Page 93 of The Damaged Billionaire's Obsession
Everything comes rushing back to me until I'm drowning in guilt and self-loathing. Everytime I kick against the rules, there is always a price to pay. And I’m doing the same thing again, crushing on a gorgeous, rich boy and throwing myself at him repeatedly and shamelessly.
The way I felt about Jake is nothing compared to this relentless, overwhelming need for Ethan. I can only imagine that the retribution would be so much worse than anything I experienced with Jake.
I would never survive it if Ethan hurt me. And he will hurt me. I just know he will.
After the funeral service, I return to New York with a renewed sense of clarity and a resolve to break things off with Ethan permanently. Starting now.
I send him a text message.
Me: Thanks for all your help. Sorry I didn’t reply to your messages. I’m back home now. I came to you the other night because I was reeling with shock and feeling vulnerable. Now, I sorely regret imposing on you that way and promise that it will never happen again. I’d appreciate it if we kept things strictly professional from now on.
Half an hour later, I get his reply.
Ethan: Alright, Bonnie. I understand. I’ve approved two weeks of bereavement leave for you, so no rush to return. Take care.
And that was that. I’m glad he didn’t make a fuss. It's best this way to avoid getting hurt.
Why then does my heart feel like it’s breaking into a million pieces?
I spend the rest of the day in bed, hoping to take a refreshing nap but I was unable to shut down my thoughts.
Seeing my father has put me in such a weird headspace, and it feels as though all the progress I made in the last five years- moving to the States, and cutting myself away from the toxicity of my past has been reversed in just ten days.
The guilt of perpetually disappointing my parents to the point that they’d rather write off their only child, weighs on me. I'm always letting them down with my desires and life choices, which have never aligned with theirs.
One thing I never did, even at the lowest point in my life, was to self-harm. However, it’s becoming apparent with each passing minute that breaking things off with Ethan because of my suffering only served to hurt me more.
Although, technically, there was nothing to break off. We weren't even a thing.
Not that my mind or body understands, not with how I’m withdrawing. I want him so bad that the need within me feels like a physical ache.
That in itself makes me panic. I’ve only been with the man twice, and it’s already this difficult to stay away from him.
I need to get over the obsession, and fast.
Later that day, after many hours of trying to rest, Stella calls me.
“Hi, Stella.”
“Where have you been, girl? You went MIA.”
“I lost my Nan, so I went back to Ireland for her funeral.”
“What! Bonnie, I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me? I could have gone with you if you wanted,” she says, and I can tell she’s being genuine.
It my age-old need to keep my past away from my present, which is why I'd never take her up on that offer.
“Thanks Stella, but it was all so sudden, and I had to fly out the next day. I stayed until after the funeral.”
“Oh, that must have been an awful couple of weeks for you,” she empathizes.
“You have no idea,” I say simply. "What's happening?" I'm eager to change the subject, and I know she called for a reason.
“I just called to see if you’ll be attending the Reed’s grand opening, but you might not be in the mood. It's okay if you want to miss it,” she says.
Xavier’s new hotel on Long Beach opens in a couple of nights. I completely forgot, despite knowing that the girls mentioned it to me at some point.
“Oh, it’s okay. I can't mope forever. I’ll have to come out at some point. Did you want to go together?”