Page 65 of The Enemy Plot
I narrow my eyes at him. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want her forgiveness. She’s better off without me. Besides, I deservethe pain.”
“That’s not true, Deacon. Relationships are tricky, and we all say things we don’t mean sometimes. But if we make amends, most anything can be forgiven.”
I look away. “I told you, I don’t want that.”
“But when you came in, you said you had regrets.”
“Because I hate all the pain I’ve caused her. She’s different now, I can tell. And it’s all because of me.”
He frowns. “Why not try to repair that relationship, then?”
I bite the inside of my cheek so hard, I almost draw blood. “Because I’m not worth it. And if she forgives me, it’ll only be a matter of time before I find another way to hurt her. That’s just who I am. A screw-up who doesn’t deserve love.”
“Love? Are you saying you’re in love with her?”
I pause, the word resonating in my empty brain. I’m pretty sure I do love Alice. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Frankly, I didn’t even think my heart could work this way. But Alice changed everything.
“Yes, I’m in love with her.”
Alice
Tears pool in my eyes as I run back upstairs. My life is over. I can’t bear to see Deacon—heck, I can’t be within a one-mile radius of him without breaking into tears. I’ve never felt so hollow, and nothing seems to ease my pain. This was the third time I’ve seen him in the few days since we broke up, and it always ends the same way.
Hayley and Emma have tried to cheer me up. I chatted with friends on Bookstagram, fiddled with some graphics for my upcoming posts, drafted the bookstore newsletter, and of course, read and colored my books. But the pain still hangs over my shoulders, too big to be overcome.
“You don’t have to work today,” Emma says with a comforting smile, approaching from the corridor. “Take the day off.”
I shake my head. “Thanks, but I’d rather be working. It’s the only thing keeping me sane.”
She presses her lips in a tight line. “Sure.”
“Seriously,” I say, trying to pull a smile. “I’m okay.”
She folds her arms. “No, you’re not.”
I sigh. “Fine, I’m not okay. But I will be. It’ll pass.”
She nods, squeezing my hand. I’m so grateful for her and Hayley, who just came out of her room to help draw me into a three-way hug.
“You know,” Hayley says, “you should come with Marissa, Beth, and me to the game tonight. You too, Emz.”
“Um . . .” she mumbles, scratching her neck.
“Oh come on. It’s always a fun time. The Raptors are kicking ass and heading to the playoffs.”
I nod. “Sure, I’ll come. It’s been a while since I’ve seen them play.”
I don’t think it’s really going to help, but I keep that to myself. I’ve never been a fan of the sport, and I often daydream during games. But the alternative is staying home and being buried in my thoughts. At least if I go to a hockey game, there’s a slight chance that my friends, the music, the cold, the guys smashing against the plexiglass, and the fans cheering in the stands will take my mind off my misery.
Hayley and I head downstairs to the bookstore while Emma goes out shopping.
Work helps, and after a while, I feel like myself again. With every book I shelf and every recommendation I give out, I feel just a bit better.
Until Lola Collier shuffles into the bookstore. Suddenly, my heart shatters in a thousand pieces again, and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Hayley’s gaze travels between us at lightspeed, even though she’s with a customer. But Lola is walking straight toward me, and I know there’s no escape. I’m not really mad that she’s here. Even if her antics left me disappointed,I still love her, and she’s a good kid. I just hope she won’t bring Deacon up.
“Hey,” she says with a small wave. “I hope it’s okay that I came.”