Page 68 of Full Court Love
Good question. How do I explain it all without making my mom feel guilty for my dad’s actions? How do I summarize everything I’m feeling for this girl and how hard it was to walk away and how badly I want to keep her safe?
The words that come out are honest and cut to the point. “I’m terrified I might hurt her.”
More silence.
I’m starting to wonder if she left the phone to go tend to a patient. The words she finally utters are not what I was expecting.
“Jordan, I need you to listen to me. You are not your father.”
My throat catches as I try to swallow. I really don’t want to cry outside a bar.
“Furthermore, this is your life. This is your future. Not mine or your dad’s—it’s yours. What doyouwant? I think it’s time to stop trying to please everyone and stop taking a back seat to the way your life is going. You are not powerless here.”
Dang, Mom.
It’s obvious she’s fighting tears now.
“Honey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t more involved in all of this when you were growing up. You are not powerless anymore, but there was a time when you were, and I didn’t protect you the way I should have.”
I shake my head. “Mom, stop. You did nothing but work hard for me. I know that.”
“Yes, but it wasn’t until it was too late that I realized what you needed more than that. You needed someone who made it clear to you how loved you are. You needed someone to tell you that you’re so much more than an athlete. Your dad pushed you to be the best, but your mom should’ve told you that even if you weren’t, you are so loved. And you are a pretty amazing person.”
My eyes are closed as I absorb her words. Is this what AJ was talking about when she mentioned difficult conversations? When she was talking about having a relationship with your parents that goes beyond sports performance?
“Thanks, Mom. I didn’t even know how badly I needed to hear that.”
“It’s all true. We definitely need to talk about this more, but I’m at work and don’t have a lot of time, so let’s get to the more pressing matter at hand. What do you want to do about Lucy?”
What Iwantto do and what I’m actuallygoingto do seemto be two different questions, although this conversation with my mom is blurring that line. She’s making it feel like a life with Lucy isn’t off the table.
“I just want to protect her. Mom, she’s literally going to the WNBA and will be working with Nike and Gatorade and doing big-time stuff. Making big-time money. I don’t want to drag her down or hold her back. I don’t want to be worried about being a leech.”
My mom cuts through the BS. “So, you’re worried your dad will be a leech?”
I sputter. “I mean, yeah. I feel like that’s a fair concern.”
She yells something to someone far away, presumably another nurse, then speaks quickly.
“It’s a fair concern when you have no control. But you do. You are going to have to set some boundaries and decide who has authority over your life. I know your dad isn’t perfect, but I chose the life I wanted, and I’m working every day to make it a reality. You’ve got to decide what kind of reality you want. And truly, Jordan, if your dad and I need to take a back seat or get out of the car for a while for that to happen, then so be it. Don’t be a victim of your life.”
My eyes widen at that. What is she even proposing? It’s never crossed my mind that I would cut them out in any capacity. My mom leaves me with one final sentiment.
“I think you love Lucy and are terrified of hurting her or losing her. But the answer is not to run away from your problems. Sooner or later, you gotta face them–even if one of them is your father. Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of stern conversations with that man. He’s far from perfect. But so am I. Love is complicated. It’s messy. It’s not always easy. But when you find the person who makes all of that worth it, you gotta jump.”
Who is this woman? How have I missed out on so much wisdom? This one phone call gave me more nuggets of truth than any book I’ve ever read.
“Mom, I’m sorry I didn’t come to you sooner. You are incredible. Have you been reading or praying or meditating or something?”
She laughs and I hear more typing, like somehow she’s spewing proverbs and also saving lives. Unreal.
“Ha, funny. No, I’m just an old lady who’s made a lot of mistakes. I would love to stay on here the rest of the night and solve all the world’s problems, but I gotta run. I love you. Be brave, Jo. Go get her.”
“I love you, Mom.”
The call ends, and I’m left speechless. All this talk of building the life you want and jumping into the great unknown and facing fears. One phone call just changed my entire perspective on who my mom is.
She’s right. And so was AJ, even if I didn’t want to admit it. My decision to end things with Lucy was motivated by fear. Iwasbeing a coward. Sure, I would save her from any of the baggage I’m carrying and any interference from my dad, but we’d live mediocre lives apart from each other.