Page 131 of Truck Up
I sit on the steps, my head bowed, the weight of the world pressing down on my shoulders. This is too much. My soul, already fractured and weary, feels like it’s about to shatter completely. I don’t know if I can bear this, if I can survive the emotional wreckage of this tragedy.
“The EMT thinks she’s been gone for more than twenty-four hours,” Chase says as he takes a seat next to me. “Won’t know for sure until after the autopsy.”
“I figured as much.” I kick a rock with my foot, and it goes flying into the air.
“You okay?” Chase asks.
I shake my head.
He rubs the back of his neck and sighs. “Yeah, I’m not either. As much as Mom hurt me, I didn’t want this for her.”
“I knew she was getting worse.” I confess. “We should have done more to help her.”
“What were we supposed to do? She didn’t want help.”
“I don’t know.” I kick another rock. This one doesn’t go very far. It barely rolls across the ground. “I didn’t want help, and you guys still saved me.”
“That’s not true.” Chase nudges his shoulder against mine. “You didn’t want to die. Not for a second. I’m not so sure that’s true about Mom. You can’t save someone who isn’t willing to participate in their own rescue. That’s where you and Mom are different.Youparticipated.”
“What are we going to do without her?” I ask and immediately regret expressing my thoughts. Chase probably won’t miss her at all, but I will. “Don’t answer that.”
He lets out a soft chuckle. “Yeah, I’m not gonna lie to you, bro. I won’t miss cleaning her up. But I didn’t want this either. She’s my mom too, and I loved her in my own way. But I mostly wanted her to get better for you.”
“I know.” I reach into my pocket, grasping for the comfort of a smoke, but am left empty-handed. I groan. Amongst the chaos, I forgot I quit. “Can’t help but feel like we still could’ve done more. We were all she had.”
“What else could we have done? We paid her rent, fed her, cleaned her up, trashed her drugs when we found them. We cared for her when no one else would. The only person who could have gotten her clean was herself. She didn’t want that.”
“I know you’re right, but I still don’t want to accept that. Everyone wants to live.” I go back to kicking rocks. It’s the only thing bringing me solace. “Fuck, I want a cigarette.”
Chase raises a brow. “Still haven’t smoked?”
I shake my head. “Have to. For Lia and the baby. They don’t need that shit around them.”
Chase wraps his arm around me and squeezes my shoulder. “That’s a very grown-up decision. I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah, well. I can’t be selfish my entire life. It’s time I put them first.”
“It’s weird how great that feels, isn’t it?”
I snort. “A little bit, yeah.”
“You going to trade that bike in for a minivan too?” Chase teases.
I jab him in the side with my elbow, making him chuckle. “Don’t push my buttons.”
Instead of releasing me, he hugs me closer. “Pushing buttons is what I do best.”
“Asshole.” I shove Chase away, making him laugh even harder. His teasing makes me smile too. It’s a smile I really need right now. It’s difficult for me to see the positive in this world on a good day, let alone on a shitty day like this.
“Boys, I’m going to need to ask you some questions,” Ricky says as he steps outside.
He towers over us with a grim expression on his face. It’s hard to take him seriously sometimes with his Elvis Presley hair and sideburns. At least with his uniform, we’re spared his rhinestone studded jacket. Only in Beaver would there be an Elvis Presley look-alike cop.
“Sure thing.” Chase jumps to his feet. “What do you need to know?”
Ricky flips his mini notepad open and shuffles through the pages. “Did you two arrive together?”
“No, Christian got here first,” Chase says.