Page 153 of The Scientist
“I didn’t quit,” he said, and my shoulders sagged in relief. Then he added, “Not yet, at least.”
I stiffened. “What does that mean?”
“I told them I couldn’t do it anymore. I asked them to terminate our contract, or at least release me from it and let the others continue,” he explained. “They told me to take a leave of absence for a few weeks before I made a final decision.”
“You can’t quit,” I said, my voice sharp as I rose to a standing position. “Not after all of this. Not after everything we’ve been through.”
He was quiet for a few moments before he shook his head and said, “I don’t know how to make myself want it anymore. It feels like my soul is slowly being torn apart the longer I’m away from you.”
I closed my eyes, trying to block out the anguish I saw plainly on his face. “It didn’t have to be like this. I begged you to try. You were the one who stopped taking my calls. You were the one who gave up on us. And now you’re telling me it’s all been for nothing?”
He shot to his feet to stand before me, my heart thumping unevenly at our renewed closeness. “No. I’m telling you that I’ve been fighting like hell to make it through even a single minute without thinking about you, Hadley... but it was useless,” he said, frustration lacing every word. “You’ve occupied every corner of my mind since the day I met you.”
I wanted to turn away from him. I didn’t want his words to affect me like this, distracting me from the anger I still felt at himfor not only giving up on this work but giving up on us as well. But I couldn’t make myself turn away, bound by a force stronger than my will as if my heart was anchored to the sight of him.
“Then why did you do this to us?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
His sigh was long and heavy. “I was convinced that if I threw myself into my work then I could forget about how much it was killing me not to be with you,” he said, stepping closer. His voice lowered an octave. “But it didn’t work. Every time I would break down and call, I couldn’t stand it—hearing the sound of your voice but not being able to see you or hold you in my arms…” He trailed off, his hand lifting towards me almost absently. “I’ve never known this kind of pain—this raw, unrelenting ache that just sits in my chest.” I watched as he placed his hand over the center of his chest, pressing it against his heart, like he was trying to soothe the ache within.
I blinked away the tears rising up. “The pain isn’t any less for me... But you can’t do this to me. You want me to tell you it’s okay, but it’s not. I haven’t even heard from you in almost a month.”
His head lowered, shame painting his features. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”
“For who?” I demanded.
“For you!” he said, anguished. “You deserved so much more than what I was able to give you there.”
I shook my head in frustration. “I know what I wanted. I know what I deserved… But you took that away from me. And you being here now… it’s like it was all for nothing!”
He was breathing slowly through his nose, his gaze penetrating as he said, “Do you want me to leave?”
Absolutely not, my heart rang out fervently. But the answer wasn’t that simple.
“I want you to go back and finish what you started,” I said, choosing my words carefully. “You have a chance to do something great, something bigger than you and me, but you’re throwing it all away.”
“I can’t do it anymore. Being there made me realize that I would sacrifice anything for you… anythingbutyou.”
“Lex…” His name felt so natural on my lips, but I was at a loss for words. He always could shatter my heart in the best and worst ways. It was an unnerving realization to discover that one person held the potential to evoke my greatest joys while also igniting my most profound sorrows. A beautiful paradox.
“I realize what I’ve done, how badly I’ve hurt you. The weight of my mistakes feels unbearable, but I need you to tell me.” His hands reached for me, settling around my shoulders, and this simple contact brought the depth of my feelings into sharp, undeniable focus. I had to remind myself to breathe as he drew in even closer. “Tell me if this is over, Hadley. Nothing has changed for me. I still love you in a way that will never make sense to anyone but me,” he said, his eyes boring down into mine. “There’s a certainty to it that feels fundamental to my life. Time and distance have done nothing to change that… Has it changed things for you?”
Time and distance kills even the best relationships. At one point in my life, I believed that to be true. But here I was staring at the one person who was capable of unraveling all my tightly held beliefs. As I looked up at him, I was struck by the undeniable truth that nothing could ever change the way I felt about this man.
“No,” I whispered back. “Nothing has changed. You’re still the man who gave a woman he didn’t know a ride to work when her car broke down. You’re still the man who showed me how real my father’s addiction was. You’re still the man who saved my mother’s life when we thought all hope was lost. You’re still theman who would give up everything for the people he cares about. And you’re still the man I love… deeply.”
He exhaled roughly before his lips came crashing into mine, and I didn’t even try to fight it. Resisting seemed impossible. One hand cradled my head while the other fisted at the base of my skull.
I couldn’t describe the feeling that was coursing through me. All this time apart made it feel like the first time again, and yet I knew those lips better than my own. We kissed until I thought our lips would bruise from our unwillingness to part, never wanting to come up for air. Breathing was overrated anyway.
I pulled back from him a fraction and whispered, “I need you.” I meant it in every sense of the word, but in this particular moment, I meant it in the way of needing our bodies pressed together.
Lex knew exactly what I meant, as he always had.
He lifted me effortlessly into his arms and carried me to the bedroom, laying me flat on the bed. I sat up as his fingers found the hem of my shirt, and he pulled it up over my head. I reached around to unhook my bra, tossing it aside before I lay back down. My breathing felt tight, aching.
He pulled off his own shirt, staring down at my naked torso for a few moments before he reached down and pulled me to the edge of the bed. I was surprised by how nervous I felt. My stomach dipped as he dropped to his knees in front of me, popping open the button of my jeans and unzipping them slowly. He pressed a kiss to my stomach, running his tongue along my abdomen, dipping into my belly button before moving lower.
“Just a warning,” he said roughly as he looked up at me through thick lashes. “I plan to take my time.”