Page 51 of Break Me
A sharp ache spears my heart as I remember how he reacted, thinking I actually meant them. Thinking that none of the things that have happened between us meant anything.
But it means everything.Hemeans everything.
What I said was the shock and anger speaking. Not my innermost honest feelings. Because I don’t find Dax disgusting. What Dax did to that woman—what he has done to me—is horrible, and I guess it does make him a monster. But he’s a beautiful, mighty monster. A monster that I crave with all of my heart no matter how wrong it is. And the thought of him never touching me again is like a vise around my chest, squeezing so hard I can barely breathe.
I pant through my nose, my nostrils flaring wildly above the rim of leather, trying to catch enough air. But my nose is stuffed after I’ve been crying for so long, and my oxygen grows scarce for the hundredth time since Dax left. Black spots dance in my vision, and I pull and tug at the chains as I try to drag in air through my mouth only to meet the blockage of unmerciful leather.
Somehow, I manage to calm myself enough to draw slow breaths and stay conscious. But it’s a struggle that’s getting harder with each minute of lonely longing and constantly coiling tension that I can’t find release for no matter how much I try to rub myself against the mattress.
When the door finally opens, I whip my head around, hoping with all my heart to see Dax.
A rock slams into the empty pit in my stomach as I see Mikhail enter. Grief washes over me anew, hurling me straight for another heaving panic attack that has my vision blurring.
“Fuck. What the hell was he thinking?” he mutters to himself and rushes to me. “Slow breaths,” he urges as he shoves a key into the lock on the harness.
“Mm, mm,” I whimper against the mask in lieu ofI can’t.
The moment the leather releases my mouth, I break into a keening sob, inhaling so deeply I nearly choke on air. Then I cough and repeat. “Wh-where’s Dax,” I croak as soon as I can get my voice to work.
“He’s not here,” is all Mikhail says as he works on the manacles to free me.
My joints are so stiff I can barely move, but with a little help from Mikhail, I manage to turn onto my back.
“Can you make yourself come with those piercings?”
“What?” I ask confused, then follow his gaze to my closed pussy. “Oh. I don’t know.”
“How does Dax make you come?”
Closing my eyes, I breathe through rounded lips as I chase away the stab of pain that shoots through me at the thought of Dax. “He touches my clit.”
“So do that.”
“Now?” I give him a slightly shocked look. Dax has never told me to touch myself, and it feels like a grave transgression.
“You need an orgasm, and I’m offering you one, so get to it already.”
Too desperate for modesty, I close my eyes and slip a finger down to my pussy. It takes some prodding to find out how to touch myself the right way, but once I slip my index finger under the top piercing and press it to my clit, I’m done for. Within seconds, I’m bucking and tensing as I find relief in a quick but intense orgasm.
The vibrations in my ass finally stop, and I go limp on the mattress, able to relax my muscles for the first time since Dax left.
Mikhail makes quick work of removing the plug before helping me to my feet and leading me out of the cell.
Pain throbs in my stiff legs as we walk down the halls, yet I feel numb. Empty deep inside. It’s almost blissful after the lonely ordeal I went through on the mattress in my cell.
Mikhail takes me to the cozy bathroom where Dax used to bathe me. All the other men always took me to a barren, empty room and hosed me down, and the fact that I’m now here with someone other than Dax seems to scream that he’s gone for good.
I try not to think about it as I slip into the hot water. But the loneliness gnaws deeper and deeper into me as Mikhail hands me a sponge and a bar of soap to let me wash myself.Dax always washes me.
When I’ve finished washing, I can’t stand not knowing anymore and ask, “Where’s Dax? I need to see him. I-I need to apologize. I didn’t mean any of the things I said.”
Mikhail takes the sponge from my hand and sets it aside. “Dax told me to look after you. I’ll be the one handling the rest of the process until your new master comes to claim you.”
Everything inside me dies. My vision goes blank as I stare into nothingness, and my muscles coil tight in frozen stillness. Time stops, and the world drops away into an insignificant vacuum.
If I can’t be with Dax, I don’t want to be at all. I don’t know how much of it is because he rewired my brain and manipulated me, and I don’t care. This is who I am—who I’ve always been deep down. Submissive to the bone. Dax brought out the real me, nurtured it, and gave me a place to be myself. He is the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me.
“Dax has found you a good master. Someone who will carry on his training and be good to you.” Mikhail’s words flutter somewhere in the background, and I don’t truly hear them. All I can think about is what might have been my last moments with Dax. The hateful words I sputtered, the hurt in his eyes, and his punishing rage.