Page 25 of Drowned In Silence
He pulls me up and I suck in a breath before coughing the inhaled water up and out of my mouth. Saliva and water pour from my lips, dripping onto the hardwood floor beneath us.
“You ungrateful girl,” he condescends.
Without warning, he dips my head below again, drowning me in the bathtub of water. My hands scramble, trying to grab ahold of the edge to pull myself up, but I am so frazzled I can’t grasp it. I try to kick, but because I’m on my knees it's useless.
I can hear him screaming at me and shaking my head, but I can’t concentrate on anything other than holding the breath I was able to suck in.
He yanks me up again, out of the water and into my upside down world.
“Did you fucking hear me, Dynah? This is the last time! This is the last time I will allow this or you will face the consequences of your actions!”
He eventually gets tired of holding my body still, so he picks me up and dumps me into the now half-empty body of water. Father gets on top of me, places his hands on my chest, and pushes down.Once again I am submerged, but this time I can see his furious face when I open my eyes.
I never thought my life would come to this. I never thought this was how I would die. At least not by his hands.
My own? Sure. I have my knife that sits under my mattress, and I wish… I just wish I could have it now. I wouldn’t be able to do much, but sinking the knife into his neck seems awfully nice right about now.
My lungs seize between the pressure he creates and the lack of oxygen. It burns more than any fire I’ve ever touched. The pain, making the alarm bells in my head blare uncontrollably.
When he lets up, I try to reach the edge, hoping to pull my head out of the water– but he slams his hands down on mine, crumbling my grip and causing me to cry out.
“I hate you! I wish I never had to deal with you in the first place! I wish–” he stops talking and pushes me back under. I can’t hear the words he has to say as my body starts to fail.
I know I won’t be able to hold on much longer as the tunnels begin to force themselves into my vision.
My eyes roll back and my lungs give up. I suck in water just as my entire world turns pitch black as I drown in silence.
Serenity of Death
Dynah
The self-deprecating thoughts swimaround in my head. I can't tell if I'm dead or alive. Maybe I'm just somewhere in between.
Did I think I was actually going to jump? No. Did I think that it would hurt this bad? Also no.
My skin was burning and freezing at the same time. When I hit the water, my soul left my body. The panic in my mind quieted, the inner monologue stopped screaming, and peace instantly claimed me.
The pain from my broken ribs and the pain from the fall jolted my body. I felt electrified, but dead at the same time. Everything fucking hurts tenfold what it was, but if I’m not feeling the pain, then I’m not doing it right.
Why? Why am I always saved? Why did God, or whoever the fuck is in charge, decide to leave me alive? I mean, whoever runs this place called Earth could haveeasily let me leave it. Do they have any sort of plan for me other than pain and torture?
I have lived this long for nothing. What do I have to show for it? More marks and scars than a zebra? I just want to fucking sleep.
I crave the fresh dirt that splatters on my casket while I'm six feet under. I wish for the emptiness of death. I don't want to be forced to endure more than I already have. What I want is to kill myself, once and for all. Without being saved like some princess in her tower. Is that too much to fucking ask?
I don't want the rage-fueled looks from my disgusting parents, the groping fingers of my father, the moans of my drugged-out mother before she passed. I don't want to feel the sticky linoleum beneath my feet, the maggots as they slide around my fingers when I reach for a crumb of food, or the cockroaches as they fall through the cracks of darkness on the way to find shelter from the light.
Teetering on the edge of consciousness, I take in the sounds that penetrate my ears. I can hear deep baritone voices, the sounds of shoes crunching over the freshly fallen snow, and the noise of a car off in the distance.
This isn't hell, nor is it heaven. Whatever pantheon is in charge has decided to take my soul and force it through more of this miserable existence, and I can't help but be livid. I don't want to be here–can'tbe here. Just opening my eyes every time I'm brought back from the cut or the hit is like pouring gasoline on an open flame.
I long to feel the serenity of death. What a weird thing to wish for, but then again, if wishes could come true, then I’d be dead. If that could happen– and I'll be damned if I haven't tried– then the most destitute people would have what they wanted. We wouldn't live in a world tortured in the captivityof our own minds. We’re simply forced to birth our fantasies into nightmares and live within them.
I hate it.
My thoughts shift as I feel warmth seeping into my bones. I didn't realize that I was freezing to death, quite literally. I'm not sure why it didn't register; maybe because I'm only half awake– or half alive.
The smell of smoked vanilla, spice, and rain fills my body as I take a long inhale, trapping the scent in my lungs. If the world smelled like this, then I wouldn't want to die. Soft, yet masculine. Sweet but not overpowering. Hands travel through my hair, and I don't know if they are mine or someone else's. I'm so far gone that I don't know up from down, left from right, personal or owned.