Page 64 of Lost In The Dark

She’d told me she’d been there for over five years, which terrified me. I had been there two months and it had completely obliterated who I thought I was.

“I took them from that last guy,” I admitted as I held up the pill bottle I was clutching. Vicodin. The bottle was over half full and I was pretty sure if I took them all I would finally find some peace.

“You got the guts to do that?” Karen asked, not even looking shocked I sat contemplating suicide. It was hardly surprising, I guessed. I was sure girls took their own lives at the first opportunity they got in that hell hole.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I whispered as tears filled my eyes. I had hardly allowed myself to cry in the time I’d been there. I’d tried to stay strong as June had told me to, and focused on the fact the police had to discover this place soon, and come in to rescue me; to save us all from the nightmare we were being forced into. It was a delusion, but the only thing that got me through each time I was roughly shoved into one of those rooms with some sadistic creep who got off on raping a terrified woman. It was the only thing that got me through the ordeal of being torn to pieces every time they touched me.

But after two months even I was starting to realize it really was a delusion. No one was coming to save me, and without the precious pills in my hand my life would only ever consist of pain and fear. I couldn’t live that way. I refused to. It wasn’t like I had some amazing life or family to live for anyway. It would be better this way. I could finally find some peace in death – something I had never truly found in life.

“You sh-should go,” I sniffled as I opened the pill bottle and poured the little pills into my hand. “I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

I doubted the men who guarded and controlled us would care that I was dead, but it would cost money, and that never wentdown well in that place. The beatings doled out by the guards were brutal and usually ended up with the men taking what they wanted from you before they locked you in a cold room alone, bleeding and beaten half to death.

“You should have done it quicker,” Karen told me, then she was gone. I didn’t know what she meant, but I was done having any doubt. I had to end things. I had to end this torture. I had nothing left to live for. I didn’t want to end my life that way – feeling so irreparably broken and alone, but I also couldn’t live in terror anymore, being abused and beaten at every opportunity. I sobbed as I studied the small pills in my hand, knowing they would take my life quickly and easily. I didn’t want to give up, but it was the only way I believed I could ever find some peace.

But as I moved to take the first handful, my hand was wrenched upwards violently and when I turned to look behind me, one of the huge guards was standing over me. Karen stood in the doorway watching, a sad smile on her face. She had told him, I realized.

“Why?” I cried as the guard wrenched me to my feet. Karen just shook her head, then walked away.

“Stupid bitch!” The guard hissed as he shook me violently until I dropped the pills, then he landed the first blow to my stomach.

I gasped as I took in a huge breath of air and slammed my eyes open. I could still feel the pain of the blow as tears ran down my cheeks. The pain I had felt in the flashback sat heavily in my heart and in my mind. The emptiness, the despair, and the feeling that I just couldn’t go on any longer.

It was no coincidence that memory had come back to me in that moment, because I knew I was feeling almost as lost as I had back then, all those months ago.

“Addy?” I looked through the open bathroom door and into my bedroom. The door was locked so no one could come in.

“I’m okay, Asher,” I called back hoping to appease him.

“We’re all going to bed. Are you sure about being alone tonight? I can sit with you.”

“I’m sure. Good night,” I told him, trying to keep my voice as steady as I could.

I stayed on the bathroom floor, the cold making me shiver as I sat covered with nothing but a now wet towel. I listened as Eli and Asher went into their rooms on either side of mine. Adam and Jordan had their rooms on the other side of the house.

I’d like to say I started to gather myself and calm down, but I didn’t. I was spiraling and I didn’t know how to stop or even slow it. My mind slipped from my control once again, and the memories I had recovered played one after the other, mixed with the doctor telling me the damage to my heart could have been caused by repeated electrocution.

I tried to focus on other things like my amazing brothers, or on Adam and Jordan and how good they were to me. I remembered my moment with Adam, when we had almost kissed, or the conversation with Jordan earlier, when he told me he felt something for me. I tried to focus on the good because deep down I knew those were the things I had left in my life to cling to, but the darkness was just so thick and strong, and it refused to let me go.

I was scaring myself, I realized. I was terrified the darkness was going to take me back to that point in my flashback when all I wanted was for everything to just stop.

Hours had passed by the time I pulled on some clothes and slipped silently from my room. It was a crazy decision, and yet it was the only thing I could focus on. I needed help before I fell any deeper and there was only one person who had any chance of understanding the state I had found myself in.

When I got downstairs it was dark and silent. I slipped on my boots, not bothering to lace them and left the house through the front door.

Outside snow was falling heavily and the wind was bitterly cold, but none of it really registered as I put my head down, crossed my arms over my chest and forged on towards the garden. I almost ran through it, trying not to trip in my unlaced boots and the deep snow. Tears were running down my face and making me even colder as I moved with just one thought. I needed help and I was pretty sure only one person would get that.

Kane’s cottage, which was actually a two story modern house, was in the very back corner of the vast garden. As I got closer I saw lights on inside and that just spurred me on. I ran down the small path that led up to the door and just as I lifted my hand to knock, the door was pulled open.

“Addy? What the hell?” he gasped as he stood staring at me open mouthed and confused. He was bare chested, dressed in a pair of checked pajama pants and nothing else.

“C-can I come in?” I asked shakily.

“Yes, hurry. Where’s your damned coat?” he grumbled as he stepped back and allowed me inside. “You do realize it’s three A.M. What are you doing?”

Inside the house was toasty warm and there was dim lighting. We were stood in the entrance hall, a staircase behind where Kane stood ranting at me.

I stepped out of my snow covered boots, my feet frozen and wet inside of them, then looked up at Kane shakily.