Page 64 of Session 33

I cleared my throat, feeling like the words might choke me on their way out. But I started reading anyway.

“Dad, I never understood you. You spent so much time in the streets trying to prove you were the man, but never the head of our household. You couldn’t even hold onto Mom. You ignored her, made her feel like she didn’t matter. And then, when shefound someone who paid attention to her, who looked at her the way she needed to be looked at, you lost it.

I paused, the memories of walking in and finding the three of them dead flashing through my mind.

“You fucking killed her. Killed the man you called your brother. You took everything from me because you couldn’t stand the idea that she wanted someone else. You couldn’t handle that you weren’t enough.”

My voice cracked, and I clenched my jaw, forcing myself to keep reading.

“Mom, I get why you cheated. You were lonely. I saw it. He made you feel invisible, and you found someone who made you feel seen. But you should’ve left. You should’ve walked out instead of sneaking around. Maybe if you had, you’d still be alive.”

I let out a shaky breath, my eyes stinging. “Maybe I wouldn’t have grown to not trust women. Thinking that if someone loved you, you had to hold onto them tight. Too tight.”

I went quiet after that. Dr. Bailey didn’t say anything at first, just let me sit there in my silence, in my pain.

Finally, he spoke. “Cassius, you did good, and I want to let you know it’s okay to feel all of this. The fact that you’re here, working through this, shows that you’re going to break this cycle.”

I wanted to believe him, but the weight of it all still pressed down on me. “I don’t know, man. I don’t want to fuck my son up like I am.”

“You’re here, aren’t you?” he said, leaning forward, his voice steady. “That’s more than a lot of people can say. You’re working to be better for yourself and for your son. You won’t.”

I shook my head, the doubt still gnawing at me. “It just feels like... I’m trying, but I don’t know if it’s enough. My anger’s always there.”

Dr. Bailey leaned in closer. "I want you to do something for me, Cassius. Every time you feel that anger bubbling up, every time you feel like you’re losing control, I want you to stop and think about your son. Think about what he needs from you, not just now, but for his whole life. Write it down if you have to. Keep that thought in your head, and let it guide you. Because if you let this anger take over, you'll lose more than anything else. You'll lose your chance to be a father to Ekon. And that's something you can't afford."

"Fuck," I muttered, hearing Ekon's name hit different.

Dr. Bailey was right. I couldn’t let this shit control me.

After leaving the doc, I hit up an AA meeting. Sometimes, just listening to others trying to get their lives back on track helped me make sense of my own.

I didn’t say anything during the meeting. Just sat in the back, arms crossed, watching. People took turns sharing their stories—about hitting rock bottom, about losing control, about trying to find their way back. I wanted to be able to get up there one day and tell everybody I was better.

When the meeting ended, I got up to leave, but this girl came over to me. She was dark-skinned, pretty face, small, like a fucking pixie—there was something about her that caught my attention. I couldn’t figure it out.

“Hey,” she said, offering me a soft smile. “I’m Charmaine.”

“Cassius,” I said, shaking her hand. Her grip was firm, warm.

“I’ve seen you here before,” she said, tilting her head.

“I haven’t seen you though.”

She nodded. “I’ve missed a few recently but started coming here years ago. Started drinking when I was young. My mom was heavy on drugs... some bad shit happened, and I tried to drown it all out.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I just nodded. Sometimes, there weren’t words for that kind of pain.

She smiled again, a little brighter this time. “I don’t know why... but today something about you made me want to come over and offer you my support. Maybe I could be your sponsor?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Something just drew me to you.”

I thought about it for a second, then nodded. Maybe this was what I needed—a fresh start, some motivation. Someone to help me who wasn’t tied to all the bullshit from my past.

As we walked out of the building, I saw Silas pull up. He had called me before I walked in and asked for the address. He hopped out. “I need my son’s car seat,” he said, referring to Ekon. Then he saw Charmaine.

His eyes widened, and I could tell right away what was coming next.