Page 20 of Shock & Awe

Nick smiled sadly, watching his companion in the dying light. He turned his attention to the glowing tip of the cigarette. He’d been a private the last time he’d smoked. He stared at it a little longer, then turned it over and ground the tip into the railing.

When he tore his attention away from it, Kelly was watching him. “You know what I always admired about you, Irish?”

“I can’t imagine.”

“You knew right from wrong.”

Nick raised both eyebrows, smiling. “That’s not exactly a huge feat.”

“Yeah, it is. In our lives? The things we’ve been part of? Yeah, it is. Your moral compass always pointed the right way. And no matter what you wanted, you always followed where it led you. So if last night didn’t feel right to you, I’ll trust that.”

Nick stared at him, trying to decipher the feeling the words gave him. He was both honored by Kelly’s opinion of him and oddly disappointed. He shook his head. What scared him about last night wasn’t that it had felt wrong. It had felt right. Really fucking right. And that was the core of his current problem. His moral compass was spinning.

Kelly took a deep, shaky breath. “But at the risk of pissing you off even more,” he said, his face hard and his voice stern, “I’m going to say this again because I don’t think you’ve heard it enough. I don’t think you believe it.”

Nick’s entire body went cold. He held his breath, telling himself to let Kelly finish this time.

“You’re a good man,” Kelly whispered. “One of the best I’ve ever known. And if you’re denying yourself a life with someone who loves you because you don’t think you deserve it, then you’re not as smart as I think you are. And if you’re saying no to me because you’re afraid, then you’re a pussy.”

Nick’s lips twitched. “How long did you practice that before you came out here?”

“About an hour,” Kelly answered, breaking into a smile. “Was it good? How’d I do?”

Nick nodded. “It was good.”

“You believe me?”

Nick inhaled deeply, butterflies churning in his stomach. “Yeah, I do.”

“Do you believe me when I say I want the D?”

Nick choked back a laugh. He ran his fingers over his forehead, smiling crookedly. “Yeah, I do. This is the worst idea we’ve ever had.”

Kelly’s grin widened. “I agree. Want to go upstairs and get naked?”

“Kind of,” Nick drawled.

“Want to not smoke another cigarette first?”

They both laughed. Their camaraderie had always been easy. Nick’s inner composure fed off Kelly’s outward calm, and Kelly’s quirkiness fed off Nick’s nonchalance. Kelly was probably right when he said there’d be no drama between them.

Kelly pulled himself out of his chair, moving closer to Nick. He slapped his shoulder and waved at him. “Scoot over.”

Nick did, sliding to the far side of the swing to let Kelly settle beside him. He kept his hand on the back of the swing and Kelly leaned into the crook of his arm. It wasn’t something they’d never done before, because Nick had a tendency to put his arm around whoever was sitting next to him regardless of who it was. But this time felt different. Everything about Kelly felt different now. Different, yet still familiar. Nick realized that would never change. What he was afraid of happening had already happened, and they would never be able to go back to what they’d been.

There was no retreat. Retreat, hell. The only option now was to move forward. They just needed to pick their path and stick to it.

“It’s me you’re dealing with,” Kelly said, bringing Nick back to the present. “You don’t have to hide shit from me, you know? You don’t have to protect me from any part of you. I already know it all. And you know all of me.”

Nick watched Kelly’s profile, unable to tear his eyes away, unable to say anything.

Kelly pulled a blunt out of his pocket and held it up. “You still smoke these?”

Nick huffed, smirking. “Only when I know I’m not going back to work.”

Kelly put it between his lips and lit up. The tip glowed as he took a long drag, then he rested his head against Nick’s arm and closed his eyes. Nick took the blunt from his fingers, his eyes not leaving Kelly’s face.

Kelly released the smoke in a slow stream, not moving. “I won’t hurt you. And I know you won’t hurt me. So fuck it, Irish, let’s try this.”