Page 40 of A Cure for Love
Seeing that he wanted her increased her own desire, her own need, and as she leaned forward to caress him with her lips, to show him how greatly she desired him, she felt again the familiar sharp spasm of sensation within her own body, and shuddered with the force of it.
As she closed her eyes, she heard Lewis saying urgently, âLaceyâ¦oh, God, Lacey.â
And then he was holding her, touching her, entering her and possessing her so immediately and so powerfully, as though he knew exactly how she had felt, how much she had suddenly needed him there within her, that she cried out, unable to bear the pleasure of it in silence, moving against him, whispering his name, telling him how much she wanted and needed him.
It was a fierce, short-lived coming together, a powerful explosion of sensation that left Lacey feeling weak and dizzy, clinging to Lewis while her body shook with its aftermath.
She could feel Lewis kissing her, holding her; his lips touched her ear, and he told her shakily, âIn all these years thereâs never been a day, an hour when I havenât wanted you, ached for youâ¦rememberedâ¦how it was between us; but I realise now that those memories were only pale shadows of reality. Mercifully so, because I could never have endured living with memories of that kind of realityâ¦of knowingâ¦â
Lacey opened her eyes and looked at him, her voice full of pain. âIt didnât work out, then, with herâtheâ¦the woman you left me for.â
âWhat?â He cupped her face, holding her so that she couldnât avoid looking at him. âWhat other woman?â he demanded huskily. âThere never was any other woman. I just let you think that becauseâ¦because it made it easierâ¦easier to let you go, to tell myself that I was doing the right thing for you if not for myselfâ¦that youâd find someone elseâ¦someone who could give you children, and that when you did if youâd known the truth youâd have been grateful to me.â
âThere was no other woman?â Lacey could scarcely take it in. âBut you said. Youâ¦â
Lewis shook his head. âNo, you said. I merely said our marriage had to end. I hadnât got as far as thinking of anything so sophisticated as pretending there was someone else. I was still sick with the shock of discovering what I had inherited. All I could think of was that I must not allow you to find outâ¦that your life must not be torn apart and destroyed the way mine had been.â
âNo other woman,âLacey repeated slowly. âYou mean you left meâ¦divorced me becauseâ¦?â
âBecause Iâd found out from my father about the gene I was carrying.â
âYou divorced me because of that?You let me think you no longer wanted meâ¦no longer loved me because of that?â
All her shockâ¦her horror was betrayed by her voice, her eyes huge and accusing as she stared at him. âDid you really think I was so weakâ¦soâ¦so shallow that knowing the truth would have made any difference at all to me? Didnât you realise how much I loved you?â
His face had gone white. âYes, I knew,â he said simply, not trying to evade her. âBut I also knew how much you wanted children. How important a family was to you. Had I known about the hereditary disorder before we marriedâ¦had I been in a position to grow up knowing about itâ¦to discuss it with youâ¦to be honest with youâ¦butâ¦well, when you married me it was in the belief that we would have children. Youâd told me how important that was to you, remember? What right did I have to turn round and tell you that we couldnât have those children?â
âBut I loved youâ¦you, not some mythical father of children I hadnât even conceived!â Lacey protested vehemently.
âYou say that now, but think, Lacey. You were so young. I know you loved me. I know how loyal you areâ¦were. I know you would have stayed with meâ¦and continued to love meâ¦for a while at least, but how long would that love have lasted? A yearâ¦two maybeâ¦maybe even longer, but I couldnât live with the fear that one day you would turn away from meâ¦that one day your need for children would outweigh your pity for me. I had to set you free. Free to find someone else.â He heard the sound she made and stopped and then asked her, âWhy didnât you find someone else?â
âYou hurt me too much.â
It was cruel and unfair, and she hated herself the moment she had said it, biting her bottom lip and shaking her head.
âNo. No, that isnât entirely true, Lewis. You did hurt meâ¦unbearably so. I couldnât believe at first that all the time you had been telling me you loved me there had been someone else. I was afraid to trust another man, to believe that he might love meâ¦and then I had Jessica. She filled my lifeâ¦my heart, and besidesâ¦â
She lifted her head and looked directly at him.
âItâs pointless lying about it now. I never stopped loving you. Oh, I tried. I even told myself Iâd succeeded, but then Iâd dream about you at night and wake up in tears, aching inside from wanting youâ¦loving you. Perhaps if Iâd allowed myself to forget you there might have been another man.â
âJust as if I had allowed myself to forget about you there might have been another woman. I did contemplate it. A divorcee with a couple of children who didnât want any more. It seemed an ideal solution, but there was also youâ¦and certain memories of the way it had been for us that refused to allow me to want that kind of intimacy with someone who wasnât you.
âI canât give you back all the lost years, Lacey. I canât give you anything now that I couldnât give you twenty years ago, but, if it helps at all, Iâve never stopped loving you. Never stopped wishing things had been different. Sometimes, God help me, almost wished I had never found my fatherâ¦never known.â
He gave a deep shudder. Lacey reached out and touched him gently. âYou must have come close to hating me for that. Because if I hadnât suggested you look for himâ¦â
He shook his head. âI could never hate you, no matter what happened. I hated myself, thoughâ¦hated myself for still wanting youâ¦for never truly setting you free.â
âIf only you had told meâ¦shared it with me.â
âAnd caused you eventually to turn from meâ¦to hate me the way my father ended up hating my motherâ¦rejecting meâ¦the way he had rejected me?â
; Lacey hesitated and then asked him quietly, âIf you had knownâ¦about Jessicaâ¦would thatâ¦?â
âDonât ask me,â Lewis told her. âBecause I donât know the answer. The way I felt then, the panicâ¦the fearâ¦the self-hatred I was experiencingâGod help me, but I think I would have wanted you to have a termination.â He saw her face and closed his eyes. âIâm sorry, Lacey, but I canât lie to you. Not again. I was still too raw from my own discoveriesâ¦from knowing that my father had rejected meâ¦All I know is that I would have tried to justify my decision by saying it was to protect youâ¦to protect our marriageâ¦that the risk was too great. Even when I first realised that Jess might be mine, my strongest emotion was one of panicâ¦of fearâfear of both her rejection and yoursâ¦of your condemnation of meâ¦fear of the burden of my own guilt because she had been conceivedâ¦because I had been careless.â