Page 78 of Forever Found
I knew I should feel bad. If I were the only witness they had against Max, my not testifying could allow him to go free, and I knew I shouldn’t let that happen. I knew I should want justice for what I survived and what so many others didn’t because of Max Kline. But my mental health was at risk and I knew it. I had been having discussions with my guys about wanting to end my life – a fact I had made Kane swear he would not mention to Laura. He hadn’t liked it, but when I broke down and told him my terror at the notion of ever being locked away again, he gave in.
No, I wasn’t strong enough to stand in court and face anyone right then, and I felt like I may never be again. The get out loophole Laura could give me was like a light in the ever growing shadows surrounding me, and I was grabbing it, however selfish that made me.
“Will do. Thanks for everything you’re doing for Addy,” Kane said. I had pressed my face against his bicep now. I was exhausted and just done holding it together – not that I’d done a stellar job of that anyway. I wanted to go home and see Adam and Jordan. I wanted to feel the safety and warmth of being home with my brothers.
“Of course,” Laura replied. “Get some rest and call me if you need anything, Addy.” I nodded, but didn’t lift my head. I was behaving like a child and I knew it, but I was in a bad place and Laura had told me it was okay to retreat into myself as I had.
“Goona pick you up now, pretty girl,” Kane whispered low, then I was in his arms, bridal style, as he got to his feet. I lay my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes as we left the office, not even offering Laura a simple ‘goodbye’ or even a stiff smile as I had on the way in.
Kane carried me all of the way back to the car, and as we started the drive home I found myself clutching him around his forearm as he worked to drive with just one hand, my face pressed to the soft wool of his coat, against his bicep again, my eyes closed. I was so scared of myself right then. I knew I was falling apart, if I hadn’t already. I knew I needed to try harder to pull myself together. I knew what was happening to me and my out of control reactions to it all, was terrifying and hurting everyone I loved, and yet I couldn’t make it stop. I could barely breathe if I wasn’t touching Kane, Jord, or Adam. I was on a precipice – looking down into that deep dark abyss I knew far more than I ever should, teetering right on the very edge of falling in. Holsing on to Kane, Jordan, and Adam was the only thing stopping me from dropping. Their love and that of my brothers was all that was stopping me from wanting to jump on in and end it all too. I wanted the strength to turn around and walk away from it, but I just didn’t have it, and no one could just drag me from that edge without me having the will to go. I just needed to find that strength and that will.Easy, right?
“I’m gonna take you right home, Addy. Some one can come back out for your meds, but you need to be home,” Kane told me. He was being so gentle with me, and I needed that, but I also missed the fire that we had between us before. I missed his grouchy face when he wasn’t happy with something I was doing, like when he’d come stomping up to me in the garden and tell me I was crazy to be out there, and that I should get back inside. I missedthe real Kane – the Kane he seemed to think I could no longer handle. Maybe he was right though too.
“I’m g-going to try them,” I whispered as I opened my eyes and peered up to his face.
“The pills?” he questioned as he took his eyes from the road and glanced to me.
“I have to. I…I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want to be stronger and braver.”
“You’re the strongest, bravest person I know, angel. You’re just struggling right now, and that’s to be expected after all that’s happened,” he sighed as he turned the hand of the arm I was clutching and rubbed it over the lycra of the legging’s I’d pulled on that morning. “But I think the meds Laura prescribed to you will help, and so you should try them,” he added.
“I will. I just…I don’t want to turn into my mom, you know? She was always so…so angry and bitter. She took so many drugs and treatments. She’d lash out and yell a-all the time. I don’t want to ever be like her,” I tried to explain.
“Addy, that’s never, ever going to happen. You are the complete opposite of your mom. You’re kind and caring. You take care of the people you care about. You’re everything that is sweet and good, despite what you suffered. No amount of pills could ever change the goodness that runs through your veins.”
“Will you…if I start to change…will you stop me taking the pills? Promise me, Kane. I don’t want to lose any more of wh-who I am. I can’t. If these pills make me different I c-can’t, won’t take them. Don’t let me, okay?” I whimpered.
“I promise, angel. I won’t let any drug, or anything else ever take a damned thing from you ever again,” he promised, and theconviction in those words settled some of the worry swimming within me.
Silence between us returned as I leant back into his arm and tried to find the calm I needed, but that was like trying to block out and ignore the blazing riot going on in my head – all of that noise and violence not easily drowned out.
We were about halfway home when Kane’s cell started to ring. He picked up the call on his hands free and the background noise from the other end of the call filled the car.
“Kane Chase,” Kane answered when no one spoke. I lifted my head and looked to his cell in the cup holder beside me, and the screen said ‘No caller ID’ so it wasn’t one of the guys or my brothers.
“It’s me, Kane,” A hushed, shaky, female voice rang out loudly through the car.
“Jen? What’s wrong?” Kane demanded instantly.
“Are you back in the city?” the timid voice asked.
“Yes. What’s going on? Are you okay? Why are you whispering?” Kane sat up straighter, so I sat up too, knowing something was obviously wrong. Kane had only mentioned his sister a few times to me, but I knew her name was Jenny. It had to be her, and she sounded upset.
“N-no. Not really. Can you…are you busy?” she asked, her words wobbly and I was sure she was crying.
Kane glanced to me and I didn’t know what to do or say, so I just reached across and put my hand on his thigh, hoping to comfort him.
“Tell me where you are. Are you safe?” Kane asked.
“I…I think so. He left, but I…I’m scared he’ll come back. I’m sorry Kane. I didn’t know who else to call.”
“Don’t you dare. Who is ‘he’ and where the hell are you?” Kane growled. I had no idea how worried he had to be, because I’d never met Jenny and I was terrified for her. She sounded terrified.
“My apartment. Can you come and pick me up? I m-might need to stay with you for a few days if I can?”
“Fuck!” Kane hissed as he glanced to me again. I could tell he was torn. It was just him and me, and he was obviously worried about taking me to this potentially volatile situation. But his sister needed him and I’d be damned if I got in the way of him getting to her.
“Kane, just get there, now!” I spoke up as I met his glance this time with some determination of my own. “And of course you can stay with him for as long as you need to, Jenny,” I added, talking louder so she’d hear me.