Page 100 of Reckless Love
I needed her to look me in the face and tell me it was going to be okay. I wanted her to tell me it didn't mean the end of us or the hope of maybe one day being more, but I knew that time had already passed. I’d demolished any future for us. She put her head in her hands and I heard her take a deep breath, but I knew she was also crying.
“Elle,” I whispered again.
She turned and hugged me, and I could feel her trembling in my arms.
“I’m so sorry,” I said.
“Why are you sorry?” Her voice sounded small.
“Because I’ve ruined everything.”
She leaned back and wiped her face and I wiped mine, reaching for a tissue to wipe my nose too.
“You haven’t ruined everything. Lots of professional football players are dads and keep their careers too. And you’re gonna be an amazing dad, Rhodes. That child will be so lucky to be loved by you.”
My career was the last thing I was thinking about right now. My face crumbled again and I lost it.
We sat there and clung to each other in the car until the sun disappeared. Neither of us ever even suggested stepping outside. The car was our confessional booth.
“Do you like this girl?” she eventually asked.
I frowned. “No, I really don’t. Not the way I should like the mother of my child.”
“You don’t?” The shock was clear in her voice. “Shit, Rhodes.”
“I know. I used a condom too. I’ve never not used one. And not that it means anything now, but I avoided this woman for months. She’s just always around.” I made a face. “And not in a good way. She—” I shuddered. “I’d had too much to drink, but I still knew better. I was in a self-destructive state of mind.”
“You were? Are you okay? Why didn’t you tell me you were going through a hard time?”
“I—” I swiped my hand down my face and shook my head. “Anything I say sounds like excuses and I’m one hundred percent responsible for this mess. I’m going to try to get along with Carrie…that’s her name. I don’t really know her. Maybe she’s better than I think. Either way, it doesn’t matter. We’re having a baby and we’ll have to find a way to get along.”
“Do you think you’ll be with her? There must be something about her you liked for you to sleep with her.”
I turned to look at her and the light from the streetlamp beaming through the windows cast shadows on her, but her face was bright enough to see clearly.
“I don’t think sex means the same thing to me that it means to you, Elle. I love sex and I respect the women I’m with, but I don’t sleep with someone if it seems like they’llget attached, because I know my heart’s not going to. It’s a physical release. So no, I can’t imagine being with Carrie, but I probably need to consider it just because we’re having a baby together. I’ve always wanted a child, but this isn’t how I envisioned it.”
She nodded. “I think you should consider it, and also, you should take a paternity test.”
I exhaled. “You’re right.”
She cleared her throat and looked away from me, out the window. “You’ve said that about the people you’re with before. I think you assume my views on sex are more wholesome than yours. In a way, what I do seems worse. Because I try to get attached and when I don’t, whether I sleep with the guy or not, I end up hurting him anyway by not feeling it.”
“We’re a mess,” I said.
“Yep.”
“But you like this Bernard guy?” I couldn’t help myself, I needed to know.
“He tries really hard,” she said. “I do like him. He’s smart and works hard. He’s helped me a lot with figuring out my finances. I accrued some debt when I was in Denver and I’m getting on my feet now, thanks to him…and my parents for letting me move back in for a while.”
“Bernard sounds like a heap of fun.”
Her lips lifted slightly. “He’s a little more uptight than you, yeah, but he’s fun too. He tries really hard,” she said again. “And the best part is that he’s crazy about me.”
“Everyone’s crazy about you, Elle. It’s if you’re crazy about him that matters.”
She looked at me and her eyes were distant. “It’s possible I’m broken in that area.”