly breaks my heart. Suddenly, the world doesn’t feel so big again, it’s back to just us, and I feel safe enough for a split second to say something stupid. “Soup won’t fix this.”

“Soup can fix anything,” he said, not quite catching on to the severe tone of my voice.

“No…” I said. I turned to look at him and almost lied, telling him it was just a headache or something that didn’t feel so daunting in my mind. His brows scrunched together in confusion, waiting for more and clearly concerned.

“Last year, I was gone for a while,” I mumbled, unable to find my voice.

Ryan closed the space between us. “You’re making me nervous, Starlight,” he said.

“Will you sit, please.” I pleaded with him when he froze, watching me.

“I remember, notyouexactly,” he said with a sad voice and lowered to the steps beside me, “but everyone talking about the mayor's daughter just beinggone.”

“I was diagnosed with leukemia, Ryan.” I said to him, “I went away because I had to spend five days in a hospital for radiation…” I trailed off, trying not to cry. Everything surrounding that year felt like someone settling weights on my chest, piling and piling until I couldn’t bear it any longer. “I was a mess, dizzy, sick all the time.”

“Dizzy like today?” Ryan sat forward, his jaw tight like he was assembling the messed up puzzle of my life with half the pieces missing.

“I’m in remission, it—” I tried to explain to him without causing more panic but that was pointless as he had already gone over the edge.

“So the cancer is gone?” His voice was brimming with hope, and it broke my heart as his fingers tangled with mine and rested them on his lap. I wanted to tell him yes, that it was gone, that I was cured, but I couldn’t lie to him. Not after how honest he had been all day, not with how scared he looked now.

“No, well, sort of…” I said quietly, “There’s no cure for it, just treatment and prayers.” I scowled at the last bit. I could see him processing the information slower than I would have wished, buthe wasn’t flipping out. It was a decent start. He was now part of theLorraine might be dying club. If only it counted toward community service hours, it might help him get into college.

The part I hated the most about when my parents found out was the look on their faces. Never once had I seen compassion or fear from them, but in that moment, it was all they showed. It was like feeling sorry would make it all better.

“That must have been terrifying,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s life, Ryan,” I said quietly. “Bad things happen to good people.”

“Nothing bad should ever happen to you.” Ryan shook his head, arguing a simple fact of life like he could change the saying. He was quiet for a long time, probably unsure of what to say to me, and understandably so. The girl he supposedly loved had just told him she was diagnosed with a cancer that could rear its ugly head whenever it felt like it.

“The radiation did its job, and when I got the chance to come home, I wanted to go right back to school, but my parents argued over it for a long time, so I spent some time here, alone until I was strong enough to go back to school but by then…”

“Everyone had told just about every nasty rumor they could think of, " he finished for me with a subtle nod. “You did all of that by yourself?” His comment caught me off guard. I had expected more piling about the leukemia or the treatment, but he was asking aboutme.

“My parents were around,” I said.

“Like they were today?” He countered, and he was right. Even in the city, Dad was always in meetings, and Mom would show up for a few minutes every morning to bring me fresh flowers, homework, and clean pajamas. But it had been mostly spent alone.

“There was this nice nurse, Kelly. She had this laugh that got high-pitched when I made a really funny joke,” I said to him,but Ryan didn’t laugh. He barely smiled. “I’m alright now. We do tests to check every six months, and today was the first time I’d gotten dizzy. I'm sure it was just because I hadn’t eaten in a while. My appetite is still a little wonky from everything.” I said, aware of my rambling but nervous that he would get scared or leave.

He was only seventeen, after all. My parents had handled all the news worse.

“I thought cancer was supposed to make all your hair fall out?” He reached forward and brushed his fingers over a strand of my hair.

“It’s a wig,” I said to him. “I have a few. They were presents from my mom to make me feel morenormal.”

Ryan stared at the strand between his fingers, “it feels so real,” he whispered.

“It should. They were a lot of money. I get told once a week.” I said. “My hair is coming back, but…”

“Show me,” he blurted, but it was soft and whispery in the warm air.

“I don’t—” I chewed on my lip. I barely ever left my room without them on. When Mom had first given me one, I had been angry, pissed off that she was trying to cover up the sickness, but over time, they had become a safety blanket for me. I couldn’t imagine how the kids would look at me at school if they had seen my patchy growth months ago.

“Rae, I’m not going to find you less beautiful without some hair,” he smiled at me with encouragement in his eyes.

He said that now…