Page 60 of The Scientist
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that everything about my life looked completely different here. Teaching had been something I never in a million years thought I’d be able to pull off, so I’d been shocked to find that not only was I able to pull it off, I actually looked forward to it each week. I’d made some real connections with the students, and my writing had never been better.
I’d pitched a few songs to different artists that I thought might be good fits for their records, and the feedback had been amazing. Many of them had asked for me to come out and help with the production, but I hadn’t been able to get away with my mom’s treatment course. Production could be a grueling process, so I had to admit I wasn’t exactly heartbroken about not being involved with that side of things. I was more than happy to stay put and fuel my creative outlet from a distance.
The friendships I had here were also nothing like the ones I’d left behind in New York. Back home, most of my relationships were built around business, and the conversations rarely strayed from work. But with Sarah and Lionel, there were no strings attached, just easy, effortless fun. And something about the friendships I’d made with Lex and Stuart felt more like family than anything else. I would have dinner with them most nights if they didn’t have to work too late, and the time I spent with themfelt comfortable and familiar, as if we’d known each other for much longer than a few months. All that being said, hearing my mom say those words out loud made me feel defensive of my old life in New York.
“I know you have your roots there,” Mom said, pulling me out of my train of thought. “And I know it would be hard to give up because of how much Daddy loved it, but I want you to think about it.”
“Think about what, exactly?” I could already feel my guard going up.
“About making this your permanent home.”
I scoffed at the idea.
“All I’m saying is to think about it.”
I didn’t need to think about it. When she got better, we were going back to New York. Unless… maybe that was the problem. Maybeshewas the one who didn’t want to leave.
“Doyounot want to go back to New York?” I asked.
“I can make a home anywhere,” she said with a shrug. “It’s you I’m thinking of.”
She was right about that. You could drop her anywhere in the world and she’d be perfectly content, but I still wasn’t convinced this was all about me.
An errant thought suddenly and irrationally crossed my mind. She’d told me her neighbor who was always helping out around the house had asked her on a date earlier in the week, and she had accepted.
I had met him once after I dropped her off from her chemo appointment a couple of weeks ago. He seemed like a really nice guy and looked at my mom like she hung the moon. I’d teased her mercilessly about it, but I was actually thrilled that she had finally taken that step. It was long overdue.
But now that I was being confronted with leaving New York behind, suspicion about her true motives burrowed its way intomy mind.A sudden wave of anger came over me, and I blurted out what I was thinking. “Is this about Carl, mom?” That serene feeling I was having was now smashed to bits. “Are you so in love now, you don’t want to leave?”
“Hadley,” she said reproachfully.
That was all she needed to say. I immediately felt like shit.
“I know. I’m sorry,” I said, already regretting it. I knew I crossed the line, but I was feeling protective of the life we had in New York. My whole childhood—memories with my dad, with us as a family—they were all in New York.
“You and I have already planned a trip to go back during the Christmas holidays. New York will always be there,” she said, putting her arm around me. “This doesn’t have to mean what you think it does.”
It was so difficult for me to wrap my mind around what she was saying. New York felt like such a huge part of my identity. Even thinking about leaving it behind was painful. It felt like a betrayal for reasons I couldn’t quite put into words.
“You want to grab some coffee?” I asked, trying to avoid talking about this subject any further.
“Sure,” she said with a smile. I could tell I was already forgiven for my outburst.
We walked over to Peet’s and ordered our coffees. As I looked over my shoulder to find a place to sit, I spotted Lex and Stuart walking in together. Lex smiled when he saw me, and the breath I’d just taken got caught somewhere in my chest. He had never been generous with his smiles, so this one took me by surprise. I became even more distracted when I noticed he was wearing his glasses. I stood there staring at him awkwardly for a few moments, preoccupied by how good he looked in them.
When I was finally able to drag my gaze away from Lex’s face, I noticed Stuart standing next to him, his eyes sparkling with mischief when he caught sight of my mom. I wished they couldmeet under different circumstances since our little spat was still weighing on me, but it was too late now. They were walking over to us.
“Mom, these are the guys I was telling you about,” I said when they finally reached us.“This is Stuart Benowitz.”
I introduced him first since he had practically jumped in front of Lex to extend his hand to my mom.
“It’s so nice to meet you, Stuart,” my mom said, taking his hand.
Instead of a quick handshake, he held her hand in his. “Pleasure to meet you, Ms. Olivier,” he said with one eyebrow arched. “It’s clear where Hadley gets her ravishing good looks.”
My eyes rolled around involuntarily in my head.
“You should’ve seen me with hair,” my mom replied.