Page 109 of The Scientist
"I get what you're saying," I said, trying to be diplomatic. "But leaving New York permanently... I just don't know if I can do it. It feels like I’m abandoning Daddy."
"Daddy would want you to be happy. That's all he ever wanted." She placed her hand over mine. "Can you really tell me that Coney Island and picnics in Central Park will make you happier than what you’ve found here? And I’m not just talking about Lex... Your writing has been even more incredible since you’ve been here, and you should see the look on your face when you talk about the students in your classes. I’d recognize that look anywhere. It’s rewarding in a way you can’t describe. I see how happy it makes you.”
“Okay, but why is everyone acting like I was some miserable troll in New York?” At last count, that made three people—my mom, Jimmy, and now Garrett—all telling me that Iwassodifferent here. How could I not be different when my life had changed so drastically in a matter of months?
She shook her head. “I’m not saying that at all. I’m just afraid thattrying to keep Daddy's memory alive is going to keep you from making memories of your own."
I couldn’t meet her eye, knowing I would start crying if I did. Was she right? Was I just living in the past and destroying any future happiness I could have by holding on to the idea of New York so strongly? I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but my mom had always known me better than I knew myself.
Admitting the truth felt disloyal to the depths of my soul. But the truth was there regardless, just as it had been when Lex showed me that my dad was truly ill. This time I had to face the uncomfortable possibility that it wasn’t New York itself that I was missing these days… it was my dad.
A single tear trickled down my face before I quickly swiped it away.
“This is your fault, you know,” I accused.
She smiled, already picking up on my sarcasm. “How so?”
“You and your defective breasts got me into this mess.”
Her hands flew to cover her breasts. “Shhhh! Romy and Michele can hear you.”
I rolled my eyes. “You named them?”
“Of course. They’re my new breast friends.”
“And what am I?”
She smirked. “Old news,” she said before wrapping her arm around me.
I sighed, leaning into her small frame. She was the one who was sick, but I still needed her support more than ever. I was never going to figure this out on my own.
“What am I going to do, Mom?”
She kissed the top of my head and smiled. “You tell me.”
???
I went home and changed before heading to the guys’ house for the Spitzer tournament. I thought of cancelling because I was still in a weird mood after talking to my mom, but I knew Stuart would throw a fit. More than that though, I wanted to feel Lex’s arms around me and the mind-numbing happiness that always brought.
I could hear the party going on from outside the door. I tried knocking, but I doubted they could hear it over the loud music and everyone’s conversations, so I let myself in. There were more than twelve of them here, it seemed, as people were scattered about their living room and dining area. Lex and Stuart were seated at a table in the center of the room, and Stuart spotted me as soon as I walked in.
“Oh, thank god!” Stuart shouted. “Hadley’s here now, Lex. You can finally stop pouting and concentrate on the game.”
Lex’s head whipped around, his eyes brightening when he saw me. He shot out of his chair and walked over to me, pulling me into a tight embrace right there in front of everyone and kissing me intently.
“Guess you don’t mind a little PDA then,” I said, smiling against his mouth.
“Didn’t even realize anyone else was here,” he said, grinning back.
This. This is exactly what I needed. All the confusion and self-doubt disappeared in an instant the second I was in his arms.
“What. The. Fuck,” I heard a guy at Lex’s table say. I had only met him once that I could recall. I was struggling to remember his name.
“What?” Stuart said. “I told you Lex and Hadley were fornicating now, Louis.”
Louis. That was his name.
“I thought you were bullshitting me! Hadley freaking Olivier. How could you not tell me, Lex?” Louis accused, gaping at him. “We spend countless hours piled on top of each other in a lab, and you didn’t think to mention you were seeing Hadley freaking Olivier?”