Page 80 of This Broken Heart
I park in the grocery store parking lot, surprised by how many cars are parked around me. It’s a reminder that not everyone celebrates Christmas. Some people don’t ascribe to the cultural practice.
But others are just trying to outrun it.
I can relate.
It feels like I already did the whole Christmas thing with Josh and his kids. Now that I’m back here, I’m just ready to mute the Christmas music and tear down the decorations.
Stopping by the bell ringer at the entrance, I drop some cash in the Salvation Army bucket. Our gazes meet. He’s about my dad’s age. We’re both probably thinking the same thing.
What’s your story?
Why aren’t you home on a day like this?
But what I say is, “Merry Christmas.”
And what he says is, “God bless.”
Maybe he should have said that last part a little louder. I don’t think anyone upstairs was listening.
Because standing at the orange display is my ex and his girlfriend.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” I mutter, remembering too late why I didn’t want to go to this grocery store.
Matt glances in my direction, doing a double take when he sees me. He’s spotted me and there’s no graceful way out of this. I can’t hide, either. He’s blocking me from my spot.
Pasting on a cheerful smile, I force my feet to move in his direction.
He beams at me. “Erin! What are you doing here?”
Getting food, asshole. “My mom sent me on a mission to hunt down missing ingredients.”
Matt nods. “That’s what we’re up to. Lily forgot half the ingredients for her famous gingerbread cake.”
I glance at her, skeptical that she even knows what cake is. She’s wearing a low-cut sweater. I can literally see the ribs sticking out below her collarbones. I pull my gaze up, studying the face of my replacement. Dark hair, a wide mouth. Pretty, as much as I hate to admit it.
She pretends to frown. “I didn’t forget, Matthew. You didn’t tell me how much you liked it.”
Matt tickles her and she squeaks.
Gross. Double gross.
“I’m glad we ran into you, though.” He turns back to me. “I wanted to introduce Lily last time, but didn’t get a chance. Lily, this is my friend, Erin.”
I guess that’s one way to describe someone you dated for five years. Judging by the glittering look in Lily’s eye, she knows exactly who I am.
I can’t understand why he’s so determined to introduce me to her. Does he need my approval? Is he trying to rub it in?
He always was a little petty, but this seems like a low blow, even for him.
And I really don’t have the energy for it. I can usually soldier on without thinking about my dad all the time. But the holidays are full of reminders. Land mines bundled up in gift wrap.
I can’t go two feet without missing him and I’m just exhausted. And here I am in the grocery store, when all I really want to be is in front of the Christmas tree in Silver Bend, watching Trace’s face when he opens the monster truck he wanted so badly.
“Hey, are you okay?” Matt asks, genuine concern on his face. “You don’t look so good.”
“Hmm?” I didn’t realize it, but I’ve got my arms around my middle and I’m almost hunching over. Worst of all, tears lurk at the corners of my eyes.
I’m not crying because of this asshole. Good riddance to him. I’m crying over all the Christmases I’ll never have. The things I want but can’t have.