Page 97 of Cruel King
She spins around, and I see hurt written all over her face. “Why are you saying this now? I thought we had a nice dinner. Last night was great too. So what’s all this about?”
“I can tell you still love him,” I answer, every word tasting like ash in my mouth.
Slowly, she closes the dishwasher door and sighs again. “I’ll always love Theo. He was my best friend for my entire life.”
I swallow hard as my chest feels like someone’s got it in a vise. “Then go to him and never look back.”
Tears fill her eyes as she stares across the room at me. “Why are you saying this, Matthias? Is it that you’ve changed your mind about me? I thought last night meant you wanted to see if we could be together. If you don’t want that, then just say it.”
I shake my head, hating the very thought of her gone from my life but knowing I can’t stop her if she wants to go. I made that mistake because I was jealous the last time. I won’t do that again.
“Just say it!” she screams as tears stream down her cheeks.
“I can’t because it’s not true, but if you want to go, then I won’t stop you.”
She wipes under her eyes and sniffles. “Why do you think I want to go? Don’t you think I could have gone at any time before now?”
I shrug, hating how I’ve ruined this night for us. Fuck! She deserves better than me. She deserves him.
“Say what’s on your mind, Matthias. If you can’t be with me for whatever reason, just say it.”
When I don’t answer, she screams, “Fine! I’ll say it! You don’t want me because I was with your brother. Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t change that. Maybe if he had given you my message that day after the blizzard. Maybe if my father had told me about your letters. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I can’t change any of that. I wish I could.”
My emotions go wild inside me as I try to find a way to explain I don’t blame her for anything but can’t find the right words. Finally, I snap, “I’m not asking you to change it! All I’m saying is if you want to be with him, I won’t stand in your way. I tried that already and made a goddamned mess of everything, so this time, whatever happens, I deserve it, good or bad.”
Christ, I hate this. All I want to do is tell her how much I love being around her, but as usual, I’m fucking it up.
Ava walks over to me and stops before bowing her head. “Is this always going to be between us?”
“I’m sorry.”
Ava looks up at me and sighs. “I know, but you don’t have to keep apologizing.”
“I feel like I do. Like if I say those words enough, that will change what I did. But if that does happen, then I’ll have to accept you’ll be gone from here with him,” I admit, unsure what to do about that difficult reality.
She turns away, avoiding my gaze as she says, “That isn’t going to happen, Matthias. He can’t forgive me. I’ve accepted that.”
I gently take her chin between my fingers and turn her head so she has to face me. “Then he’s a damn fool. It must run in the King family because I’ve been one for far too long too.”
“Theo’s who he’s always been. He was never going to stay here for me, and I’m not sure he was ever going to want me to go with him. As for you, I don’t know, but I can tell you this. I forgive you for what you did, so you don’t ever have to apologize again, okay?”
When she smiles, it’s like the world’s been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe we can be what I’ve hoped for.
The words I love you sit on the tip of my tongue, but I don’t say them. Not yet. Instead, I kiss her and hope she senses what I feel when my lips touch hers.
“I’m sorry. I know you said I don’t have to apologize again, but this one is for something else.”
She draws her eyebrows in and shakes her head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
Hanging my head, I explain, “I was in a dark place for a long time and took it out on you. I’ve been cruel to you when I shouldn’t have been. It’s not your fault my life has turned out like it did. It’s just that I was so unhappy, and every time I thought about that time we spent together, I couldn’t think of anything but you left me. What I didn’t see was your feelings for me weren’t where mine were for you. I’m sorry for that.”
Ava cradles my face in her soft hands and gently tilts my head back so I’m looking at her. Smiling, she kisses me and says, “You don’t have to apologize for that anymore either, Matthias. I understand now why you were so hurt. I don’t know why Theo didn’t give you my message or my father hid the fact that you sent me all those letters. I just know we have to forgive them too.”
After all that’s happened, she’s right. I just want to forgive and forget, and maybe if she and I can do that, we can be happy together.
“I made something great for dessert. It’s a surprise, so go out there and wait, okay?” she says as she slides her hands away from my face, and I instantly miss her touch.
With a smile, I do as she wants. A minute later, she appears in the dining room carrying two bowls. I don’t have to wait long to see what’s in them, and when I do, my mouth begins to water.