Page 107 of Cruel King
I force myself to smile and shake his hand. “She’s upstairs. She wasn’t up to attending the funeral.”
His sad expression morphs into one of concern. “I’d like to see her.”
“Of course. She’s…” I hesitate to admit where she is, but I don’t have a choice. “She’s up in Theo’s room.”
He nods like he understands and pats me on the shoulder as he turns to leave. “I’m sorry about everything, Matthias. Losing your father and your brother in such a short time must be hard.”
I give him another forced smile but say nothing else. It’s not only my father and Theo I’ve lost. Every day Ava stays in that room sobbing, I feel like I’m losing her too.
Before he walks away, he says, “I was wrong about you, and I’m sorry. I see that now.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I should hate him. He’s the person who kept Ava from me. He’s the reason I had to live without her for five long years.
Except I can’t hate him. He’s her father, and I just don’t want to be angry anymore. So I nod and try to smile to let him know I forgive him.
By the time the last mourner leaves, I’m exhausted. It’s been nearly a week since I got that terrible phone call from Theo’s manager, and every minute after has been a struggle to keep it together for all the people who are relying on me.
I walk upstairs and see my brothers sitting in the game room like the five of us did on so many days in this house. There’s no laughing or joking around today, though, as the three of them sit silently.
When I join them, they turn to look at me, almost as if I have something to say that will take all the pain away. We’ve lost our mother, our father, and now one of us. Each time, I was expected to keep myself from falling apart while handling everything for them.
I don’t know if I can do it this time.
“Where is Ava? She wasn’t at the funeral, and I didn’t see her here. I can’t imagine she wouldn’t come for Theo,” Ronan asks.
Letting out a heavy sigh, I say, “She’s sleeping. The doctor has her on some heavy medication so she can rest.”
The detail I don’t include is where she is. Where she’s been for the past week. Theo’s room. At first, I wanted to bring her back to my room so I could keep an eye on her, but she wouldn’t leave his room. When I talked to the doctor about it, he suggested the more important issue was to keep her calm and let her sleep as much as possible after crying nearly nonstop for days.
“Jesus, she must be devastated,” Marius says in a sad voice. “She never got to talk to him again, did she?”
I shake my head and add myself to that. If only I had one more chance to talk to him.
“I can’t believe we have to go through another will reading not six months after Dad’s death,” my brother Kellen says sadly. “I don’t give a fuck about that, to be honest. Who cares about money now?”
We all nod, and I wish more than anything else in this world that I knew what to say to make them feel better. Theo would know if he was in my place. He’d tell some story that would make everyone smile and maybe even laugh. I don’t know how to do that without falling apart.
The four of us sit in silence until it’s too much for me to bear and I walk down to Theo’s room to check on Ava. Opening the door only a little, I poke my head in and see her curled up on his bed clutching that picture of them like she has for almost seven days now.
Even though the doctor told me to let her rest, I walk in and sit down next to her on the bed. She doesn’t move, which he warned me would likely happen since he basically has her doped up so all she can do is sleep, but I softly touch her shoulder, missing her more than I thought possible.
For five years, I felt like a part of me was lost when she was gone from my life, but now I feel even worse because she’s right here with me, yet I can’t reach her through all her grief. On top of her grief is mine, along with all the guilt from never being able to make things right with my brother before he died. Some days, it’s like I’m being crushed under the weight of all our sadness.
“Ava, I’m here. If you need anything, just let me know,” I whisper against her cheek and then press a tiny kiss to her skin.
She doesn’t respond, so I ask, “How was your visit with your father?”
I wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t move, so I stand up to leave. “I love you.”
Silence is all I hear in return.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. I hope it is.
* * *
Fourteen tomorrows goby before she comes out of his bedroom to eat dinner with me one night. I’m surprised when she walks into the kitchen and sits down on the other side of the table. Over near the stove, Eleanor lets out an audible gasp.
“Ava, honey, what can I get you to eat?” she asks in a gentle voice.