Page 76 of Tarnished Crown
Evander didn’t interrupt me, didn’t ask questions or make placating comments. I could almost pretend he wasn’t there at all, and it gave me the courage to keep going.
“And my mother wanted me to choose a husband, not just to marry, which I was willing to do, but someone I could be in love with.” I scoffed. “But who in their right minds would want to go through what Avani did? Not to mention the entire stars-damned war my family managed to kick offbecauseof love.”
A memory came to me, of the day I told Theo this same thing. He had told me that love was a ridiculous reason not to want to be with someone, and I had almost believed him.
But here we were, and love certainly hadn’t done either of us any favors.
I swallowed, continuing. “So, I told her to choose for me. It was one of the only things we’ve ever fought about, just days before I left.”
I finally turned to meet his eyes, the exact same pale shade of gray as the storm clouds in the distance. They were pinched with an emotion I couldn’t quite name.
“Iwasrunning away in that tunnel,” I said. “When it caved in, I wasn’t half as scared as I should have been, because in some ways, being forced to come to Socair felt easier than going home.”
I realized how true the words were after I said them out loud, and warm shame flooded my cheeks. “And now my family probably thinks Davin and I are dead, and we may never see them again. And it’s all my fault.”
There was a beat of silence while we both looked out at the mountains again, toward Lochlann.
“You couldn’t have known that the tunnel would close in,” Evander finally responded, taking a step closer. “And whatever your feelings on it, you had no choice but to go to Socair when that happened.”
“That’s not what you said before,” I reminded him.
“I say a lot of things,” he muttered. Then, in a stronger tone, “You will see your family again, Lemmikki. You said yourself your father would come for you.”
I huffed out a laugh, but there was no humor in it.
“I’ve seen your men fight, Evander. How many people will die before that happens?” Lochlann had a vast army, but it wouldn’t matter if they were bottlenecked at the pass. “Who do you think will be leading that charge? My father. My uncles. My cousins.”
I turned to face Evander again.
“And you?” Icy dread stole the breath from my lungs, my words emerging as barely a whisper. “Will you lead your men to the mountain pass?”
He searched my gaze before nodding slowly. “I would have no choice.”
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“But I don’t intend for that to happen,” he added softly.
I forced my eyes open, looking at him once more.
“Then what do you intend?” There was less accusation in my voice than a quiet curiosity. “When you took me, did you honestly plan for me to stay here forever?”
“I didn’tplananything.” He shook his head. “I just...panicked. Though, in fairness to me, I have tried to give you back twice now.”
I sucked in a surprised breath. “Twice? What was the second time?”
“I sent a letter to Iiro after--while you were recovering. It had my father’s seal and stated that we would agree to the terms decided on at the negotiations, if they were still inclined.”
Nervous energy coursed through me, and for the first time, I truly felt the cold. “And what did he say?”
Evander blew out a breath. “He declined.”
“Oh.” Some part of me had already known that, but the words came to assault my already battered soul, nonetheless.
At least I knew where I stood, though. At least Evander had given me honesty, this time.
In a way, we were both victims of our own mistakes. The difference was that I had planned to meet that smuggler for weeks, whereas Evander had made a split-second judgment call that came back to bite us both.
It didn’t excuse what he had done, not by half, but I couldn't entirely fault him anymore, either. Not after everything.