Page 44 of Forever Found
ADDY
“Did Jordan say what time he’d arrive?” I asked Asher, unable to hold back the question any longer. Asher had told me at breakfast that Jordan was coming to the cabin for the weekend and I had been delighted to hear it after the nightmare of what I’d done the night before.
I’d had my first online session back with my therapist, Laura, that morning. I still had no idea how Asher had convinced her to fit me in, but she had, and I’d tried to speak honestly with her, mindful not only of the promise I’d made to my brother to try, but also of the very clear fact something with me needed to change before I truly did break beyond repair.
I’d told her about the nightmare and my thoughts following it. I’d told her about me winding up in the snow, screaming my heart out just to try and release some of the pain and fear within me. We’d talked it all through and she’d gone over the breathing techniques she’d already taught me before everything with Max. She once against suggested some medication, at least to help me sleep, and I had very easily turned that down. I had spent enough time, from what I’d recalled of my kidnapping and captivity, drugged. I refused to take anything I didn’t need to ever again. I had a hard enough time taking my medications for my heart issues.
“He said he’d set off for work as usual, so Kane and Adam wouldn’t suspect anything, then head right up here,” Ash replied as he continued taking the rinsed dishes from Eli and stacking them in the dishwasher. It was after lunch and Eli had made the most delicious macaroni cheese, which I had eaten way more of than I had thought I could. I felt lighter after my session with Laura and knowing that Jordan would arrive soon, even if I was still exhausted from the events of the previous night.
“Kane is going to be really mad when he finds out I told Jordan where we are,” I worried as I leant back against the kitchen counter and folded my arms. I felt so much guilt inside for allowing Jordan to come, but not even talking to Kane and Adam, but the simple truth was, I didn’t even know if they really wanted to speak with me any longer. It had been almost a week that I had been away from home now, and the texts and calls from Kane had stopped a few days before. Adam had never even tried to contact me. I had no idea where I stood with them, and no strength to try and fix any of it. All I really knew was that I missed them all, and I just wanted everything to go back to the way it had been before Max took Eli and I.
“You let me deal with Kane and Adam,” Asher replied, and I looked up at him with confusion. “When Jordan gets here I’m going to head back home. I have some things I need to take care of, and I want to talk with Kane and Adam.”
“Asher…” I began to protest, but he held his hand up as he rose to his full height from where he’d been bent into the dishwasher.
“You don’t need to look so horrified, little dot,” he chuckled as he wiped his hands and came closer to me, leaning over the counter opposite where I stood so we were eye level. “I told them when you announced this relationship that I would never allow them to hurt you, and they are, so I have every right to confront them.”
“You can’t hurt them, Asher. It’s not their fault if they don’t want to be with me anymore, and I certainly don’t want you forcing them into anything they don’t want,” I argued.
“I won’t be forcing them into anything, but someone needs to talk to them, Addy. I won’t allow them to keep messing you around the way they have been. Either they clearly tell you things are over, or they sort themselves the fuck out and beg for your forgiveness. You haven’t done anything wrong, sweetheart. They pushed you to the point where you couldn’t be in your own home with them. They don’t have the right to be angry with you about a single damned thing,” he told me flatly.
“He’s right, Addy. All three of those guys let you down when you most needed them. Thankfully, Jordan has realized and is trying to make it right. It’s time the others did too if they ever hope to prove themselves worthy of our baby sister,” Eli added.
I thought about what they’d both said and I couldn’t completely agree that none of what had happened was on me. I hadn’t spoken up when I should have – when I needed them to be there and they weren’t. I hadn’t tried to talk rationally with Kane about his over bearing protective behavior, or confront Adam about the fact he had been avoiding me. Instead I had run away from them and refused to speak with them, which in hindsight seemed childish and weak.
But they had let me down too, and I did need to know what was going to happen next. The idea that neither of them wanted me any longer made me feel physically sick inside, but it was better for me to know now, either way. I was already in love with them all – Kane, Adam, and Jordan. They all had a piece of my heart that would always belong to them whether they wanted it or not. Losing any of them would hurt me in a way I would never trulyrecover from, but I was already half way resigned to that being the case, so I may as well just rip off the band aid and know now.
“You can’t hurt them, Asher. They haven’t done anything wrong really. We’ve all been through so much, and none of us have handled it very well,” I sighed.
“That we can agree on,” Eli sighed as he wiped dry his hands and appeared beside Asher against the counter.
“I do need answers though. I hope we can all find our way through this because…well because I love them,” I admitted. “But if they don’t want that anymore…don’t want me, then that’s their decision to make, and I’ll find a way to get over it if it comes to that, but I do need to know either way.”
“You’ll know. They won’t get away with giving me any bullshit, Addy. I’ll find out what the fuck is going on with them both, either way. I promise,” Asher said.
“It should be me talking to them,” I sighed. I knew how weak it made me to be sending my big brother to handle my problems. I should be braver than that, but I wasn’t. I was exhausted and confused and barely clinging to my sanity right then. If I didn’t have the feelings I had for my three guys, I’d just walk away from them all. It would be so much easier not to be handling these relationship issues on top of everything else.
“Just let Ash talk to them first. If they want to make things work, then at least you’ll know, and you can make steps to start repairing things when you feel ready,” Eli suggested.
“And if they don’t?” I asked shakily.
“Then you’ll know that too, and you can decide how to move forwards with Jordan,” Asher answered.
“There’s no use in worrying until you have something to worry about, shortcake. Jordan’s on his way. Be happy about that and we’ll handle what comes next, when it comes,” Eli added. He’d moved around the counter so he now stood at my side, wrapping his arm around my shoulders comfortingly. “No matter what happens, you will always have Ash and I. You’ll never be alone again, okay? We’re not going anywhere.”
“Okay,” I squeaked as I swiped tears from my cheeks. Eli pulled me into his side and held me as Asher sent me a soothing smile.
“Good.” Asher nodded once, then stood, facing Eli and I. “I need to go and pack a bag. When Jord gets here I’ll take his Jeep and leave you all with the big SUV. You’ll need it if the snow gets any worse.”
“We’ll be fine, Ash. I can order groceries from town if we need them, and there’s at least a year’s worth of logs in the outbuilding round back, not that we need them with the fancy heating system mom put in,” Eli reminded Asher.
“She really set this place up for us, didn’t she?” Asher mused as a small smile crossed his face.
“She did. I really think she planned to bring you both here, away from Joseph,” I replied. “Even if she struggled to show it sometimes, I think she must have loved you both very much.”
I turned and looked at the long sideboard that ran along the back wall beside the large dining table and smiled at the framed photos there. They had been placed carefully, each of them images of Eli and Asher when they were kids, most taken at the lake or in the cabin we now stood in. In every one of them my brothers were smiling and looked happy and carefree. Every time I had looked at them I got the feeling that those were the only images Asher and Eli’s mom had of them looking like thekids they should always have been allowed to be. That had to be why she had chosen them to be in that cabin – in her one sanctuary from the miserable life with her tyrant of a husband.
“Yeah, I think she did,” Eli agreed quietly.