Page 43 of So Long, Honey

“I couldn’t go to the game; there are too many people and a higher risk of worse infection,” I explained, but his brows crinkled, and he shook his head no at me.

“No, no…I couldn’t find you in the sky, and I know how ridiculous that sounds, but when I looked up, I couldn’t find you.” He reiterated with a heavy tone. “I hated it. You areliterally the light I look for, and the past few days,… not knowing what was happening. I couldn’t bear it, Rae. You gotta…” He stopped again, struggling to get it out.

Ryan’s hands began to shake, and he could barely look at me anymore, tears welling in those striking green eyes without his permission as he chewed at his bottom lip. I reached out the moment he sank to his knees, his body heaving in upset with his palms flat against the porch. I crouched next to him, pulling him with what little strength I had until he was pressed against my chest, and we were nothing but a tight, tangled mess of each other.

His hat came loose in the contact and clattered to the ground as I raked my fingers into his hair and brushed them down against his wet cheek. His hands were tight against my back, fingers spread wide and pressed into my skin as if he was in threat of being blown away.

Ryan stiffened, his forehead resting against my shoulder. “You have to tell me everything. You can’t just leave…” He said up a little and cupped my face in his calloused hands. “I want to help, and I know that I don’t have any idea what you’re up against, but I don’t want you to go in it alone, so just…” he pressed our foreheads together. “You have to promise me that you won’t do it alone.”

I wasn’t even sure that was a promise I could make; we were seventeen years old and I was a ticking time bomb. Part of my hesitation was rooted firmly in Ryan’s reaction to a simple cold: if anything worse were to happen… How could I promise him that I wouldn’t do it alone? I didn’t want to share my suffering or pain with him. I wanted to protect him from that. To shield him from all of the bad in my life, he carried enough of his own around on his shoulders. And here he was on his knees, begging to take more.

“You have a future, Ryan,” I whispered to him.

“Not without you, I don’t,” his answer was instant. “Stop trying to figure out how to push me away. I’m not leaving, Rae. Sick, healthy.” He squeezed his hands tighter around my face. “You’re mine, I’m yours.”

“You can’t ruin your dreams for some sick girl who might not see her eighteenth birthday, Ryan. I won’t let you.” I covered his hands with my own and pressed down.

“You’re so cold,” he whispered, the pain on his face evident as he struggled to gain control of his racing heart and strung-out emotions. “And I’m not ruining my dreams. You’re a part of them now. I’m going to be a star, just like you.” He kissed my nose. “And we’re going to get out of this town and celebrate every birthday like it’s your last. I’m going to buy you a stupid trinket every year. We’re going to have six kids.” He said with a smile.

“Ryan!” A small, defeated laugh fell from me, and he pouted at my protest. “Let’s start with one,” I chewed my bottom lip and scrunched my nose up at him. I couldn’t help but give into his whims, hislove.

“With your eyes and smile,” he nipped at my nose with his teeth before kissing my cheek and then the corner of my mouth and jaw. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

EPILOGUE

2022

The path down the lookout had grown over, and the weeds tangled together with the roots under the soles of my boots. Kids didn’t appreciate make-out spots like they used to. I sighed, tugging out my cell phone, and used the flash to light my way.

“There you are,” I muttered to no one but the cool air and restless wildlife. I inhaled slowly, my lungs never really filling with air. I was drowning on dry land. I was not sure I was ready for the walk ahead of me, but I knew I had to take it for the both of us. Each step up the steep path felt like my heart was shattering again.

We had known a day like today would come.

We always had.

The selfish idiot in me wanted more time.

It felt like there had never been enough hours in the day to love her.

But I couldn’t control the time passing, and the things I could control I let slip through my fingers in a grief-filled blindness that threatened to ruin everything she worked so hard to giveme. I stopped just before the opening, pressing my hand to a tree to steady myself, my eyes already welling with tears, my chest heaving with exhaustion, my throat dry and sticky with guilt. I bit down on my tongue just to feel something other than the swallowing sensation of overwhelming loneliness. I closed my eyes, hearing her laugh in the back of my mind, remembering how nervous she had been the first time I had shown her my spot. How tiny her body felt against mine as she tensed up and wouldn’t take another step.Just a little further.

The path broke open to that vast clearing perched above the town in complete darkness and welcoming silence.

And finally, I could breathe.

The air stung as it went down, nipping at my lungs and reminding me I was alive.

“Hey, Starlight,” I whispered, looking at the night stars and watching them burst across the sky like she was greeting me back. “It’s weird being up here without you chewing my ear off about the stars, but you became one of them, just like I always knew you would.”

The funeral had been brutal. People that I barely knew showed up, and the ones that should have been there, I couldn’t find the courage to call. I wanted to give them all another week, another month without the immense grief of losing her. It was selfish, and I knew that, but I couldn’t stop myself fromprotecting people, even if I were doing it the wrong way. Mary was going to be pissed when she found out, and I wasn’t entirely in the mood to take an earful from her, no matter how right she’ll be.

Cael wasn’t speaking to me again. I had gotten in the car at the cabin and drove all the way to Texas, sleeping in a few shitty motels before rolling into town in three-day-old clothes and puffy eyes.

I walked to the cliff's edge and sat down in the spot I had been sitting in for twenty-some years. Only it felt cold without hershoulder brushing against mine. “I came up here to tell you how much I love you, but I think you already know that better than anyone. I saw Mary on the way into town. She didn’t see me, but she was selling flowers from the back of her truck.”

I pressed my tongue to the side of my lip and inhaled a shaky breath. “She still sells those massive lavender bundles. She had a little cardboard sign that told people she was sold out. I don’t know how long I sat there just watching her smile and laugh with people. And I don’t even have the courage to tell her that you’re gone. She's going to be devastated, Rae. How dare you make me tell her," I gritted my teeth together.