Page 84 of Someone to Love

And hence my insecurities.

In the last few years, each time I felt Atharv wanted to start searching for you again, I created reasons to convince him not to.

I am dying now. I should sit him down and ask him to now go and find you. I think about that often. But do you know what? I won’t do that. I can’t. I am too fearful that if he finds you, he will forget me. Even the thought kills me.

However, I will let destiny take its course. If it has brought you back in his life, I want you to know the truth and I want to beg forgiveness.

I wish I had not done what I have, but I think given another chance, I would still do the same. Yes, that is how madly I still love Atharv. Mad, powerful love – who would understand it better than you?

And therein lies my hope for forgiveness.

I did what I did out of sheer desperation born out of a love that perhaps borders on insanity.

I may not have done the right thing, and I may be the reason why you and Atharv are not together, and for that I ask you to find it in your heart to forgive me.

Perhaps in telling you the truth, I am giving you back the love you had for Atharv, and maybe I shouldn’t do that. But something tells me that should you and Atharv be back together, Atharv will be a lot happier than he ever was with me. The thought hurts more than you would imagine, but the least I can do in this letter is be honest.

Atharv was the man you knew him to be. He never lied to you, he never cheated on you.

Even if you can’t forgive me, in return for the truth, can you please do one thing for me?

I am not sure who amongst the three of us will survive this.

I have refused medication to give the baby

a chance at survival. It will kill me quicker, but hopefully it will keep her safe.

He is being very brave but this is killing him as much as it is killing me.

I won’t survive, I know, but I hope this won’t kill him too.

If you are a part of Atharv’s life and that of my child (oh, what I would not give to be able to hug her now, see her, touch her hair, kiss her), I beg you, please, please, please, don’t let them forget me. Please help me live even when I am dead.

When you meet my daughter next, tell her Mama loves her more than anything else in her life. And if possible give her a hug from me.

I am sorry, Koyal, very sorry, for what I did to you, but I am being punished in the harshest way possible. I do hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me and keep my last wish.

Please keep me alive when I am dead.

Nili

Another bus honked, bringing Koyal back to the present. She stared at the letter in her hands.

Atharv lied to you.

Atharv loved me.

Well, I lied, and here is the truth you have waited to hear, neither was true at that point in time.

Neither was true.

Regret has deep shades of helplessness. Koyal kicked the foot of the bench and let out an anguished groan. Ten years.

Why, she screamed to herself silently, agony of a different kind knotting her heart, had she not spoken to Atharv before leaving Delhi? One ten-minute, open, honest conversation? Why? Why? Why?

Time, you cruel, beautiful cage that won’t allow anyone to get back even a second of what is past. What is left then, but to find ways to make peace with what has already happened? Things happen for a reason, and sometimes, even if you can see the reason, you wonder if it was all worth it. That is when you have to tell yourself that it was. No one but you are responsible for your happiness and this is the only way to get over the regrets.

When a few minutes later, when she had calmed down, Koyal spread open the crumpled letter and smoothed out the creases. These few words from Nili had given her back the greatest friendship of her life and for that she only had gratitude in her heart.